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42 Funny One Liner Jokes

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes.

o O o

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

o O o

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

o O o

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

o O o

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.

o O o

A day without sunshine is like, night.

o O o

Born free, taxed to death.

o O o

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.

o O o

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

o O o

What is faster Hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.

o O o

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

o O o

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
o O o

What’s the difference between a paycheck and a pen*s? You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
o O o

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
o O o

Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
o O o

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
o O o

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
o O o

I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
o O o

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
o O o

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
o O o

Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.
o O o

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.
o O o

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
o O o

My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company…
o O o

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
o O o

Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.
o O o

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
o O o

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
o O o

I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.
o O o

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got.
o O o

I can handle pain until it hurts.
o O o

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
o O o

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
o O o

You cannot taste me, until you undress me. -Banana
o O o

You cannot eat me unless you lick me. -Ice-cream
o O o

You cannot play with me unless you blow me. -Balloon
o O o

You cannot eat me unless you spread me. -Butter
o O o

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
o O o

A day without smiling is a day wasted.
o O o

Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much more for them.
o O o

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

{ 55 comments… add one }
  • Stephen March 26, 2013, 4:40 pm

    Man: I want to share everything with you.
    Woman: Let’s start from your bank account.

  • Jerry April 7, 2013, 12:57 pm

    Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill any time.

  • Willow Kirk May 23, 2013, 1:34 pm

    The world wide web needs internet, not Stephen Hawking.

  • Stardust June 1, 2013, 12:05 am

    You park on a driveway and drive on a parkway.

  • Dixie normous June 2, 2013, 9:28 pm

    Holy s***

  • Zia June 8, 2013, 2:45 pm

    Good jokes and statements.

  • Deano July 25, 2013, 8:53 am

    Did you hear about the two peanuts walking in the alley late last night?
    One was a salted.

  • Arfa Shahrukh July 26, 2013, 5:27 am

    These are funny but should be a little more elderly 🙂

  • TK July 28, 2013, 1:57 am

    Me love.

  • Muffiedoodle July 29, 2013, 11:06 pm

    Why did the spider cross the road?
    To get to his website!

  • Givemore Mafunda August 8, 2013, 3:38 am

    I am now feeling good!!!

  • JohnnyRed August 8, 2013, 8:49 pm

    What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?
    A small medium at large.
    What did the psychiatrist say to the naked man?
    Well, I can clearly see your nuts.

  • Abbas August 21, 2013, 2:12 pm

    These jokes are nice.

  • Philip August 23, 2013, 11:06 pm

    “De Beers” and “the beers” are both very costly, and both can sometimes get similar results from your girlfriend.

  • Mike August 31, 2013, 2:27 pm

    Did you know there are two kinds of nails?
    One kind you hammer & the other you trim. Just be careful which one you hammer next time.

  • Harsh September 9, 2013, 10:16 am

    Good jokes I am feeling better.

  • Anjan October 14, 2013, 8:22 am

    Good one mate, keep it coming.

  • Bink October 18, 2013, 10:00 pm

    What happens when you mix human DNA with goat DNA?
    Kicked out of the petting zoo.

  • Teekay November 15, 2013, 11:56 am

    Hilarious

  • Jojo November 15, 2013, 1:37 pm

    Bink… your joke is the funniest one here. Keep it up.

  • Patrvic November 24, 2013, 1:37 pm

    What is the final title of Microsoft Windows 8?
    Microsoft Curtains!

  • Tom November 24, 2013, 6:26 pm

    What has two legs and bleeds a lot?!
    Half a cat.

  • Brian December 5, 2013, 11:14 pm

    A skeleton clanks into a bar… he says to tge barman, “Barman, get me a beer and a mop.”

  • Dman December 8, 2013, 5:27 pm

    What you get when you cross a donkey with an onion.
    A piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye.

  • Gary December 12, 2013, 4:11 pm

    What’s the difference between light and hard?
    You can sleep with the light on!

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