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Hilarious Jokes

Kid: “Papa, are you growing taller all the time?”
Father: “No, my child. Why do you ask?”
Kid: “Because the top of your head is poking up through your hair.”

Kid: “Mamma, when the fire goes out where does it go?”
Mom: “My dear son, I don’t know. You might just as well ask me where your father goes when he goes out.”

A high school girl, seated next to a famous astronomer at a dinner party, struck up a conversation with him by asking, “What do you do in life?”

He replied, “I study astronomy.”

“Dear me,” said the girl. “I finished astronomy last year.”

Little Bobbie, while at a neighbor’s, was given a piece of bread and butter, and politely said “Thank you.”

“That’s right, Bobbie,” said the lady. “I like to hear little boys say ‘thank you’.”

“Well,” rejoined Bobbie. “If you want to hear me say it again you might put some jam on it.”

Mother took Willie to his first concert. The conductor was leading the orchestra and directing the soprano soloist as well. Willie was greatly interested.

“Mother, why is that man shaking his stick at the lady?” he asked.
“Hush; he is not shaking his stick at her.”

“Then what is she screaming for?”

“Mother, can I have those apples on the sideboard?”
“Yes, dear!”

“Oh, I am so glad you said yes.”
“Why, are you so hungry?”

“No– but I’ve eaten them already.”

“Papa, what are ancestors?”
“Well, my son, I’m one of yours. Your grandpa is another.”
“Oh! Then why is it people brag about them?”

“What’s the matter with your wife? She looks all broken up.”

“She got a terrible shock.”

“How was it?”

“She was assisting at a rummage sale at the church and she took off her new $2 hat and somebody sold it for 30 cents.”

“How many cigars do you smoke a day?”
“About ten.”
“What do they cost you?”
“Twenty cents a piece.”
“My, that’s two dollars a day. How long have you been smoking?”
“Thirty years.”
“Two dollars a day for thirty years is a lot of money.”
“Yes, it is.”
“Do you see that office building on the corner?”
“Yes.”
“If you had never smoked in your life you might own that fine building.”
“Do you smoke?”
“No, never did.”
“Do you own that building?”
“No.”

A guide, showing an old lady through the Zoo, took her to a cage occupied by a kangaroo.

“Here, madam,” he said, “we have a native of Australia.”
“Good gracious,” she replied, “and to think my sister married one of them.”

“Papa, what is the person called who brings you in contact with the spirit world?”
“A bartender, my boy.”

“When are you going on your vacation?”
“I don’t know. I’ve got to wait until the neighbors get through using my suitcase.”

“Don’t you agree that ‘time’ is the greatest healer?”
“He maybe, but he’s certainly no beauty specialist.”

“I dreamed last night that I had invented a new type of breakfast food and was sampling it when–”
“Yes, yes; go on.”
“I woke up and found a corner of the mattress gone!”

Two kids talking:
“I painted something for last year’s academy.”
“Was it hung?”
“Yes, near the entrance where everybody could see it.”
“Congratulations! What was it?”
“A board saying, ‘Keep To The Left’.”

Friend 1: “Did you know that I had taken up story-writing as a career?”
Friend 2: “No, sold anything yet?”
Friend 1: “Yes, my watch, my saxophone, and my overcoat.”

“What do you find the most difficult thing on the piano?”
“To pay the installments.”

Two girls:
“I’m going to buy a book.”
“A book!”
“Yes, my husband bought me the most adorable reading-lamb yesterday.”

Waiter: “Yes, sir, we are very up to date. Everything here is cooked by electricity.”
Diner: “I wonder if you would mind giving this steak another shock?”

Diner: “Waiter, the portions seem to have got a lot smaller lately.”
Waiter: “Just an optical illusion, sir. Now that the restaurant has been enlarged, they look smaller, that’s all.”

Teacher: “Tell me something about oysters, Johnny.”
Johnny: “They are very lazy. They are always found in beds.”

