Really Funny Jokes

by Stephen on January 16, 2013 · 270 comments

in Jokes

A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s surgery.

“Why is your stomach so big?” – he asks.
“I´m having a baby.” – she replies.
“Is the baby in your stomach?” – he asks, with his big eyes.
“Yes, it is.” – she says.

“Is it a good baby?” – he asks, with a puzzled look.
“Oh, yes. A really good baby.” – the lady replies.

Shocked and surprised, he asks: “Then why did you eat him?”

A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!”

The doctor replied, “Show me.”

So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again.

She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.” He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.

She opened it, slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”

A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

“Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”

“Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: “So, Seamus, how was your day?”

Seamus told him that he took care of three patients.

“The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”

“Bravo, and the second one?” – asks the doctor.

“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.” – says Seamus.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” – asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!”

“Thunderin’ Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do?” – asks the doctor.

“I put drops in her eyes.” !!!!!

Customer: Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter: Funny? But then why aren’t you laughing?

Customer: Waiter, there’s a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter: So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

Customer: Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: That’s all right sir, he won’t drink much.

Customer: Waiter, there’s a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter: Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.

Lady: Is this my train?
Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady: Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.
Station Master: No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy.

{ 270 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Stephen January 16, 2013 at 5:29 pm

Teacher: What is the difference between lightning and electricity?
Alexander: I know – you do not have to pay for lightning.

2 Stephen January 19, 2013 at 10:41 am

A mother takes her three son’s to enroll in school. The teacher asks.

Teacher: What are your son’s names?

Lady: This boy’s name is Leroy, this other boy’s name is Leroy, and Leroy here is my third son’s name.

Teacher: Isn’t it confusing having all three boy’s named the same?

Lady: Oh no, you see when it’s time for lunch I just holler out the door, Leroy! it’s time for lunch, and they all come a runnin. When it’s time for dinner I just holler out the door, Leroy! it’s time for dinner and they all come a runnin.

Teacher: Ok, so what do you do when you want a specific boy?

Lady: Oh, well then I just holler out their last name.

3 Stephen January 20, 2013 at 9:10 am

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what’s your problem?”

Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!”

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3×3?”
Harry: “9”
Principal: “What is 6×6?”
Harry: “36”

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”
The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”

Ms Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: “Pockets.”
Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Harry: “Pants.”

Ms. Brooks: “What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?”
Harry: “Coconut.”

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”

The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”

Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”
Harry: “Shake hands.”

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?”
Harry: “Firetruck.”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong…”

4 Stephen January 22, 2013 at 9:32 pm

Jerry: “I’ve eaten beef all my life and now I’m as strong as a bull.”

Paul: “That is queer. I’ve eaten fish all my life and yet I can’t swim a stroke.”

5 Stephen January 23, 2013 at 3:37 pm

A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide right away. The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, “I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license. They’ll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well, now. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

6 Rishu Kumar Singh January 28, 2013 at 1:20 am

Really amazing jokes.

7 Steve February 3, 2013 at 9:26 pm

I got a joke:

A boy got a miss call. He went to school and asked his teacher: “Miss why did you send me a call?”

Teacher: “I didn’t.”

Boy: “Well my phone says I got a miss call.”

8 Aryan February 19, 2013 at 7:14 am

A Chinese man rings his boss, “Me no work I sick.”
Boss says, “When I’m sick, I make love with my wife. Try that.”
Two hours later the Chinese man rings back, “Me better, you got nice house.”

9 Mahnoor February 23, 2013 at 2:36 am

It’s too funny stories..

10 Stephen February 24, 2013 at 11:09 am

The class teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an E.
One boy says: “Elephant.”

Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a T.
The same boys says: “Two elephants.”

The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behaviuor. After that she asks for an animal beginning with M.
The boy shouts from the other side of the door: “Maybe an elephant!”

Submitted by Nmg over at funny stories.

11 Stephen February 27, 2013 at 9:15 pm

Two kids talking:

Polly: “Does your grandmother read the Bible?”
Elaine: “Sure does. Day and night.”
Polly: “But why does she read it so much?”
Elaine: “I guess she’s cramming for her finals.”

