Funny Blonde Jokes

by Stephen on January 20, 2013 · 86 comments

in Jokes

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all die. In order to get into heaven though, they must go up 100 steps, each containing a joke. The trick is that they must not laugh.

The brunette goes first and laughs at the first step and is sent to hell. The redhead goes next and makes it to the seventh step before she laughs.

Finally, it’s the blondes turn. She gets all the way to the 99th step before she laughs. God asks her, “You were so close, why did you laugh?” and she responds, “I just got the first joke!”

A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked.

“How much for these shoes?” – she asked the store manager.

“$200” – he replied.

“That’s too expensive! Can’t you bring the price down?” – the blonde.

The store manager said he couldn’t, and got irratated when the blonde persisted.

Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, “There’s a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don’t you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?!” – he yelled.

“Fine. I will.” – the blonde replied.

After an hour, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her.

When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones.

Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed “Oh my gosh! This one doesn’t have any shoes either!”

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER!”

“NO!” the blonde yelled back, “IT’S A SCARF!”

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed?

A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.

A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o’clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn’t jump, and the redhead replied, “I’ll take that bet!”

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, “I can’t take this, you’re my friend.” The blonde said, “No. A bet’s a bet.”

So the redhead said, “Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o’clock news, so I can’t take your money.”

The blonde replied, “Well, so did I, but I never thought he’d jump again!”

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.”

“We don’t have any,” replied the first blonde.

“Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses,” said the Game Warden.

“But officer,” replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.”

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. “Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden. “Take all the debris you want.” And with that, he left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. “What a dumb Fish Cop,” the second blonde said to the other two. “Doesn’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?”

A blond was going to get her hair layered at the salon with headphones on. The lady at the salon said to take the headphones off.

The blond said ” No way, I would die if I did”.

The lady said “Whatever” and did her work.

Then the lady took the headphones off thinking it wouldn’t matter if she did. The blond dropped dead. The salon lady heard the headphones saying “breath in, now breath out” repeatedly.

One day a blonde felt like being a rebel, so she decided that she would drink and drive.

She found a cop car in the parking lot of a donut shop, so she started to drive around, circling the cop car.

After about 10 minutes of driving round and round she got fed up, so she parked the car, got out and walked over to the cop car, looked at the cop and said, “Aren’t you going to arrest me?”

The cop asked, “why?”

She replied, “Cause I was drinking and driving!”

The cop looked at her in bewilderment and answered, “We can’t arrest you if you’re driving while drinking… water!”

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What’s up?” he says. “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

“You rotten bastard”, says the husband, “my wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!!!”

{ 50 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Stephen January 23, 2013 at 3:35 pm

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, ‘When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.’

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, ‘I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.’

The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, ‘It’s just 99 cents a word.’ Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, ‘I want you to send her the word ‘comfortable.’
The operator shakes his head. ‘How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word ‘comfortable?’

The brunette explains, ‘My sister’s blonde. The word’s big. She’ll read it very slowly … com-for-da-bull.’

2 Sangay Dorji January 26, 2013 at 11:17 pm

It’s really funny ….. I like it.

3 Stephen February 4, 2013 at 5:24 pm

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.

“Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.”

4 Stephen February 4, 2013 at 6:04 pm

A blond went to the dentist.

“I want you to paint my teeth blue.” – the blond.
“What!?” – exclaimed the dentist.
“Just do it!!” – the blond.

So the dentist painted her teeth blue. The blond went back to her car and called her friend to talk about many things. While she was driving a policeman stopped her.

“Mam, your were talking on your mobile while you were driving. Here is how much you must pay.”

“Oh come on!! Don’t you see I have blue-tooth?!”

5 Stephen March 1, 2013 at 10:02 am

A brunette points to the sky and says to a blonde, “Look! A dead bird!”
The blonde looks up and asks, “Where?”

o O o

There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disney Land. When they were about half way there, the blonde saw a sign that said “Disney Land Left” so the blonde turned back around and went home.

o O o

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said, “You know – it’s blondes like that that give us a bad name!”

To this, the other blonde replies, “I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I’d go out there and drown her.”

6 Kolton March 5, 2013 at 7:29 pm

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pick it up, pull the pin, and throw it back!

