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Hilarious Jokes

Kid: “Papa, are you growing taller all the time?”
Father: “No, my child. Why do you ask?”
Kid: “Because the top of your head is poking up through your hair.”

Kid: “Mamma, when the fire goes out where does it go?”
Mom: “My dear son, I don’t know. You might just as well ask me where your father goes when he goes out.”

A high school girl, seated next to a famous astronomer at a dinner party, struck up a conversation with him by asking, “What do you do in life?”

He replied, “I study astronomy.”

“Dear me,” said the girl. “I finished astronomy last year.”

Little Bobbie, while at a neighbor’s, was given a piece of bread and butter, and politely said “Thank you.”

“That’s right, Bobbie,” said the lady. “I like to hear little boys say ‘thank you’.”

“Well,” rejoined Bobbie. “If you want to hear me say it again you might put some jam on it.”

Mother took Willie to his first concert. The conductor was leading the orchestra and directing the soprano soloist as well. Willie was greatly interested.

“Mother, why is that man shaking his stick at the lady?” he asked.
“Hush; he is not shaking his stick at her.”

“Then what is she screaming for?”

“Mother, can I have those apples on the sideboard?”
“Yes, dear!”

“Oh, I am so glad you said yes.”
“Why, are you so hungry?”

“No– but I’ve eaten them already.”

“Papa, what are ancestors?”
“Well, my son, I’m one of yours. Your grandpa is another.”
“Oh! Then why is it people brag about them?”

“What’s the matter with your wife? She looks all broken up.”

“She got a terrible shock.”

“How was it?”

“She was assisting at a rummage sale at the church and she took off her new $2 hat and somebody sold it for 30 cents.”

“How many cigars do you smoke a day?”
“About ten.”
“What do they cost you?”
“Twenty cents a piece.”
“My, that’s two dollars a day. How long have you been smoking?”
“Thirty years.”
“Two dollars a day for thirty years is a lot of money.”
“Yes, it is.”
“Do you see that office building on the corner?”
“Yes.”
“If you had never smoked in your life you might own that fine building.”
“Do you smoke?”
“No, never did.”
“Do you own that building?”
“No.”

A guide, showing an old lady through the Zoo, took her to a cage occupied by a kangaroo.

“Here, madam,” he said, “we have a native of Australia.”
“Good gracious,” she replied, “and to think my sister married one of them.”

“Papa, what is the person called who brings you in contact with the spirit world?”
“A bartender, my boy.”

“When are you going on your vacation?”
“I don’t know. I’ve got to wait until the neighbors get through using my suitcase.”

“Don’t you agree that ‘time’ is the greatest healer?”
“He maybe, but he’s certainly no beauty specialist.”

“I dreamed last night that I had invented a new type of breakfast food and was sampling it when–”
“Yes, yes; go on.”
“I woke up and found a corner of the mattress gone!”

Two kids talking:
“I painted something for last year’s academy.”
“Was it hung?”
“Yes, near the entrance where everybody could see it.”
“Congratulations! What was it?”
“A board saying, ‘Keep To The Left’.”

Friend 1: “Did you know that I had taken up story-writing as a career?”
Friend 2: “No, sold anything yet?”
Friend 1: “Yes, my watch, my saxophone, and my overcoat.”

“What do you find the most difficult thing on the piano?”
“To pay the installments.”

Two girls:
“I’m going to buy a book.”
“A book!”
“Yes, my husband bought me the most adorable reading-lamb yesterday.”

Waiter: “Yes, sir, we are very up to date. Everything here is cooked by electricity.”
Diner: “I wonder if you would mind giving this steak another shock?”

Diner: “Waiter, the portions seem to have got a lot smaller lately.”
Waiter: “Just an optical illusion, sir. Now that the restaurant has been enlarged, they look smaller, that’s all.”

Teacher: “Tell me something about oysters, Johnny.”
Johnny: “They are very lazy. They are always found in beds.”

{ 29 comments… add one }
  • Agatha May 28, 2014, 11:01 pm

    A man and his wife were playing golf. The man tees off and his
    ball veers way off to the right, breaking the window of a house.
    The wife says you must go and apologize and pay for the window.
    Both the man and his wife walk up to the house, ring the door but
    no one answers. He opens the door and inside, next to the window
    he sees a broken vase with his golf ball laying on the floor.
    Suddenly a man comes out of a nearby room, the golfer starts to
    apologize for breaking his window and the vase.
    The man inside the house says, “No, don’t apologize, I am a genie
    and have been stuck in that vase for 10,000 years, you have
    rescued me and I owe you deeply. For helping me I will grant three
    wishes. I will give you one, your lovely wife one and I would
    like to keep one for myself.”
    He asks the man what he wishes for. The man thought awhile and
    said, “I wish for a million dollars.”
    The genie waves his hand and said, “A million dollars, it’s yours,
    it has been deposited into your bank account.”
    He asks the wife what is her wish. She says, “I wish for a
    condominium in Hawaii.”
    The genie waves his hand and says, “A condominium in Hawaii, it’s
    yours.” The genie continues, “Now it is my turn.” He thinks for
    awhile and says, “You know its been 10,000 years since I have had
    a woman, could I make love to your wife?”
    The man thinks for a while and says, “Honey, he gave us a million
    dollars and a condominium in Hawaii, the least you could do is
    make love to him.”
    She agrees and they both go to the back bedroom.
    After making passionate love, the woman says, “I can’t believe
    that my husband let you do this to me.”
    The genie says, “And I can’t believe that your husband still
    believes in genies.”

  • vannez June 25, 2014, 1:56 pm

    Some r interesting, some r boring….i didn’t even laugh once

  • Neo December 11, 2014, 6:49 am

    A father and his son went in to a museum. Then his son saw a skull and asked.
    Son: Dad whose skull is this?
    Father: That’s Gandhiji’s Skull.
    And as they went along they saw another skull which is smaller than the first one and his son asked again.
    Son: Dad whose skull is this one?
    Father: This is also the skull of Gandhi while he was young.

  • Sylvia December 26, 2015, 11:39 am

    Extremely hilarious and funny

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