12 Nangri Juban February 27, 2013 at 11:23 pm

I feel great while reading……… no tension, no pain :-)

13 Parvinder Kaur February 28, 2013 at 2:35 am

Love it. Liked and shared!

14 Lily February 28, 2013 at 7:43 am

Very funny!!! Nice jokes :)

15 Xolisa donklan February 28, 2013 at 12:41 pm

Hahaha! Great jokes

16 Anane Emmanuel February 28, 2013 at 1:01 pm

I am freaked out lol

17 Olanike March 1, 2013 at 7:30 am


18 Jazzy March 1, 2013 at 4:15 pm

Read this, it’s funny.

A teacher asked a student, “Do you know the alphabet?”

The kid said no so the teacher said, “Well, tomorrow you gonna have to say the alphabet to me.”

The kid went home and asked his mom, “Mom, what’s the 1st letter of the alphabet?” His mom responded, “Sshhh I’m on the phone.”
The kid asked his dad, “Dad, what is the 2nd letter of the alphabet?” His dad said, “Yes!”
He then asked his sister, “What’s the 3rd letter of the alphabet?” She said, “Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson.”
He then asked his little brother, “Bro, what’s the 4th letter of the alphabet?” The little brother said, “Driving in my bruum bruum car. Driving in my broom broom car.”

The next day, the kid met the teacher, she asked, “What’s the 1st letter of the alphabet?”
The kid answered, “Sshhh, I’m on the phone.”
The teacher got angry and said, “Do you want to go to the principal office?
The kid responded, “Yes!”
The teacher said, “Who do you think you are?”
The kid said, “Michael Jackson.”
The teacher said, “How do you think you are going to get away with this…”
The kid said, “Driving in my bruum bruum car driving in my broom broom car.”

Hope u enjoy ……. :)

19 Khushendra dahal March 1, 2013 at 7:29 pm

Great !!! lol

20 Esme March 2, 2013 at 11:58 am

Read these wonderful jokes people. I have been loving for the last two days. These are hilarious.

21 Anil Reddy March 2, 2013 at 12:12 pm

It was really amazing friends. I enjoyed a lot, thank you very much.

22 Mzo March 2, 2013 at 1:45 pm

Teacher: “Johnny, why are you late?”
Johnny: “Sir, because of a sign.”
Teacher: “What sign?”
Johnny: “A sign that said ‘Go Slowly, School Ahead’.”

23 Asenaca Matavewa March 3, 2013 at 4:44 am

Haha I’m enjoying it….

24 FunnyAsHell March 3, 2013 at 7:19 am

Wow amazing jokes love them soooo much !!! Put more on people please ! I have no jokes at alll how boring I am.

25 Daisy March 3, 2013 at 11:03 am

Read this, it is a really good joke:

So there are three boys called: Shut Up, Manners, and Poo. Poo goes to the well to collect some water but he felt in the well.

Manners goes to the well to try to help Poo out, while Shut Up goes to the police station to get help.

Police: “What is your name?”
Shut Up: “Shut up.”
Police: “Where is your manner?”
Shut Up: “Down the well picking up Poo.”

26 Waswa Israel March 3, 2013 at 1:30 pm

So, so, so cute.

27 Sani Mukhtar Daura March 3, 2013 at 7:01 pm

A governmental psycharict driver was ordered to take some mad people from Abuja to Katsina state. While on the road, he stopped at one town to take his lunch in a famous restaurant.

After his lunch he came out to find all the mad men gone. He was very afraid so he went to a motor station and picked some people at a cheap price :mrgreen:

28 Pune Waroi March 3, 2013 at 10:19 pm

Cool, thanks for the laugh.

29 SpringLover March 4, 2013 at 2:48 pm

Wow….. some greatest jokes ….

30 Rajdeep March 4, 2013 at 11:44 pm

I have a nice joke here!

There were 4 people in a private plane: a captain, a priest, a boy scout, and a smartest man in the world. Suddenly they heard an explosion, the pilot realized that the engine had exploded so he announced, “Dear passengers, I am afraid that there is a technical problem in the engine. The plane is gonna crash. Grab a parachute and jump!”