7 Problem vs Joke March 5, 2013 at 7:34 pm

When you see a man at a comedy show who does not laugh at a joke, that does not mean the joke is not funny. The joke is funny, but his problems are actually bigger than the joke, so he doesn’t laugh.

8 Jennifer March 10, 2013 at 9:47 am

So cool

9 Tina March 11, 2013 at 8:46 am

A blonde texts her b/f saying that she doesn’t understand what IDK means, and wondering if he understood what it meant.

He replied back saying, “I don’t know.”

The blonde immediately texts her b/f back and says, “OMG NOBODY DOES!!!”

10 Stephen March 20, 2013 at 8:31 am

Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year’s hide and seek champion.

11 Stephen March 26, 2013 at 8:32 pm

A blonde walked into a doctor’s office with two burnt ears. The doctor asked, “What happened to your ear?”

The blonde replied, “I was ironing and the phone rang. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and put it to my ear.

The doctor then asked, “Well, what happened to the other ear?” “The s*cker called again!”

12 Stephen March 26, 2013 at 8:34 pm

A blonde comes home from a day of shopping and discovers that her house is on fire, so she calls the fire department on her cell phone.

“Please state the nature of your emergency,” says the operator.
“Help! My house is on fire!” – the blonde replies.
“Okay, where do you live?”
“In a house you silly billy!” – the blonde replies.
“No, no! How do we get there?” – the operator asks fustratedly.
“Duh! Big Red Truck!!”

13 Stephen March 26, 2013 at 8:37 pm

A blonde was going on a plane trip to New York. When the attendant came by and asked for her ticket, she told the blonde,”I’m sorry. Your ticket isn’t for first class. Could you please move to your seat.” The blonde replied,”Im blonde, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to New York.” The attendant said,”That’s fine miss, but you’ll have to go to your seat.” The blonde responded again, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to New York.”

This conversation continued, always with the blonde’s same response. The attendant got so upset that she went to the captain and told him about the blonde. The captain went and whispered something in the blonde’s ear and the blonde immeadiately got up and went to her seat in coach.

The attendant asked the captain how he got the stubborn blonde to move. He said, “I just told her that this part of the plane wasn’t going to New York.”

14 Stephen March 26, 2013 at 8:43 pm

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of a Mercedes with a coat hanger:

Blonde #1: I can’t seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde #2: Well you better hurry up and try harder, because it’s starting to rain and the top is down!

15 Stephen March 28, 2013 at 2:42 pm

Q: Why did the blonde stare at a carton of orange juice for 3 hours?
A: Because it said concentrate.

16 Smiley March 31, 2013 at 4:33 pm

The blonde sat down ready to take her math exam. She knew she would cheat since she had the smartest kid in her grade sitting beside her. She copied his whole test page by page. Feeling confident in her answers she gets up and gives her paper to the teacher.

She stands there waiting for the teacher to respond in amazment. The teacher went through the test and said, “I know you cheated. You copied Jim’s paper including his name.”

17 Silly Girl April 16, 2013 at 12:57 am

So this blonde got into a horrible accident but she got out of the car and was fine and was waiting for someone to come help. When a police got there he was amazed she was alright so he asked what happened and she said well it was the weirdest thing so I was driving along and out of nowhere a tree pops up do I swerved around it then another one then another….

The police stopped her and said, I’m sorry but there is no tree on this road for miles.. uhh that was ur air freshener swinging back and fourth.

I hope u all liked it lol:):):)

18 Thefashionista April 17, 2013 at 3:02 pm

Cool jokes 🙂 Here’s mine:

What do u call a blonde with half a brain?

What d’you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were walking on the beach, when they saw a magic lamp. They started to rub it and a genie came out. ‘U may each hav one wish.’ He said.

After thinking for a while, the redhead said, “Altho I’ll be dumber, I want to be blonde; they have more fun.” And so she turned blonde. The brunette agreed and also turned blonde. The blonde looked at her 2 friends and said, “I also want to be a blonder – I’ll have even more fun!!!” And guess what happened? She turned into a blonde man.

19 David April 19, 2013 at 9:23 am

A blonde and a brunette were in a bar. A man walked by and he had dandruff. Brunette said we should give him Head and Shoulders. Blonde said how do you give head.

