A student goes into his lab right at the end of the class hour. Fearing he’ll get an “F”, he asks a fellow student what she’s been doing.
“We’ve been observing water under the microscope. We’re suppose to write up what we see.” The page of her notebook is filled with little figures resembling circles and ellipses with hair on them.
The panic-stricken student hears the bell goes off, opens his notebook and writes, “During this laboratory, I examined water under the microscope and I saw twice as many H’s as O’s.”
A chemistry professor wanted to teach the 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
“Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, as happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.
Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded…
“Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms!”
Man: I wish I was the Enzyme DNA Helicase.
Man: So I could unzip your genes.
Teacher: Johnny, what’s H2SO4?
Johnny: Oh…er…hang on, I know this…it’s on the tip of my tongue.
Teacher: Well spit it out then!
A neutron walks into a restaurant and orders a couple of drinks. As she is about to leave, she asks the waiter how much she owes. The waiter replies, “For you, No Charge!”
Two atoms are walking down the street. Says one atom to the other, “Hey! I think I lost an electron!”
The other says, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m positive!”
A group of students were discussing which of their specialities was of the most practical use. A fellow student appeared at the table with a large pink gin.
The chemist proceeded to explain why it was pink in color.
The physicist measured the specific gravity.
The mathematician calculated the cost per unit volume.
The doctor outlined what it would do to the liver.
The engineer picked it up and drank it.
A chemistry professor couldn’t resist interjecting a little philosophy into a class lecture. He interrupted his discussion on balancing chemical equations, saying, “Remember, if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate!”
The anti aircraft guns fired at the bomber pilot as he emptied his load of Hydrochloric Acid over enemy territory. He smiled with satisfaction at the voice over his radio. “Congratulations, you’ve just neutralized a dangerous base!”
At the end of the semester, a 10th-grade chemistry teacher asked her students, what was the most important that they learned in lab. A student promptly raised his hand and said, “Never Like the Spoon.”
A small piece of ice which lived in a test tube fell in love with a bunsen burner. “Bunsen! My flame! I melt whenever I see you!” said the ice. The bunsen burner replied: “It’s just a phase you’re going through.”
A freshman chemistry student prepared a standard solution and showed it to her professor. The professor gave her a puzzled look, and said, “This solution looks a bit weird. Are you sure you used the right set of reagents?” The student replied, “Absolutely. According to my calculations, this is one normal solution.”
What did the chemist say when he found two isotopes in helium?
What weapon can you make with potassium, nickel, and iron?
Where and how frequently do chemists have sex?
On the table, periodically.
What do you call the males of a tribe called Ganese?
Why did the chemist help the kid who was being bullied?
He didn’t want to watch the kid sulfur.
What do you do to chemists when they die?
If H-two-O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?
Why is potassium a racist element?
Because, when you put three of them together, you get KKK.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They’re cheaper than day rates.
What do you call a joke that is based on cobalt, radon, and yttrium?
Do you know a good chemistry joke?
No sorry, all of them argon.
I told a chemistry joke but there was no reaction.