The pilot then grabbed a parachute and jumped off. The smartest man in the world said, “I need that parachute, the world needs my knowledge” and so he jumped off.

The priest said, “Boy you take that last parachute, the world doesn’t need me, I am just an old priest.”

The boy scout said, “No, what are you talking about? There are 2 parachutes left.”

“What?” – the priest.

“The smartest man in the world took my backpack.” – responded the boy scout. :mrgreen:

31 Tina March 5, 2013 at 2:59 pm

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”

The third fellow says “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”

The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” they asked. “She said, ‘get out from under the bed and fight like a man’.”

32 Muhammad A March 5, 2013 at 5:40 pm

Wow! Really nice jokes, it helped relieved me off my worries. Just laughing and laughing endlessly.

33 Maurice Atuhaire March 6, 2013 at 6:10 am

Actually they refreshed my mind, so humorous.

34 Phil March 6, 2013 at 1:08 pm

I went out to buy camaflague trousers but I couldn’t find any!

o O o

Did you hear about the blonde that put lipstick on her forehead so she could make up her mind?

o O o

Why can’t you tell blondes knock-knock jokes?
Because they go answer the door.

o O o

Why is the sky so high? – So birds don’t bump their heads!!

35 Jack March 7, 2013 at 5:00 pm

Boy and his teacher conversation:

Boy: “Can I go to the toilet please?”
Teacher: “Say your alphabet.”
Boy: “abcd efgh ijkl mnoq rstu vwxy z”
Teacher: “You forgot about the p.”
Boy: “The p whent down my pants.”

36 Jane March 7, 2013 at 7:42 pm

Why can’t a blonde call 911?
She can’t find the eleven (11).

37 Jane March 7, 2013 at 8:13 pm

Q: Why did the Hedgehog cross the road?
A: To see his Flat Mate.

Q. Why did the orange use suntan lotion?
A. He started to peel.

38 Isha March 8, 2013 at 12:45 am

Well these were really nice jokes. I loved them.

39 Yukta March 8, 2013 at 8:25 am

Nice jokes

40 Jennifer March 9, 2013 at 5:26 pm

Seriously, guys, these jokes are so funny! Wow! I am enjoying myself.

41 Smriti March 10, 2013 at 4:39 am

It’s awesome! Had great laugh!!

42 Lee jackson March 10, 2013 at 6:46 am

So funny…!

43 Ayanda March 10, 2013 at 7:21 am

Lol thanks guys y’all made my day

44 Smriti March 10, 2013 at 9:12 am

A newly wed couple were talking. Husband: “How many boyfriends did you have before marrying me?”

When his wife wasn’t answering, he said: “Don’t want to tell?”
Wife: “I’m still counting!!”

45 Dharshika March 11, 2013 at 3:40 am

Teacher: Suppose you have 10 chocolates. You give 3 to Tina, 2 to Mina and 3 to Sema. What do you have now?

Boy: I would have 3 girlfriends.

46 Pooja March 11, 2013 at 6:30 am

Hey! I have a joke:

A wife and her husband were gone to see an exibition of paintings. So there was one painting, in it was a girl who was only wearing some leaves on her chest.

The husband was looking at the painting with an open mouth while the wife saw the whole exibibtion and came back to him and asked, “Are u going home or waiting for the wind to blow?”

Please comment. If it’s bad or good, plz comment. This is the first joke written by me that’s y. Thanx.

47 Badgrl March 11, 2013 at 4:32 pm

I like it!!!

48 Smriti March 12, 2013 at 4:51 am

Master: “Why didn’t you water the plants yesterday?”
Servant: “It was raining.”
Master: “Don’t make excuses! You could have used an umbrella!!”

49 Aston merrygold March 12, 2013 at 4:43 pm

I love all these jokes.

50 Sushant March 13, 2013 at 2:41 am

Very funny jokes… I like them. Check out mine:

Teacher: Who is the father of the nation?
Student: I don’t know.
Teacher: What does hen lay?
Student: I don’t know.
Teacher: What is the average speed of cars?
Student: I don’t know.
Teacher: Ask your parents for help and tell me tomorrow.
Next day, the student met the teacher and answered: Mahatma Gandhi lays eggs at the average speed of 45km/hour.

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