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Funny Jokes for Adults

First Condom:

“I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”

o O o

New York Bar:

Frank was getting ready to go on a trip to New York for the first time, and was talking to his friend Bill.

Bill: “While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to. When you walk through the front door, you are handed a free drink. Then you can go to the back room and get laid. Come back up to the bar, and you get another free drink. Then you can get laid again. It goes on like this all night.”

Frank: “That sounds unbelievable. Have you really been there?”
Bill: “No, but my sister has.”

o O o

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course”, says the man proudly.

The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”

o O o

“My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’

I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”

o O o

An American businessman is entertaining some overseas business guests on the golf course.

The first guest, who is from Italy, tees off and hits a good shot 200 yards down the fairway. As the American businessman knows a small amount of Italian he says: “Buon tiro”, which means “Good shot”. The Italian businessman replies: “Grazie”.

The second guest, who is from France, tees off and hits a fantastic shot that lands on the green thirty feet from the hole. As the American businessman knows a small amount of French he says: “Tir fantastique”, which means “Fantastic shot”. The French businessman replies: “Merci”.

The third guest, who is from Japan, tees off and amazingly the ball goes straight in the hole, a hole in one! The American businessman doesn’t know many Japanese words or phrases but when he dated a Japanese girl during his overseas business trips she used to moan when he made love to her and she would shout out “Ura-ana, ura-ana”, and which he repeats to his Japanese guest. The Japanese businessman replies: “What do you mean, wrong hole?”

o O o

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs. In her 20′s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm. In her 30′s to 40′s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”

“Onions?”

“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?”

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20′s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30′s and 40′s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50′s, it is like a Christmas Tree.”
“A Christmas tree?”

“Yes – the root’s dead and the balls are just for decoration.”

o O o

Here is a really good one, by ‘Imsofunny’, comment #130:

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

Mike asks if Mars has a stock-market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. “Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen.

“Pretty much the way you do,” responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

I don’t think this is going to work,” says Maureen. “Why?” he asks, “What’s the matter?” “Well,” she replies, “It’s just not long enough to reach me!”

“No problem,” he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long.

“Well,” she says, “That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow…”

“No problem,” he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

“Wow!” she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks “Well, was it any good?” “I hate to say it,” says Maureen, “but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?”

“It was horrible,” he replies. “All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.”

{ 210 comments… add one }
  • Charles January 18, 2014, 5:04 am

    A lawyer, a medical doctor and a mechanic are having a drink in a bar:
    Lawyer: Last year I took my wife to the Bahamas on vacation. Boy we had fun. I’m thinking this year we try Hawaii or perhaps Australia for her birthday celebration.
    Doctor: I bought my wife the BMW X5 on her birthday last year. This year we are going to see the great wall of china on our anniversary. Man I can’t wait to get there.
    Mechanic: Well I got ma baby mama two presents for Christmas last year. A t-shirt and a dildo. I figured if she didn’t like the tee shirt at least she can go and f*ck herself.

  • Bella February 22, 2014, 11:36 pm

    I like the one where the moral of the story is to keep your condoms in the car. It is just f*cking hilarious.

  • Jennifervaron February 26, 2014, 12:19 pm

    A great joke I ever had in my life.

  • Chef bryan March 6, 2014, 10:45 am

    Jast maaad u guy awsme

  • Kirl March 11, 2014, 3:10 am

    Really funny adults jokes…..continue de gud work

  • GUGU March 11, 2014, 8:42 am

    Mad love for the Monkey already eating bananaz

  • Alex March 17, 2014, 6:47 pm

    Intresting jokes. Luv em all

  • Jerry birzon April 12, 2014, 10:19 am

    Keep up the good work. It is a pleasure to laugh instead of cry.

  • suhas April 18, 2014, 4:18 am

    haha ha….

  • Liesie April 22, 2014, 9:53 am

    Lolz very funny

  • Jaclyn howard May 5, 2014, 10:47 am

    I loved them need to make more and funnier tho… they made my day tho keep going stephen

  • Big Al May 7, 2014, 5:16 pm

    A guy is walking down the street, sees a beautiful woman with a very short skirt, approaches her and says, “My god, you’re hot!!! I’ve GOT to make it with you! I can’t help myself, and no matter what, I’ve GOT to have you!”
    The woman is very shocked and asks him, “What!? HERE? In the middle of the street!?”
    The guy answers, “I’ve got to have you now! So I’ll make you an offer. I’ll drop $500 on the sidewalk and, while you’re picking it up, I will do everything I want. OK?”
    The lady seems to be in intense thought. Then she calls her friend. She tells her friend the story, looking for some advice. The friend says, “It’s no big problem. When he drops the money, you pick up the $500 fast, and he won’t even have time to get his fireman out of his pants before you finish picking it up. Just take the money and run!”
    The next day, the friend sees the woman walking like an old woman. The friend asks, “What happened to you!?”
    The woman answers nervously, “That son-of-a-bitch dropped $500 in quarters!”

  • JeffDunhamLover May 23, 2014, 11:51 pm

    We MUST get Jeff Dunham on here to get HIS coments i would end up pissing myself with laughter…

  • Pweedy Sasha May 24, 2014, 5:20 pm

    Soooooooo funny!!!!! Marry me Stephen??!!!!

  • Agatha May 28, 2014, 11:10 pm

    A guy dials home from work. A strange woman answers.
    The guy says, “Who is this?”
    “This is the maid.” answered the woman.
    “We don’t have a maid!”
    “I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house.”
    “Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”
    “Ummm…she’s upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just
    figured was her husband.”
    The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, “Listen, would you
    like to make $50,000?”
    “Sure, what do I have to do?”
    “Get the shotgun out of the hall closet, go upstairs and shoot
    that unfaithful witch and the jerk she’s with.”
    The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed
    by a couple of gunshots.
    The maid comes back to the phone. “What should I do with the
    bodies?”
    “Throw them in the swimming pool!”
    “What pool?”
    “Uh…is this 555-4821?”

  • Lebron kheili July 4, 2014, 5:00 pm

    That was some funny sh*t i cnt stop lmfao

  • John July 10, 2014, 4:07 am

    Amazing and Hilarious..!!!

  • Din July 14, 2014, 1:42 pm

    Lol lmao

  • Nicholas July 20, 2014, 8:52 pm

    This is nice site for comfort

  • Vipin July 21, 2014, 3:05 am

    Too good guyzzz!!! Love it….. Uffffff!!!

  • Sam August 27, 2014, 5:37 pm

    Good ones guys…

  • aLICIA September 4, 2014, 7:06 am

    awesome jokes

  • Geetha October 1, 2014, 3:57 pm

    Awesome !!! Loved it…

  • Jarome October 5, 2014, 5:27 pm

    Ur jokes realy rock

  • Victoria October 5, 2014, 5:40 pm

    Nice jokes, can’t just stop laughing my ass aot…lwkm men

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