20 Carlos May 3, 2013 at 8:45 am

I like the pie.

21 Laugh at it May 8, 2013 at 6:35 pm

There was a Brunette, a Brown-Headed and a Blonde. They were stuck in an island. Then they found a magic lamp, so they each got one wish. The Brunette and the Brown-Headed said I wish I can go home. They both went home then the blonde said I wish my friends were here I’m lonely. So the Brown and Brunette came back.

22 Stephen May 11, 2013 at 9:25 am

There was this blonde who needed money badly. She then decides to kidnap a little boy. She finds a boy then she brings him to the playground, she explains to him that she has kidnapped him for money, then she writes a ransom note saying that she has kidnapped their son and she demanding $10,000 cash. She wants it in a brown paper bag under the pear tree in the park, The blonde signs the letter THE BLONDE!!!! She then pins the letter to the boys chest and sends him home.

23 Sabrina Sweet May 24, 2013 at 3:13 pm

I like these jokes, they are really funny.

24 Sarah June 3, 2013 at 8:34 am

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. Then one day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, “Shut up…you’re next!”

o O o

Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theater?
They went to see “Closed for Winter”.

o O o

Once there was a blonde who was going to take flying lessons, so she went to the airport to rent a plane. The manager told her there were no planes left so she would have to use a helicopter. So the blonde got in the helicopter and took off. Every 10 miles she checked in with the manager; after the first 10 miles, she said it was a blast. When she reached 20 she told him that she had never seen so many buttons. But when she reached 30 miles she didn’t check in so the manager went to rescue her. When he found her he asked her how she crashed. The blonde replied, “It was getting cold so I turned off the big fan.”

25 Satch June 11, 2013 at 3:31 am

Actually I’ve heard a variation to this one so thought would share:

There was this blonde who needed money badly. She decides to kidnap a little boy and make money fast and easy. She finds a boy then she brings him to the playground, she explains to him that she has kidnapped him for money, then she writes a ransom note saying that she has kidnapped their son and she demanding $10,000 cash. She wants it in a brown paper bag under the pear tree in the park. The blonde signs the letter THE BLONDE!!! She then pins the letter to the boys chest and sends him home.

The next day she goes to collect the money from under the pear tree. When she gets there, she finds the money along with a letter, it said: “Thanks for returning my son. Can’t believe a BLONDE would do this to ANOTHER.”

26 Stephen June 11, 2013 at 9:33 am

Thanks, Satch! That was so funny 😀

27 Diva June 15, 2013 at 6:51 am

So a Blonde, a Brunette and a Redhead are on the run from the cops since they have murdered somebody. So they run inside a hardware store and hide in potatoe sacks.

The police come in and kick the sack with the Brunette in it and the Brunette says “woof” and they police says oh it’s just a dog. Then they kick the sack with the Redhead in and the Redhead says “meow”. Then they kick the sack with the Blonde in and the Blonde says “potatoes”.

28 Jayjay June 18, 2013 at 7:07 pm

#21: A brown-headed girl and a brunette are the same thing 😀

29 B-man June 19, 2013 at 3:06 am

There was a blonde that just bought a new, fancy, racecar. She was driving off a highway when a man started to yell at her for cutting him off. He signaled for her to pull over and she did. He drew a circle with chalk and told her to stand inside it. She did.

Then he took out a baseball bat and smashed all her windows. He turned around and she was smilling. So he took out his pocket knife and cut open all the leather seats. He looked at her, and she was giggling.

So he turned around and completly destroyed her car. He turned around and she was laughing so hard. Finally he couldn’t stand it and asked why the blonde was laughing and she replied, “Every time you weren’t looking I steped out of the circle.”

30 Katelyn June 24, 2013 at 11:46 pm

A blond walks down the cereal aisle in a store. When she sees cheerios, she yells, “donut seeds!”

31 Becky June 29, 2013 at 11:51 pm

These are so funny I cracked my whole family up.

32 LOL July 10, 2013 at 10:10 pm

Q. How did the blonde die?
A. She forgot to turn off the stove.

Hope you like.