{ 29 comments… add one }
  • Stephen March 20, 2013, 8:29 am

    A mother invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”
    “I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.
    “Just say what you hear mommy say,” the woman answered.
    The daughter bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”

  • Sophie March 26, 2013, 9:24 pm

    What do you call someone who you like but is too old for you?
    Out dated!

  • Stephen April 1, 2013, 11:53 am

    “I told my wife I would shoot any man who had flirted with her at the seaside.”
    “What did she say?”
    “She told me to bring a machine-gun.”

  • Stephen April 16, 2013, 12:07 pm

    A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
    “Wow!,” said her father, “That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?”
    “Wrong number,” replied the girl.

  • Nancy May 5, 2013, 4:06 pm

    Left me rib cracked. Just a bomb!

  • sally May 19, 2013, 5:02 am

    I think I’m gonna have a heart attack!

  • Kristen May 22, 2013, 12:14 pm

    Y’all have some funny jokes.

  • Charlie Whitchurch June 12, 2013, 3:52 pm

    Don’t follow my footsteps… I run into walls.

  • Elise June 22, 2013, 7:55 am

    A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
    Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
    When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
    At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

    Dearest Wife,
    Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
    P.S. Sure is hot down here.

  • Elizabeth July 8, 2013, 10:55 pm

    Why did the turtle cross the street?
    To get to the SHELL station.

  • Joleen July 16, 2013, 1:01 am

    The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.

  • Mckenna July 19, 2013, 4:13 pm

    Why did the turtle cross the road?
    To get his wife shelly.

  • Shania August 3, 2013, 3:10 pm

    These jokes are so funny.

  • Shreekant Joshee August 6, 2013, 9:57 am

    Give a sentence which gives the husband happiness and sorrow simultaneously?
    While making love you are the best than any of your friends.

  • Stephanie Sophia August 10, 2013, 8:05 am

    A plane full of crazy people is in the air. One guy goes in to the cockpit and asks the pilot to teach him how to fly. The pilot says if you can get everyone back there quite I will teach you. A few minutes later the guy comes back and said they are quite now. The pilot asked how did you get them quite, the guy says, I just told them all to go play outside.

  • Jotham Nyoni August 21, 2013, 9:56 am

    These are really good jokes.

  • Leonie Cent September 10, 2013, 9:45 am

    Two athletes arrived at their sleeping quarters, before competing in the Olympic Games. As they exchanged greetings with each other etc, one of the athletes asked the other, “So … are you a pole vaulter?” to which came the reply, “No! I am a German … and how do you know my name is Valter?” (spelled Walter, but pronounced Valter, in this instance).
    ==
    NB: This attempt at jocularity is in no way designed as an attempt to draw inappropriate attention to, or ridicule the manner in which certain elements of language are delivered, by those good people whose native language is not English, but a language originating from one of the European countries such as Deutschland or the Netherlands etc. It should be also noted that despite the unfathomable complexity of the English language, many people from countries such as Deutschland, still manage to master English and speak the language fluently. We can all laugh a little at each other’s quirks of language, provided it is done in the spirit of love and joy.

  • Brian October 10, 2013, 2:36 pm

    Superb

  • Dipu December 12, 2013, 3:45 am

    What is the longest rope ever?
    Europe.

  • Micheal mich January 7, 2014, 4:55 pm

    Interesting jokes

  • Jotham Nyoni January 8, 2014, 6:22 am

    These jokes brighten my day

  • Aprillewis January 20, 2014, 2:48 pm

    Hilaaaaaaaarious

  • Dina February 2, 2014, 5:44 pm

    I was sitting listening to my wife singing to my baby over the baby monitor it was just me, her and the baby in the house.
    Then a car pulls in the drive way. It was my wife. Scary.

  • Pappy February 12, 2014, 8:10 am

    9ice

  • Sassssy February 18, 2014, 6:42 pm

    Not funny

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