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Funny Jokes for Adults

First Condom:

“I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”

o O o

New York Bar:

Frank was getting ready to go on a trip to New York for the first time, and was talking to his friend Bill.

Bill: “While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to. When you walk through the front door, you are handed a free drink. Then you can go to the back room and get laid. Come back up to the bar, and you get another free drink. Then you can get laid again. It goes on like this all night.”

Frank: “That sounds unbelievable. Have you really been there?”
Bill: “No, but my sister has.”

o O o

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course”, says the man proudly.

The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”

o O o

“My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’

I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”

o O o

An American businessman is entertaining some overseas business guests on the golf course.

The first guest, who is from Italy, tees off and hits a good shot 200 yards down the fairway. As the American businessman knows a small amount of Italian he says: “Buon tiro”, which means “Good shot”. The Italian businessman replies: “Grazie”.

The second guest, who is from France, tees off and hits a fantastic shot that lands on the green thirty feet from the hole. As the American businessman knows a small amount of French he says: “Tir fantastique”, which means “Fantastic shot”. The French businessman replies: “Merci”.

The third guest, who is from Japan, tees off and amazingly the ball goes straight in the hole, a hole in one! The American businessman doesn’t know many Japanese words or phrases but when he dated a Japanese girl during his overseas business trips she used to moan when he made love to her and she would shout out “Ura-ana, ura-ana”, and which he repeats to his Japanese guest. The Japanese businessman replies: “What do you mean, wrong hole?”

o O o

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs. In her 20′s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm. In her 30′s to 40′s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”

“Onions?”

“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?”

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20′s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30′s and 40′s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50′s, it is like a Christmas Tree.”
“A Christmas tree?”

“Yes – the root’s dead and the balls are just for decoration.”

o O o

Here is a really good one, by ‘Imsofunny’, comment #130:

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

Mike asks if Mars has a stock-market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. “Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen.

“Pretty much the way you do,” responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

I don’t think this is going to work,” says Maureen. “Why?” he asks, “What’s the matter?” “Well,” she replies, “It’s just not long enough to reach me!”

“No problem,” he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long.

“Well,” she says, “That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow…”

“No problem,” he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

“Wow!” she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks “Well, was it any good?” “I hate to say it,” says Maureen, “but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?”

“It was horrible,” he replies. “All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.”

{ 207 comments… add one }
  • Amity_rex July 18, 2013, 6:20 pm

    lmfao….these are so cool.

  • Destiny July 23, 2013, 1:39 am

    I just found this site, I was upset and needed a good laugh, I came on here, I think I may need a doctor for my stomach and rib aches! Ya’ll are great!!

  • King K July 23, 2013, 10:09 am

    Killer jokes.. #dead#

  • Mansaram Meena July 25, 2013, 2:10 am

    These jokes are good.

  • Zeeah July 31, 2013, 4:40 pm

    #dies… I’m crawling to Avbob right now! Kwaaaaaaaakx! Hilarious! Now this be what I call badaas joke! Wiping tears frm my eyes.

  • T.flame August 3, 2013, 2:11 pm

    Great

  • ENA August 22, 2013, 5:26 am

    I love comedy

  • Ginger August 22, 2013, 7:06 am

    “Where do people go when they die?” – asked little Jimmy. “The angel of God comes and takes them to heaven.” – replied Jimmy’s father.
    One day Jimmy’s father comes home from work and found Jimmy sobbing hysterically. “What’s the matter son?” he asks in concern.
    “Well, we almost lost mommy today, I heard her screaming and I rushed upstairs, when I got to the room, her legs were swinging up and she kept screaming, ‘I’m coming, oh God I’m coming’ and angel would’ve taken her if it wasn’t for uncle Bob holding her down.”

  • Ak August 24, 2013, 4:59 am

    Three girls in a class room.
    The first one said, “Today, I saw a condom on the teacher’s table.”
    The second girl said, “I made a hole in that condom.”
    The third one shouted, “You idiot, I am done then.”

  • Alasela August 26, 2013, 10:05 am

    I really love all the jokes, it is so sweet making me feel good.

  • Aizen August 29, 2013, 9:49 pm

    These adult jokes are awesome.

  • Joan August 30, 2013, 11:06 am

    #funny.. I can barely walk now and my stomach hurts! Ur too cool!

  • Arshad September 12, 2013, 11:16 am

    Ever Wonder Why Women/Girls Wear Panties with Printed Flowers?
    It’s a way to saying “Come Please Water My Garden With Your PIPE”.

  • Arshad September 12, 2013, 11:22 am

    This 12 year old boy was in bed when he heard his mother moaning. He decided that he’d go see what’s wrong with her. When he looked in his mothers room he saw that she was laying on her bed naked and rubbing herself and saying, “I need a man, I need a man.”
    So this quite a few times and then one night he heard his mother again, but this time her moaning sounded different, so he went to go check it out, this time instead of seeing his mother alone, he sees his mother in bed with a man.
    So the boy runs back to his room, strips all his clothes off, jumps on the bed and starts rubbing himself while saying, “I need a bike, I need a bike!!!”

  • Arshad September 12, 2013, 11:23 am

    A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
    They are both startled and he says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”
    She replies, “If your pen*s is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.”

  • Arshad September 12, 2013, 11:24 am

    A boss said to his secretary I want to have sex with you I will make it very fast. I’ll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I’ll be done.
    She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn’t even have enough time to undressed himself.
    So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, “The bastard used coins I’m still picking!”

  • DiGeneral September 14, 2013, 4:15 am

    Nice jokes

  • DiGeneral September 14, 2013, 4:15 am

    Kwakwakwa, alrady eating bannanas 😀

  • Clifton September 16, 2013, 12:30 am

    What did the letter O say to Q ?
    Dude your d*ck is busy falling out…

  • Zabi September 19, 2013, 11:58 pm

    A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, “Hello, could you give me condom. I’m going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!”
    The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out; he returns and says, “Give me another condom because my girlfriend’s sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too.”
    The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says, “Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend’s mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move!”
    During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him.
    When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, “Dear Lord, bless this dinner and Thank you for all you give us.” A minute later the boy is still praying; “Thank you Lord for your kindness.”
    Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, “I didn’t know you were so religious.”
    The boy replies, “I didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist!”

  • Zabi September 20, 2013, 12:00 am

    Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest?” Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
    Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, “Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.” Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions.
    A few weeks later, Johnny’s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!” His father says, “Calm down, son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?” “Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy’s balloons and she’s screaming, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’”

  • Zabi September 20, 2013, 12:00 am

    A woman was at work when a man said, “Your hair smells nice.” She went straight to her boss and said, “I’ve been sexually harassed! A man said my hair smells nice.”
    He in return said, “What’s wrong with that, it does?” She said, “The man who said that was a midget.”

  • Zabi September 20, 2013, 12:01 am

    Due to a shortage of beds to lay in at a homeless shelter, three men were set to be laying together in a California King sized mattress. That night, the three go to bed.
    They wake up the next morning to the alarm clock going off, waking the three up.
    The man on the left says, “Hmm, I had the oddest dream. I had a dream that I was being given a handjob.”
    The man on the right says, “Yeah. Me, too.”
    The man in the center says, “Hmm, that’s weird. I dreamed I was skiing.”

  • Stephen September 20, 2013, 8:52 am

    Zabi, those are funny 🙂

  • Mad face September 27, 2013, 10:50 am

    I like the color of the sun. Do you like it?

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