33 Idk July 14, 2013 at 5:02 am

There are a blonde, a brunette and a rednecked stucked on an island. The distance between their home and the island is only 1000 meters.

These three girls want to go back and the only way is to swim. So the first one to take step is the rednecked. She only swims 100 meters and drown. Next the brunette gives it a go. She swims 200 meters and drown. The blonde put all her courage to swim through the ocean since she is the only one who is still alive in the island. Amazingly she can swim 500 meters. She starts to feel tired and she is afraid that she will drown like the to other girls so after swimming 500 meters, she decides to SWIM BACK TO THE ISLAND.

34 Katie August 8, 2013 at 4:43 am

OMG funny funny. Hilarious.

35 Jason August 16, 2013 at 10:48 pm

How do you get a Blonde to drown herself?
Throw a scratch and sniff at the bottom of a swimming pool.


There’s a magical mountain that you jump off of and yell the name of something and you turn in to what you yell. A brunette jumps off and yells “Eagle!” She turns into an eagle and flies away. A redhead Jumps off and yells “Butterfly!” She turns into a butterfly and flutters away. The Blonde Tripped on a vine, and said “Oh Crap!”

36 Sabrina Sweet August 20, 2013 at 3:14 pm

Cool joke

37 Anonymous September 16, 2013 at 4:44 pm

A blonde, brunette and a red-head are on the run from the cops. They see a barn and decide to hide inside. The Brunette hides behind a cow, the red-head hides behind a pig, the blonde hides inside a sack of potatoes. The police comes to the cow and asks, “Anybody here?” The brunette moos. The cops come to the pig and ask the same question, the red-head oinks.

The police arrives at the sack of potatoes and once again asks if anybody is there. The blonde replies, “Potatoes, potatoes.”

38 Makaylah September 21, 2013 at 5:25 am

Haha these are funny even though I’m a blonde.

39 Katelin Howerton October 1, 2013 at 3:07 pm

A blonde and a brunett live together. The brunett comes home to find a string tied to the roof and to the blondes waist. She says what are you doing, the blonde replies I am trying to commit suicide. The brunett said try having the string around your neck. The blonde said I already tried that I just couldn’t breathe.

40 Jenna October 6, 2013 at 3:27 pm

Two blondes are trying to decide where to have a picnic, in the middle of the road or beside the tree. They decide to go in the middle of the road. A car comes, swerves around them and hits the tree. The one blonde says, “Good thing we didn’t go beside the tree!” 🙂

41 Paul perkins October 7, 2013 at 11:33 am

Those are very funny keep it up you guys!!!

42 Mary vogel October 11, 2013 at 4:16 pm

What is the white stuff at the bottom of a blondes panties?

Why do blondes wear panties?
To keep their ankles warm.

43 Autumn Lime October 30, 2013 at 6:57 am

These are kinda funny but not enough.

44 Willy N. November 18, 2013 at 5:17 pm

Why did I have to build a triangle coffin for a blonde when she died?

Because whenever her head hits the pillow, her legs opens up!

45 Francis November 19, 2013 at 2:35 pm

There’s a man on death row and his officer is a blonde. She sets him in the electric chair, straps him down and asks if he has any last requests. The man says, “Yeah, can you hold my hand?”

The blond says sure and turns the electric chair on.

lol hope like it.

46 Meg November 22, 2013 at 5:02 am

There was a blonde, she decided to go to a hair-dresser. She walked along the street, and found one that had a sign on the front of it saying, yes, we are open.

When she had finished and paid, and was about to walk out the door, she noticed a sign on the BACK of the door saying, sorry we’re closed…and wondered how long it would be before she got home.

47 Reyanna November 22, 2013 at 12:19 pm

Pretty funny, too bad I don’t know any funny blonde jokes to share 🙂

48 Jaden Keithley November 24, 2013 at 11:46 pm

Q: Why did the blonde throw a stick of butter out the window?
A: Because she wanted to see a butterfly.

49 Paulmorrow December 3, 2013 at 9:05 am

These are some funny jokes

50 Mossstar1992 December 20, 2013 at 2:20 pm

What do you call a group of blondes who get locked in a freezer?
-Frosted Flakes

Why did the blondes belly button hurt?
-Her Boyfriend was blonde too.

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