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Teacher Jokes

Describing his teacher to his mother, Jimmy called her “mean but fair.”
“Just what do you mean by that?” – his mother asked.
“She is mean to everybody.” – Jimmy replied.

Pupil (on phone): My son has a bad cold and won’t be able to come to school today.
School Secretary: Who is this?
Pupil: This is my father speaking!

Mother: How do you like your new teacher?
Son: I don’t. She told me to sit up the front for the present and then she didn’t give me one!

Son: I can’t go to school today.
Father: Why not?
Son: I don’t feel well
Father: Where don’t you feel well?
Son: In school!


Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn’t you?
Pupil: Not very much!

“Johnny, where’s your homework?” Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.
“My dog ate it,” was his solemn response.
“Johnny, I’ve been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?”
“It’s true, Miss Martin, I swear it is,” insisted Johnny. “I had to smear it with honey, but I finally got him to eat it.”

What would happen if you took the school bus home?
The police would make you bring it back!

A teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”

Pupil: I don’t think I deserved zero on this test!
Teacher: I agree, but that’s the lowest mark I could give you!

The little boy wasn’t getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised.

He tapped her on the shoulder and said…. “I don’t want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don’t get better grades….. somebody is going to get a spanking…”

Teacher: How can you make so many mistakes in just one day?
Pupil: I get up early!

“An abstract noun,” the teacher said, “is something you can think of, but you can’t touch it. Can you give me an example of one?”
“Sure,” a teenage boy replied. “My father’s new car.”

Teacher: I told you to stand at the end of the line?
Pupil: I tried, but there was someone already there!

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write – and they won’t let me talk!”

Teacher: “Isn’t it remarkable how quickly the kids learn to drive the car?”
Parent: “Yes, especially considering how slowly they catch on to running the lawnmower and vacuum cleaner.”

Teacher: You aren’t paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?
Pupil: No, teacher I’m having trouble listening!

The new family in the neighborhood overslept and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus.

The father, though late for work himself, had to drive her. Since he did not know the way, he said that she would have to direct him to the school.

They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes – but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home.

The father, much annoyed, asked his daughter why she’d led him around in such a circle.

The child explained, “That’s the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It’s the only way I know.”


Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning.
Class: Hooray
Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!

College student: “Hey, Dad! I’ve got some great news for you!”
Father: “What, son?”
College student: “Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean’s list?”
Father: “I certainly do.”
College student: “Well, you get to keep it.”

Teacher: Why can’t you ever answer any of my questions?
Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn’t be much point in me being here!

Father: How do you like going to school?
Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit too, but I’m not too keen on the time in-between!

Student: Can you hold on to my wallet for me while we take the exam? There may or may not be money in it.
Teacher: I can’t be bought!
Student: Yes, but can you be rented for a little while?

Teacher: Why are you late?
Webster: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Webster: The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”

Teacher: Cindy, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
Cindy: You told me to do it without using tables!

“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up.” said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.”Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” enquired the teacher with a sneer.

“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.”
The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”The little girl replied, “My homework.”

“Isn’t the principal a dummy!” said a boy to a girl.
“Well, do you know who I am?” asked the girl.
“No.” replied the boy.
“I’m the principal’s daughter.” said the girl.
“And do you know who I am?” asked the boy
“No,” she replied.
“Thank goodness!” said the boy with a sign of relief.

Teacher asked George: how can you prove the earth is round?
George replied: I can’t. Besides, I never said it was.

Q: Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?
A: Because his class was so bright!

Q: Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed?
A: She couldn’t control her pupils!

Q: How is an English teacher like a judge?
A: They both give out sentences.

Q: Teacher: If I had 6 oranges in one hand and 7 apples in the other, what would I have?
A: Student: Big hands!

Q: Teacher: If you got $20 from 5 people, what you get?
A: Student: A new bike.

Q: Teacher: I hope I didn’t see you looking at John’s exam?
A: Student: I hope you didn’t either.

Q: Teacher: What is the shortest month?
A: Student: May, it only has three letters.

Q: Why did the teacher write on the window?
A: Because she wanted the lesson to be very clear!

{ 49 comments… add one }
  • Stephen January 19, 2013, 10:46 am

    Teacher: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
    Simon: No sir, I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook.

  • Stephen January 20, 2013, 2:54 pm

    Little Johnny’s father said, “let me see your report card.”
    Johnny replied, “I don’t have it.”
    “Why not?” His father asked.
    “My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.”

  • Stephen January 20, 2013, 2:54 pm

    The arithmetic teacher had written 10.9 on the blackboard and had then rubbed out the decimal point to show the effect of multiplying this number by ten.
    “Johnny,” the teacher asked, “where is the decimal point now?”
    “On the eraser!” came back the quick reply.

  • Tina January 20, 2013, 3:23 pm

    Q: Why did the student throw his watch out of the school window?
    A: He wanted to see time fly.
    ==============
    Teacher: What is the formula for water?
    Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O
    Teacher: That’s not what I taught you.
    Student: But you said the formula for water was…H to O.

  • Tina January 21, 2013, 3:35 pm

    Teacher: Why were you late?
    Student: Sorry, teacher, I overslept.
    Teacher: You mean you need to sleep at home too?!
    ===================
    Why did Johnny take a ruler to bed?
    Because he wanted to see how long he slept!

