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Funny Blonde Jokes

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all die. In order to get into heaven though, they must go up 100 steps, each containing a joke. The trick is that they must not laugh.

The brunette goes first and laughs at the first step and is sent to hell. The redhead goes next and makes it to the seventh step before she laughs.

Finally, it’s the blondes turn. She gets all the way to the 99th step before she laughs. God asks her, “You were so close, why did you laugh?” and she responds, “I just got the first joke!”

A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked.

“How much for these shoes?” – she asked the store manager.
“$200” – he replied.

“That’s too expensive! Can’t you bring the price down?” – the blonde.

The store manager said he couldn’t, and got irritated when the blonde persisted.

Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, “There’s a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don’t you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?!” – he yelled.

“Fine. I will.” – the blonde replied.

After an hour, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her.

When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones.
Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed “Oh my gosh! This one doesn’t have any shoes either!”

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER!”

“NO!” the blonde yelled back, “IT’S A SCARF!”

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed?
A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.

A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o’clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn’t jump, and the redhead replied, “I’ll take that bet!”

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, “I can’t take this, you’re my friend.” The blonde said, “No. A bet’s a bet.”

So the redhead said, “Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o’clock news, so I can’t take your money.”

The blonde replied, “Well, so did I, but I never thought he’d jump again!”

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.”

“We don’t have any,” replied the first blonde.

“Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses,” said the Game Warden.

“But officer,” replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.”

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. “Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden. “Take all the debris you want.” And with that, he left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. “What a dumb Fish Cop,” the second blonde said to the other two. “Doesn’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?”

A blond was going to get her hair layered at the salon with headphones on. The lady at the salon said to take the headphones off.

The blond said ” No way, I would die if I did”.

The lady said “Whatever” and did her work.

Then the lady took the headphones off thinking it wouldn’t matter if she did. The blond dropped dead. The salon lady heard the headphones saying “breath in, now breath out” repeatedly.

One day a blonde felt like being a rebel, so she decided that she would drink and drive.

She found a cop car in the parking lot of a donut shop, so she started to drive around, circling the cop car.

After about 10 minutes of driving round and round she got fed up, so she parked the car, got out and walked over to the cop car, looked at the cop and said, “Aren’t you going to arrest me?”

The cop asked, “why?”

She replied, “Cause I was drinking and driving!”

The cop looked at her in bewilderment and answered, “We can’t arrest you if you’re driving while drinking… water!”

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What’s up?” he says. “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

“You rotten bastard”, says the husband, “my wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!!!”

{ 90 comments… add one }
  • Stephen June 11, 2013, 9:33 am

    Thanks, Satch! That was so funny 😀

  • Diva June 15, 2013, 6:51 am

    So a Blonde, a Brunette and a Redhead are on the run from the cops since they have murdered somebody. So they run inside a hardware store and hide in potatoe sacks.
    The police come in and kick the sack with the Brunette in it and the Brunette says “woof” and they police says oh it’s just a dog. Then they kick the sack with the Redhead in and the Redhead says “meow”. Then they kick the sack with the Blonde in and the Blonde says “potatoes”.

  • Jayjay June 18, 2013, 7:07 pm

    #21: A brown-headed girl and a brunette are the same thing 😀

  • B-man June 19, 2013, 3:06 am

    There was a blonde that just bought a new, fancy, racecar. She was driving off a highway when a man started to yell at her for cutting him off. He signaled for her to pull over and she did. He drew a circle with chalk and told her to stand inside it. She did.
    Then he took out a baseball bat and smashed all her windows. He turned around and she was smilling. So he took out his pocket knife and cut open all the leather seats. He looked at her, and she was giggling.
    So he turned around and completly destroyed her car. He turned around and she was laughing so hard. Finally he couldn’t stand it and asked why the blonde was laughing and she replied, “Every time you weren’t looking I steped out of the circle.”

  • Katelyn June 24, 2013, 11:46 pm

    A blond walks down the cereal aisle in a store. When she sees cheerios, she yells, “donut seeds!”

  • Becky June 29, 2013, 11:51 pm

    These are so funny I cracked my whole family up.

