≡ Menu

Funny Sex Jokes

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel.”
Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, doc?”

The doctor replied, “Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw.’, you hit her with the shovel.”

😀 :mrgreen: 😀

John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife’s side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.

Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into he room and asked him to take this note to your beautiful mommy. The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to take this to your silly daddy. Her note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to the lady in the kitchen. His note read:

The Tent Pole’s Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You’re Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to take this to the poor dude upstairs. Her note read:

I’m Sure That Your Pole’s
The Best In The Land.
But I’m Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand.


A man calls 911 emergency: Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!
After five minutes, the same man calls back: It is ok, I found another one.

A drunk guy walks into a bar and walks up to a guy and says, “I just had sex with your mom!” The guy walks away angrily.
A few minutes later the drunk guy comes up to the guy again and says, “I just had great sex with your mom!” The guy walks away angrily.
A few minutes later the drunk guy comes up to him again and says, “I just had the best sex ever with your mom!” The guy now says, “Shut up dad! You’re drunk again!”

Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blondes?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod.

Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. “Did you get that for your birthday?” – asked Johnny.
“Nope.” – replied Jimmy. “Well, did you get it for Christmas then?”
Again Jimmy said “Nope.” “You didn’t steal it, did you?” – asked Johnny.
“No,” said Jimmy. “I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom the other night when they were ‘doing the nasty’. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.”
Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy’s new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents’ bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.
Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. “What do you want now?” “I wanna watch,” Johnny replied.
Without missing a stroke, his father said, “Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet.”

Johnny’s girlfriend was in labor with they first child. She was shouting out, “Get this out of me? Give me the drugs.”
She looked at him and said, “You did this to me you *******!”
He casually replied, “If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your *** but you said, ‘it’ll be too painful!’.”

An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question, “What is sex…?”
He was surprised she’d ask such a question at her age, but thought if she’s old enough to ask, she’s old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldn’t shirk his responsibility.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation.
When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity. His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, “Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs.”

{ 77 comments… add one }
  • Oguwale Tobi March 27, 2013, 11:39 am

    I am good at hearing jokes.

  • Muhammad Sani April 2, 2013, 4:45 pm

    Interesting!

  • Lainy April 5, 2013, 5:47 pm

    Very!!!

  • Carol April 7, 2013, 12:49 pm

    Yes great

  • Randy May Humple April 16, 2013, 8:20 am

    Omg they are so funny hahahahahhahahahhahhahahahaahaha

  • Chew Bee Keng April 22, 2013, 8:22 am

    Haha! Could not stop laughing.^-^

  • Ali May 1, 2013, 7:07 pm

    I do not get it 🙂

  • Fred May 4, 2013, 2:38 pm

    These were very funny I loved them hahahahahahahahahahah

  • Ssquare May 8, 2013, 4:58 am

    Lovely

  • Kry Speedy May 13, 2013, 9:31 am

    How do you know if a redneck is married?
    If there are two spit stans on both sides of a truck.

  • Sbuda S A May 15, 2013, 6:14 pm

    Hi dudes I really like these jokes they making me laugh the whole night…

  • Elizabeth May 18, 2013, 7:11 am

    I loved it! I mean that happened to me once! 🙂

  • Elizabeth May 18, 2013, 7:12 am

    Wait that wasn’t right, I walked into my friends room one night and caught her having sex! hahahahaha

  • Arvind May 23, 2013, 7:44 am

    One day a vampire goes to a bar and asks for a pint of blood but doesn’t get any and walks out…
    A couple of minutes later he returns and asks for a cup of hot water… The bartender, confused, asks him why he needs hot water…?
    Vampire: I found a used tampoon and wanted to make tea…

  • Callboy May 23, 2013, 2:16 pm

    Nice

  • Stephen May 23, 2013, 7:45 pm

    A woman was having sex in an apartment 20 floors high with another man. She then heard her husband coming… she told her lover to stay like a robot and not to move.
    Husband: What is this?
    Wife: This is a robot, I bought to have sex with when you are travelling…
    Husband: Okay…Lets have sex now…
    Wife: No sweetheart… yesterday I got my period, so I will go and make a cup of coffee for you…
    After she left the husband said: Damn I am so horny, I will f*ck this robot…he tried f*cking. The man started talking in a metallic robotic way…
    “SYSTEM ERROR…WRONG HOLE… SYSTEM ERROR… WRONG HOLE…”
    Husband: Damn robot is not working properly…I am throwing it out of the window…The man realized that he was on the 20th floor and said…
    “SOFTWARE UPDATED…PLEASE TRY AGAIN…”

  • Twin#1 June 3, 2013, 3:35 pm

    Lol i really like your jokes Stephen they are ery funny

  • Colly June 5, 2013, 4:32 pm

    Girl: What is the opposite of laughing?
    Boy: F-cking.
    Girl: What?
    Boy: Yes!…..because when you are laughing you say “Ha ha ha ha” and when ur f-cking you say “Ah ah ah ah”.

  • Leah June 9, 2013, 12:55 am

    Holy shit these jokes are so funny.

  • Nkasto June 9, 2013, 12:25 pm

    I like your jokes.

  • Elizabeth June 15, 2013, 12:56 pm

    I love these jokes! When do more get uploaded? 🙂

  • Mirabel June 21, 2013, 5:17 pm

    I love ur jokes.

  • Stauffer Randy June 28, 2013, 12:03 am

    Nice ones like sex itself!

  • Rakesh June 30, 2013, 8:33 am

    I like it and I shared with my friends …… we had fun hahahahahahahhahahahhahahaha

  • Sarah July 7, 2013, 3:55 am

    I was telling my friends this and they started cracking up at some of them.

Leave a Comment