  • Tina January 22, 2013, 10:04 pm

    Teacher: George, go to the map and find North America. 
    George: Here it is! 
    Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? 
    Class: George! 
    =======================
    Teacher: “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn’t punish him?” 
    Johnny : “Because George still had the axe in his hand.” 

  • Tina January 25, 2013, 9:46 am

    Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school!” 
    “But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.” 
    “Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.” 
    “Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!” 
    “Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.” 
    “Give me two reasons why I should go to school.” 
    “Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the Principal!”
    ===================
    The teacher wrote on the blackboard, “I ain’t had no fun all summer.”
    “Now Paul,” she said. “What shall I do to correct this?”
    “Get a boy friend.” Paul replied.

  • Tina January 25, 2013, 9:56 am

    A man walked up to a school and said, “Can you teach me to read and write?”
    The administrator said, “Yes we can! Just fill out this form.”

  • Tina January 28, 2013, 6:11 pm

    A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, “Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?”
    The little boy thinks for a moment and says, “NONE!” The teacher replies, “None, how do you figure that?” The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence.” The teacher replies, “Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!”
    The little boy then says, “Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?”
    The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, “Well, I guess the one sucking her cone.”
    To which the little boy replies, “Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!”

  • Tina January 31, 2013, 11:36 am

    History Teacher: “Why was George Washington standing in the bow of the boat as the army crossed the Delaware?”
    Student: “Because he knew if he sat down, he would have to row.”

  • Stephen February 4, 2013, 5:58 pm

    Teacher: Where is your homework?
    Student: I lost it fighting a kid who said you weren’t the best teacher in the school.

  • Stephen February 6, 2013, 9:30 am

    Tommy dropped out of school and his buddy asked: “Why?”
    “I got discouraged, that’s all. I flunked every subject except geography.”
    “Every subject except geography? How do you explain that?”
    “I didn’t take geography!”

  • Stephen February 6, 2013, 11:22 am

    While leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician.
    “Have you ever broken a bone?” – he asked.
    “Yes.” – the girl replied.
    “Did it hurt?”
    “No.”
    “Really? Which bone did you break?”
    “My sister’s arm.”

  • Tina February 15, 2013, 3:31 pm

    SON: Dad, I’m tired of doing homework.
    FATHER: Now, son, hard work never killed anyone.
    SON: I know, but I don’t want to be the first!
    ======================
    PUPIL: Teacher, is there life after death?
    TEACHER: Why do you ask?
    PUPIL: I may need the extra time to finish all this homework you gave us.
    ======================
    TEACHER: So your dog ate your homework?
    FRED: Yes, teacher.
    TEACHER: And where is your dog right now?
    FRED: He’s at the vet. He doesn’t like math any more than I do.

  • Michealah February 18, 2013, 10:48 am

    Daughter: Dad, I don’t feel well.
    Dad: Where don’t u feel well?
    Daughter: At school.

  • Stephen February 28, 2013, 8:21 pm

    Teacher: “Daniel, you must not use ‘a’ before a plural noun. Say ‘cow’ not ‘a cows’.”
    Daniel: “But Teacher, my preacher always says ‘amen’.”

  • Stephen March 1, 2013, 9:48 am

    On his final exam, Emmett was stumped. He didn’t know any…not one… answer. Finally he wrote: “God alone knows the answers to these questions.”
    He got his report back. On the report was written: “God gets an A. You get an F.”

  • Clement March 3, 2013, 1:27 pm

    He he he, the pupil on the phone joke 🙂

  • Jennifer March 10, 2013, 9:27 am

    Ok guys, it’s my turn. I have a joke. A woman went to church and she was smelling very bad so the pastor approached her and asked.
    Pastor: Mam, what perfume do you use?
    Woman: Well pastor I use the perfume which has two mice on it.
    Pastor: Interesting, please when you go home, check if one of the mice has fallen inside the perfume.

  • Nina March 22, 2013, 2:59 am

    So funny

  • Stephen March 25, 2013, 11:06 am

    Q: Why did the student eat his homework?
    A: Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.

  • Stephen March 25, 2013, 11:19 am

    As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

  • Tina March 25, 2013, 11:44 am

    TEACHER: What does your history book tell you about the Civil War?
    PUPIL: It doesn’t tell me anything. I have to read the dumb thing.
    ===========
    LIBRARIAN: Why don’t you take home a Dr. Seuss?
    PUPIL: I didn’t know he made house calls.
    ===========
    TEACHER: Why are you holding your textbook up to the window?
    PUPIL: You told me to open it up to the Middle East.
    ===========
    TEACHER: Tell the class what book you read.
    PUPIL: Black Beauty.
    TEACHER: And tell the class what it was about.
    PUPIL: It was about 120 pages.

  • Tina April 2, 2013, 5:14 pm

    Whiskey And Worms
    A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 9th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
    “Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
    The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. “Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.
    Scott, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”

  • Lucky Marhanele April 3, 2013, 8:50 am

    Student arrived late at school, and teacher was already in class:
    Student: “Sorry Sir I’m late, it won’t happen again.”
    Teacher: “Don’t worry son, at least you’re early for the next period.”
    :mrgreen:

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