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Funny Jokes for Adults

First Condom:

“I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”

o O o

New York Bar:

Frank was getting ready to go on a trip to New York for the first time, and was talking to his friend Bill.

Bill: “While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to. When you walk through the front door, you are handed a free drink. Then you can go to the back room and get laid. Come back up to the bar, and you get another free drink. Then you can get laid again. It goes on like this all night.”

Frank: “That sounds unbelievable. Have you really been there?”
Bill: “No, but my sister has.”

o O o

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course”, says the man proudly.

The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”

o O o

“My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’

I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”

o O o

An American businessman is entertaining some overseas business guests on the golf course.

The first guest, who is from Italy, tees off and hits a good shot 200 yards down the fairway. As the American businessman knows a small amount of Italian he says: “Buon tiro”, which means “Good shot”. The Italian businessman replies: “Grazie”.

The second guest, who is from France, tees off and hits a fantastic shot that lands on the green thirty feet from the hole. As the American businessman knows a small amount of French he says: “Tir fantastique”, which means “Fantastic shot”. The French businessman replies: “Merci”.

The third guest, who is from Japan, tees off and amazingly the ball goes straight in the hole, a hole in one! The American businessman doesn’t know many Japanese words or phrases but when he dated a Japanese girl during his overseas business trips she used to moan when he made love to her and she would shout out “Ura-ana, ura-ana”, and which he repeats to his Japanese guest. The Japanese businessman replies: “What do you mean, wrong hole?”

o O o

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs. In her 20′s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm. In her 30′s to 40′s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”

“Onions?”

“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?”

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20′s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30′s and 40′s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50′s, it is like a Christmas Tree.”
“A Christmas tree?”

“Yes – the root’s dead and the balls are just for decoration.”

o O o

Here is a really good one, by ‘Imsofunny’, comment #130:

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

Mike asks if Mars has a stock-market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. “Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen.

“Pretty much the way you do,” responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

I don’t think this is going to work,” says Maureen. “Why?” he asks, “What’s the matter?” “Well,” she replies, “It’s just not long enough to reach me!”

“No problem,” he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long.

“Well,” she says, “That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow…”

“No problem,” he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

“Wow!” she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks “Well, was it any good?” “I hate to say it,” says Maureen, “but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?”

“It was horrible,” he replies. “All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.”

{ 205 comments… add one }
  • A Girl's First Time February 18, 2013, 10:35 am

    As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
    He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place.
    He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be.
    He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he’s done this many times before.
    His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it’s too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
    After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
    You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

  • Stephen February 19, 2013, 9:03 am

    As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.”
    She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”
    A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”.

  • Stephen February 19, 2013, 9:05 am

    One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, “We’re making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off.”
    Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, “Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don’t know whom to fire.”
    The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive.
    Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, “Barbara, I’ve got a problem. You see, I’ve got to lay you or Jack off and I don’t know what to do?”
    Barbara replied, “You’d better jack off. I’ve got a headache.”

  • Stephen February 19, 2013, 9:10 am

    A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. He spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can’t hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
    He pointed to his eye meaning “I”, pointed to his knee meaning “need”, then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
    The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, “What the f–k is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!”.
    The other guy says, “I knew that! I was just trying to tell you – I’m coming!”

  • Stephen February 25, 2013, 6:20 pm

    One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm.
    The wife turns over and says “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”
    The husband, rejected, turns over.
    A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
    “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”

  • Takudzwa Gumbochuma March 4, 2013, 4:02 pm

    Nice. Thanks for the laugh.

  • Tina March 5, 2013, 3:15 pm

    Husband: “I don’t know why you wear a bra, you’ve got nothing to put in it.”
    Wife: “You wear briefs, don’t you?”

  • Erikson March 7, 2013, 10:59 am

    Stephen Rocks!!!

  • Rishi March 7, 2013, 8:58 pm

    A male whale produces 8 – 9 thousand gallons of semen, and the female takes only 10% of it.
    And you expect the sea water ‘not’ to be salty.

  • Steven March 8, 2013, 10:30 am

    Wow

  • Faith phiri March 9, 2013, 12:34 pm

    Funny

  • Stephen March 13, 2013, 11:47 am

    There was a boy called D*ck. He asked his mom one day:
    D*ck: “Mom, why is my friend’s name Diamond?”
    Mom: “Because her mom likes diamonds and most moms name their children by what they like.”
    D*ck: “Then what’s my name supposed to mean?”

  • Stephen March 14, 2013, 8:50 am

    A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
    Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled.
    At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”
    Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”

  • Victoriapink March 17, 2013, 4:23 pm

    Omg wow!!!

  • Ms.sexy March 18, 2013, 3:22 am

    Cool ! Adult jokes are awsome !!!

  • Orlando Corradi March 18, 2013, 2:57 pm

    A Chinese couple came to stay in Ghana and had a baby but the baby was black.
    The husband, Yen, asked his wife, Chu, “Why is the baby black?”
    Chu answered, “Yen, you know we are in Ghana, no electricity, room hot, you hot, me hot, sex hot, baby burn.”

  • Elviboy March 19, 2013, 12:34 pm

    Q: What kind of bees make milk?
    A: Boooo-bies

  • Mamamia March 19, 2013, 12:48 pm

    These are cool…am in.

  • Don March 20, 2013, 1:52 am

    Girl & boy go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl’s skirt. Guess where it would have bitten? The boy’s hand.
    o O o
    Yesterday’s news: A blond jogging at the park was rapped.
    Today’s news: Hundreds of blonds are jogging at the park!!
    o O o
    Girl to Mom: When I see the neighbor’s son, my braa tightens.
    Mom: Next time, don’t wear the bra, his pant would tighten.

  • Mduduzi March 20, 2013, 9:40 am

    These adult jokes are cool.

  • Stephen March 23, 2013, 1:10 pm

    A son went to a restaurant with his dad who was in his 70s. After a while, a girl with a rainbow colorful hair came in. The dad kept staring at the girl.
    The girl got mad and said, “Hey old man, didn’t you do anything crazy when you were young?”
    The dad replied, “I did, like f*cking a parrot and I was wondering if you were my daughter.”

  • Kana Jie March 24, 2013, 1:59 am

    My joke if I can recall few years ago.
    Once there was a husband named Harder living with his wife in a bungalow house. The door of the house has 2 holes.
    One day they got bankrupt. The wife was carrying tons of boxes. When she was approaching the door, she slipped and her breasts got stuck in both holes of door.
    A mail man arrived and wonder what’s that and thought it’s a doorbell and squeezed it. The wife screams and call for her husband, “Harder!”
    So the mail man squeezed her breasts even harder while the wife keeps calling her husband.

  • Popoola kayode March 25, 2013, 8:20 am

    Nice

  • Artwell Mudyiwa March 25, 2013, 8:41 am

    Beautiful

  • Vipin Kumar March 28, 2013, 1:29 am

    Love the jokes.

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