  • LOL July 10, 2013, 10:10 pm

    Q. How did the blonde die?
    A. She forgot to turn off the stove.
    Hope you like.

  • Idk July 14, 2013, 5:02 am

    There are a blonde, a brunette and a rednecked stucked on an island. The distance between their home and the island is only 1000 meters.
    These three girls want to go back and the only way is to swim. So the first one to take step is the rednecked. She only swims 100 meters and drown. Next the brunette gives it a go. She swims 200 meters and drown. The blonde put all her courage to swim through the ocean since she is the only one who is still alive in the island. Amazingly she can swim 500 meters. She starts to feel tired and she is afraid that she will drown like the to other girls so after swimming 500 meters, she decides to SWIM BACK TO THE ISLAND.

  • Katie August 8, 2013, 4:43 am

    OMG funny funny. Hilarious.

  • Jason August 16, 2013, 10:48 pm

    How do you get a Blonde to drown herself?
    Throw a scratch and sniff at the bottom of a swimming pool.
    There’s a magical mountain that you jump off of and yell the name of something and you turn in to what you yell. A brunette jumps off and yells “Eagle!” She turns into an eagle and flies away. A redhead Jumps off and yells “Butterfly!” She turns into a butterfly and flutters away. The Blonde Tripped on a vine, and said “Oh Crap!”

  • Sabrina Sweet August 20, 2013, 3:14 pm

    Cool joke

  • Anonymous September 16, 2013, 4:44 pm

    A blonde, brunette and a red-head are on the run from the cops. They see a barn and decide to hide inside. The Brunette hides behind a cow, the red-head hides behind a pig, the blonde hides inside a sack of potatoes. The police comes to the cow and asks, “Anybody here?” The brunette moos. The cops come to the pig and ask the same question, the red-head oinks.
    The police arrives at the sack of potatoes and once again asks if anybody is there. The blonde replies, “Potatoes, potatoes.”

  • Makaylah September 21, 2013, 5:25 am

    Haha these are funny even though I’m a blonde.

  • Katelin Howerton October 1, 2013, 3:07 pm

    A blonde and a brunett live together. The brunett comes home to find a string tied to the roof and to the blondes waist. She says what are you doing, the blonde replies I am trying to commit suicide. The brunett said try having the string around your neck. The blonde said I already tried that I just couldn’t breathe.

  • Jenna October 6, 2013, 3:27 pm

    Two blondes are trying to decide where to have a picnic, in the middle of the road or beside the tree. They decide to go in the middle of the road. A car comes, swerves around them and hits the tree. The one blonde says, “Good thing we didn’t go beside the tree!” 🙂

  • Paul perkins October 7, 2013, 11:33 am

    Those are very funny keep it up you guys!!!

  • Mary vogel October 11, 2013, 4:16 pm

    What is the white stuff at the bottom of a blondes panties?
    Why do blondes wear panties?
    To keep their ankles warm.

  • Autumn Lime October 30, 2013, 6:57 am

    These are kinda funny but not enough.

  • Willy N. November 18, 2013, 5:17 pm

    Why did I have to build a triangle coffin for a blonde when she died?
    Because whenever her head hits the pillow, her legs opens up!

  • Francis November 19, 2013, 2:35 pm

    There’s a man on death row and his officer is a blonde. She sets him in the electric chair, straps him down and asks if he has any last requests. The man says, “Yeah, can you hold my hand?”
    The blond says sure and turns the electric chair on.
    lol hope like it.

  • Meg November 22, 2013, 5:02 am

    There was a blonde, she decided to go to a hair-dresser. She walked along the street, and found one that had a sign on the front of it saying, yes, we are open.
    When she had finished and paid, and was about to walk out the door, she noticed a sign on the BACK of the door saying, sorry we’re closed…and wondered how long it would be before she got home.

  • Reyanna November 22, 2013, 12:19 pm

    Pretty funny, too bad I don’t know any funny blonde jokes to share 🙂

  • Jaden Keithley November 24, 2013, 11:46 pm

    Q: Why did the blonde throw a stick of butter out the window?
    A: Because she wanted to see a butterfly.

  • Paulmorrow December 3, 2013, 9:05 am

    These are some funny jokes

  • Mossstar1992 December 20, 2013, 2:20 pm

    What do you call a group of blondes who get locked in a freezer?
    -Frosted Flakes
    Why did the blondes belly button hurt?
    -Her Boyfriend was blonde too.

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