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Funny Blonde Jokes

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all die. In order to get into heaven though, they must go up 100 steps, each containing a joke. The trick is that they must not laugh.

The brunette goes first and laughs at the first step and is sent to hell. The redhead goes next and makes it to the seventh step before she laughs.

Finally, it’s the blondes turn. She gets all the way to the 99th step before she laughs. God asks her, “You were so close, why did you laugh?” and she responds, “I just got the first joke!”

A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked.

“How much for these shoes?” – she asked the store manager.
“$200” – he replied.

“That’s too expensive! Can’t you bring the price down?” – the blonde.

The store manager said he couldn’t, and got irritated when the blonde persisted.

Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, “There’s a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don’t you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?!” – he yelled.

“Fine. I will.” – the blonde replied.

After an hour, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her.

When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones.
Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed “Oh my gosh! This one doesn’t have any shoes either!”

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER!”

“NO!” the blonde yelled back, “IT’S A SCARF!”

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed?
A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.

A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o’clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn’t jump, and the redhead replied, “I’ll take that bet!”

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, “I can’t take this, you’re my friend.” The blonde said, “No. A bet’s a bet.”

So the redhead said, “Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o’clock news, so I can’t take your money.”

The blonde replied, “Well, so did I, but I never thought he’d jump again!”

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.”

“We don’t have any,” replied the first blonde.

“Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses,” said the Game Warden.

“But officer,” replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.”

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. “Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden. “Take all the debris you want.” And with that, he left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. “What a dumb Fish Cop,” the second blonde said to the other two. “Doesn’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?”

A blond was going to get her hair layered at the salon with headphones on. The lady at the salon said to take the headphones off.

The blond said ” No way, I would die if I did”.

The lady said “Whatever” and did her work.

Then the lady took the headphones off thinking it wouldn’t matter if she did. The blond dropped dead. The salon lady heard the headphones saying “breath in, now breath out” repeatedly.

One day a blonde felt like being a rebel, so she decided that she would drink and drive.

She found a cop car in the parking lot of a donut shop, so she started to drive around, circling the cop car.

After about 10 minutes of driving round and round she got fed up, so she parked the car, got out and walked over to the cop car, looked at the cop and said, “Aren’t you going to arrest me?”

The cop asked, “why?”

She replied, “Cause I was drinking and driving!”

The cop looked at her in bewilderment and answered, “We can’t arrest you if you’re driving while drinking… water!”

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What’s up?” he says. “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

“You rotten bastard”, says the husband, “my wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!!!”

{ 90 comments… add one }
  • Brianna December 24, 2013, 10:49 am

    Q: Why was the blonde happy when it took her a week to finish a puzzle?
    A: Because the box said 3-5 years.

  • Gabe December 28, 2013, 3:46 pm

    Nice jokes

  • Anonymous December 30, 2013, 6:22 pm

    Nice #30

  • Me January 10, 2014, 2:25 pm

    A blonde texts her husband and asks, “Is this dave?”
    He replies, “Dave who?”
    The blonde says, “My secret boyfriend.”

  • Dan January 10, 2014, 2:36 pm

    haha that probably happens all the time

  • Georgeanna February 13, 2014, 5:42 pm

    How are a blonde and doorknob related?
    Everyone gets a turn!

  • Megan February 18, 2014, 12:44 am

    Ok so these jokes can be funny but as a blonde I have to say that they were really mean.

  • Sammy❄️ February 19, 2014, 3:18 pm


  • Sammy❄️ February 19, 2014, 3:21 pm

    A brunette, a red-head and a blonde were in jail when they decided to break out. The girls broke out and the brunette said, “Let’s hide in that barn, they’ll never find us.”
    So they climbed up the ladder and then the blonde threw it down.
    The next morning, the cops said, “Come out with your hands in the air!”
    The red-head said, “Hide in those baskets, they’ll never find us!”
    So the Brunette got in the first one, the red-head got in the second one and the blonde got in the third one. Meanwhile, the cops were getting a ladder set up and trying to get up there. Once they got up, the sergeant ordered them to kick the baskets.
    So the cop kicked the first one: “RUFF.” “It’s just a damn dog!” yelled the cop.
    The cop kicked the next one: “MEOW.” “It’s just a damn cat,” yelled the cop.
    The cop kicked the next basket and the blonde yelled, “POTATOES!”

