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Funny Jokes for Adults

First Condom:

“I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”

o O o

New York Bar:

Frank was getting ready to go on a trip to New York for the first time, and was talking to his friend Bill.

Bill: “While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to. When you walk through the front door, you are handed a free drink. Then you can go to the back room and get laid. Come back up to the bar, and you get another free drink. Then you can get laid again. It goes on like this all night.”

Frank: “That sounds unbelievable. Have you really been there?”
Bill: “No, but my sister has.”

o O o

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course”, says the man proudly.

The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”

o O o

“My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’

I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”

o O o

An American businessman is entertaining some overseas business guests on the golf course.

The first guest, who is from Italy, tees off and hits a good shot 200 yards down the fairway. As the American businessman knows a small amount of Italian he says: “Buon tiro”, which means “Good shot”. The Italian businessman replies: “Grazie”.

The second guest, who is from France, tees off and hits a fantastic shot that lands on the green thirty feet from the hole. As the American businessman knows a small amount of French he says: “Tir fantastique”, which means “Fantastic shot”. The French businessman replies: “Merci”.

The third guest, who is from Japan, tees off and amazingly the ball goes straight in the hole, a hole in one! The American businessman doesn’t know many Japanese words or phrases but when he dated a Japanese girl during his overseas business trips she used to moan when he made love to her and she would shout out “Ura-ana, ura-ana”, and which he repeats to his Japanese guest. The Japanese businessman replies: “What do you mean, wrong hole?”

o O o

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs. In her 20′s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm. In her 30′s to 40′s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”

“Onions?”

“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?”

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20′s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30′s and 40′s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50′s, it is like a Christmas Tree.”
“A Christmas tree?”

“Yes – the root’s dead and the balls are just for decoration.”

o O o

Here is a really good one, by ‘Imsofunny’, comment #130:

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

Mike asks if Mars has a stock-market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. “Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen.

“Pretty much the way you do,” responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

I don’t think this is going to work,” says Maureen. “Why?” he asks, “What’s the matter?” “Well,” she replies, “It’s just not long enough to reach me!”

“No problem,” he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long.

“Well,” she says, “That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow…”

“No problem,” he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

“Wow!” she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks “Well, was it any good?” “I hate to say it,” says Maureen, “but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?”

“It was horrible,” he replies. “All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.”

{ 207 comments… add one }
  • Love March 30, 2013, 4:18 am

    Wow….these jokes are cool…

  • Stephen March 30, 2013, 9:50 am

    One evening, a wife drew her husband’s attention to the couple next door and said, “Do you see that couple? How devote they are? He kisses her everytime they meet. Why don’t you do that?”
    “I would love to,” replied the husband, “but I don’t know her well enough.”

  • Amoo April 1, 2013, 1:01 pm

    Five Laughs:
    No1
    A man was so jealous of his newly born baby that he put poison on the wife’s nipples while she was asleep.
    The next day, their driver died of poisoning.
    ********
    No2
    A man is dying of cancer, but keeps telling people he is dying of AIDS.
    His son asked Dad why? He answered, so that when I am dead, no one will chase your mum.
    ********
    No3
    A lady lost three panties in her house and blamed her maid in front of the husband.
    Maid said sir you are my witness you know I never wear panties.
    ********
    No4
    Couple is having a quickie and their 6 year old catches them, Son: “What are you doing?”
    Father: “I’m putting petrol on your Mom.”
    Son: “Haauu – Haauu! Which means Mom’s engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr Zwane has put in yesterday.”
    Mother fainted!
    ********
    No5
    A man went to the pub with his wife.
    When he left for the counter to buy drinks a prostitute approached his wife & whispered: “You must demand cash before sex, I know him he doesn’t pay.

  • Carizma Monkey April 1, 2013, 2:29 pm

    Guys those were nice jokes, am falling to sleep because I am just laughing right now hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

  • Nicodemus April 1, 2013, 3:36 pm

    Omg this site is badass one.

  • Chuck April 5, 2013, 5:06 am

    – Mommy please make me a sandwitch…
    – Don’t call me “mommy” just because I slept with your father!
    – So how I supose to call you?
    – Like everybody – Steven…

  • Brian April 6, 2013, 4:00 pm

    Wow! This is great.

  • Sshafy2013 April 8, 2013, 3:03 am

    lmfbao!!!

  • Icezik April 8, 2013, 4:03 pm

    Damn Stephen’s da boss.

  • Armondos April 11, 2013, 11:06 pm

    Why did the guy cross the street? Because his d*ck was stuck in the toaster.

  • Nick April 12, 2013, 10:23 am

    A girl tells her mom that she is going out to have some french fries. She went out and had sex with a boy for an hour and came back home.
    Mother: “And how was were the fries?”
    Girl: “Nice!!”
    Mother: “I can see that, the mayonaise is dripping out of your mouth.”

  • Lisa April 16, 2013, 4:04 pm

    Wow laughter is the best medicine.

  • Mabusi April 17, 2013, 2:23 am

    Please send me funny jokes to my email.

  • Stephen April 17, 2013, 7:51 am

    Hi Mabusi 🙂
    Make sure to subscribe using the menu on the top right side of this website. Or when you write a comment, tick the box “Notify me of new posts by email”, it is the same subscription feature.

  • Jake Derbyshire April 18, 2013, 8:48 am

    Whats 16 Inches and makes girl’s Scream At Night?
    Cott Death
    What did the tampon say to the other tampon?
    Nothing bcuz they were both stuck up.

  • Crap April 21, 2013, 6:18 pm

    What did the asshole say to the bitch? Your a bitch, well at least I ain’t an asshole!!!!!

  • Freddy April 24, 2013, 5:08 am

    You guys made my day.

  • Jonah May 3, 2013, 6:40 am

    These adult jokes are really cool.

  • Kaila May 3, 2013, 10:31 am

    This is crazy but very funny kinda made me to go and do it my self 😉

  • Alejandra May 6, 2013, 3:00 pm

    These are some very funny jokes, thank you to everyone whose wrote one.

  • Funge May 7, 2013, 6:59 am

    Dead with laughter…

  • Shaw May 8, 2013, 8:11 am

    Cool and Adultiliciously fit for ma health!

  • Eric May 8, 2013, 3:37 pm

    Hahahaha….

  • Nathy May 11, 2013, 2:02 am

    You made my day ha ha ha

  • Lorraine May 12, 2013, 11:48 am

    Nice jokes guys, yoh! Can’t stop laughing.

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