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Funny Jokes for Adults

First Condom:

“I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”

o O o

New York Bar:

Frank was getting ready to go on a trip to New York for the first time, and was talking to his friend Bill.

Bill: “While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to. When you walk through the front door, you are handed a free drink. Then you can go to the back room and get laid. Come back up to the bar, and you get another free drink. Then you can get laid again. It goes on like this all night.”

Frank: “That sounds unbelievable. Have you really been there?”
Bill: “No, but my sister has.”

o O o

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course”, says the man proudly.

The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”

o O o

“My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’

I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”

o O o

An American businessman is entertaining some overseas business guests on the golf course.

The first guest, who is from Italy, tees off and hits a good shot 200 yards down the fairway. As the American businessman knows a small amount of Italian he says: “Buon tiro”, which means “Good shot”. The Italian businessman replies: “Grazie”.

The second guest, who is from France, tees off and hits a fantastic shot that lands on the green thirty feet from the hole. As the American businessman knows a small amount of French he says: “Tir fantastique”, which means “Fantastic shot”. The French businessman replies: “Merci”.

The third guest, who is from Japan, tees off and amazingly the ball goes straight in the hole, a hole in one! The American businessman doesn’t know many Japanese words or phrases but when he dated a Japanese girl during his overseas business trips she used to moan when he made love to her and she would shout out “Ura-ana, ura-ana”, and which he repeats to his Japanese guest. The Japanese businessman replies: “What do you mean, wrong hole?”

o O o

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs. In her 20′s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm. In her 30′s to 40′s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”

“Onions?”

“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?”

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20′s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30′s and 40′s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50′s, it is like a Christmas Tree.”
“A Christmas tree?”

“Yes – the root’s dead and the balls are just for decoration.”

o O o

Here is a really good one, by ‘Imsofunny’, comment #130:

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

Mike asks if Mars has a stock-market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. “Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen.

“Pretty much the way you do,” responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

I don’t think this is going to work,” says Maureen. “Why?” he asks, “What’s the matter?” “Well,” she replies, “It’s just not long enough to reach me!”

“No problem,” he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long.

“Well,” she says, “That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow…”

“No problem,” he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

“Wow!” she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks “Well, was it any good?” “I hate to say it,” says Maureen, “but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?”

“It was horrible,” he replies. “All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.”

{ 207 comments… add one }
  • Jill May 12, 2013, 1:53 pm

    Love it!!

  • Mikhail May 13, 2013, 8:27 am

    I can’t stop laughing. F*cking funny.

  • Mela May 13, 2013, 10:23 am

    lol…nyc jokes

  • GCI May 15, 2013, 8:45 am

    Wow cool jokes thxs

  • Arvind May 17, 2013, 4:50 pm

    One day a vampire goes to a bar and asks for a pint of blood but doesn’t get any and walks out…
    A couple of minutes later he returns and asks for a cup of hot water… The bartender, confused, asks him why he needs hot water…?
    Vampire: I found a used tampoon and wanted to make tea… 😉

  • Salonas May 18, 2013, 10:19 am

    So I’ve been dating my girlfriend for two years. A few weeks ago she made me very happy by agreeing to marry me, there was one problem she has an extremely hot sister, I mean everytime she bends down I can see almost everything so one day she call me over to come work on invitations.
    I walk in and sit down she whispers in my ear “I’ve always had feelings for you if you would like to have one last fling before you get married come upstairs.” She walks up the stairs and throws her panties on me.
    I’m so shocked I look at the stairs, I look at the door, then again at the stairs. I then run to my car, my entire family in law is sitting outside they are all cheering for me, my father in law says “You’re welcome to the family” and they’re all so proud of me for not giving in.
    *any way the moral of the story is always keep your condoms in your car!

  • clarence May 18, 2013, 11:17 am

    Stephen, you realy mke my day….. I hve a stomachache of laughing…. kwakwakwakwa…

  • Mic May 19, 2013, 3:34 am

    I cant stop laughing!

  • Niki May 19, 2013, 1:58 pm

    What does the blonde do when she finished sucking c*ck?
    She spits the feathers out.

  • Saito May 19, 2013, 10:56 pm

    Too funny.

  • Nombuso May 20, 2013, 2:08 pm

    Wow funy jokes indeed, you just made my day at night lol

  • Sarah May 21, 2013, 1:59 pm

    Wow these are some funny jokes {:

  • Destiny May 21, 2013, 5:15 pm

    OMG that’s f*cking funny lol this made my day.

  • Elliot Hole May 23, 2013, 6:28 am

    These are the best jokes I have heard all my life! And I know, because I am a comedian!

  • Arvind May 23, 2013, 7:36 am

    How to humiliate an archaeologist?
    Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

  • Kelly May 24, 2013, 1:10 pm

    So funny u guys keep up the good work.

  • Benzito May 24, 2013, 1:57 pm

    Wow!

  • Ron May 25, 2013, 5:23 am

    Rofl. Damn funny guys.

  • Moninder May 28, 2013, 4:35 am

    Nice collection. Very funny.

  • S**** May 28, 2013, 10:38 pm

    I just love these!

  • Aziz Hassan May 29, 2013, 4:33 am

    Men these jokes are badass …adults jokes are so cull…

  • Keegan May 30, 2013, 5:54 am

    Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.
    She explained, “I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today.”
    The first student raised her hand to volunteer. “Marcy,” the teacher said. “You may go first.”
    Marcy replied, “My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny.”
    The teacher said, “Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?”
    Kevin stood up and announced, “My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie.”
    “Very good,” the teacher told Kevin. Jeff was next, and he said, “My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no…”
    Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.
    Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on Little Johnny to go next.
    Johnny said, “My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell “accountant.”

  • Sweetie May 31, 2013, 3:10 pm

    Three blondes living together want a snack. One blonde goes to the shop and comes back with a box of cheerios..Omg shouts one blonde. She takes the box and digs a hole in the garden. She pures the cheerios in the hole and buries them. What are you doing one shouts.. I’m growing a doughnuts tree she replies!

  • Twin#1 June 3, 2013, 4:02 pm

    Stephenbis a Aweesome!

  • Bongs June 4, 2013, 12:23 am

    That’s funny jokes

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