  • Devil Baby March 3, 2014, 9:31 pm

    Q: A blonde and a redhead are jumping off a cliff, who hits the ground first?
    A: The redhead, the blonde had to ask for directions.

  • Magic Mirror March 18, 2014, 10:20 pm

    A blonde, brunette, and redhead are trapped on an island. It’s a small, flat, and mostly empty island. Except for one thing, a magic mirror. It is located directly in the center of the island, if anyone tells a lie in front of it, they shall vanish! The brunette, being curious, looks into the mirror and says joyfully, “I think I’m pretty!” POOF!…She disappears. Next, the redhead comes up to the mirror, looking a bit depressed, says, “I think I’m ugly” POOF!…She disappears. Then the blonde, slowly steps up, looks at her reflection and says…I Think..POOF!…

  • Faith March 26, 2014, 11:01 am

    There was once a boy who went to a strip club and decided to finally tell his dad. The dad asked did you see anything u weren’t suppose to see?
    He replied u know ur new blonde girlfriend? The dad says yes what about her? The son says I saw her there and when I asked her what she was doing on the pole she said I’m trying to teach you how to dance o.o

  • Demon March 26, 2014, 1:50 pm

    All of these were funny but wts with the sack of potatoes so lame

  • Weirdo April 12, 2014, 10:59 pm

    I wsh I knew more but
    Stephens are funny

  • Terry McBrydie July 4, 2014, 6:51 am

    How do you drown a blonde? Throw a mirror into the swimming pool!

  • Emily July 16, 2014, 7:25 am

    OMG! I wish there was more! These are sooooo funny! Here is a blonde joke if my own:
    How do you get a blonde out of a tree?
    Wave at her with two hands! (She will copy you!)
    A blonde calls her boyfriend at work and says, “Help! I need you to come home now!”
    “Whatever for, dear?” He asked.
    “I really need help with this jigsaw puzzle! According to the box, it’s meant to be a…”
    “Fine, I’ll come home from work early!”
    So, he got home and takes a look at he puzzle and says, “You know what, let’s just sit down, take a break from it, and… let’s put all the frosted flakes back in the box!!”
    Hope you liked! ☺

  • Erica September 18, 2014, 6:27 pm

    I love this site it is so funny love it hope u like 🙂

  • Nicole September 28, 2014, 3:57 pm

    Why cant a blonde tell a joke? Cause shes blonde …Ikits cheesey..:(

  • Jordan October 2, 2014, 5:08 am

    It’s f*kin hilarious. Me and my mate in school nearly shit ourselves.

  • Cameron furr October 3, 2014, 8:40 am

    How do you get a one armed blond out of a tree?
    You wave at her.

  • Peaches November 1, 2014, 11:39 am

    A blonde decides one that she will paint her house to impress her husband. When her husband leaves for work the blonde goes and starts to paint the house. When the husband came home he found his blonde wife laying on the floor panting really hard and sweating. He rushes over to her and says “Honey, whats wrong are you okay?!” the blonde replies back and said “Yea, it told me to put on two coats!”

  • Lisa November 4, 2014, 9:00 am

    This is funny keep it going.

  • Jen November 13, 2014, 2:44 pm

    What’s brown black and blue and laying in a ditch??
    A brunette that told one too many blond jokes.

  • Jen November 13, 2014, 3:13 pm


  • Pr7gr8m8 November 21, 2014, 2:36 am

    Why di the blonde cross the road? To get to the mirror shop on the other side

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