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Funny Jokes for Adults

First Condom:

“I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”

o O o

New York Bar:

Frank was getting ready to go on a trip to New York for the first time, and was talking to his friend Bill.

Bill: “While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to. When you walk through the front door, you are handed a free drink. Then you can go to the back room and get laid. Come back up to the bar, and you get another free drink. Then you can get laid again. It goes on like this all night.”

Frank: “That sounds unbelievable. Have you really been there?”
Bill: “No, but my sister has.”

o O o

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course”, says the man proudly.

The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”

o O o

“My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’

I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”

o O o

An American businessman is entertaining some overseas business guests on the golf course.

The first guest, who is from Italy, tees off and hits a good shot 200 yards down the fairway. As the American businessman knows a small amount of Italian he says: “Buon tiro”, which means “Good shot”. The Italian businessman replies: “Grazie”.

The second guest, who is from France, tees off and hits a fantastic shot that lands on the green thirty feet from the hole. As the American businessman knows a small amount of French he says: “Tir fantastique”, which means “Fantastic shot”. The French businessman replies: “Merci”.

The third guest, who is from Japan, tees off and amazingly the ball goes straight in the hole, a hole in one! The American businessman doesn’t know many Japanese words or phrases but when he dated a Japanese girl during his overseas business trips she used to moan when he made love to her and she would shout out “Ura-ana, ura-ana”, and which he repeats to his Japanese guest. The Japanese businessman replies: “What do you mean, wrong hole?”

o O o

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs. In her 20′s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm. In her 30′s to 40′s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”

“Onions?”

“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?”

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20′s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30′s and 40′s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50′s, it is like a Christmas Tree.”
“A Christmas tree?”

“Yes – the root’s dead and the balls are just for decoration.”

o O o

Here is a really good one, by ‘Imsofunny’, comment #130:

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

Mike asks if Mars has a stock-market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. “Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen.

“Pretty much the way you do,” responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

I don’t think this is going to work,” says Maureen. “Why?” he asks, “What’s the matter?” “Well,” she replies, “It’s just not long enough to reach me!”

“No problem,” he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long.

“Well,” she says, “That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow…”

“No problem,” he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

“Wow!” she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks “Well, was it any good?” “I hate to say it,” says Maureen, “but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?”

“It was horrible,” he replies. “All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.”

{ 210 comments… add one }
  • Adeola October 8, 2013, 7:11 am

    This site is awesome.

  • Dalton October 10, 2013, 2:57 pm

    I love the first condom joke anyone wanna sell me some.

  • Nhlaiks October 13, 2013, 4:03 pm

    It’s bravo, lol I’m enjoying it. Keep it up.

  • Selveen deo October 15, 2013, 10:38 pm

    Nice jokes

  • Imsofunny November 10, 2013, 9:27 pm

    The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
    Mike asks if Mars has a stock-market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
    Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. “Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen.
    “Pretty much the way you do,” responds the Martian.
    Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
    I don’t think this is going to work,” says Maureen. “Why?” he asks, “What’s the matter?” “Well,” she replies, “It’s just not long enough to reach me!”
    “No problem,” he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long.
    “Well,” she says, “That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow….”
    “No problem,” he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
    “Wow!” she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
    The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks “Well, was it any good?” “I hate to say it,” says Maureen, “but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?”
    “It was horrible,” he replies. “All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.”

  • Stephen November 11, 2013, 10:42 am

    That one is so funny ‘Imsofunny’ 😎

  • Kj November 12, 2013, 9:27 am

    Very sexy.

  • Bongs November 15, 2013, 12:13 pm

    Stevie! You and your crew rocks

  • Tawaz November 20, 2013, 7:18 am

    8 things you’ll never hear a man say:
    8) Here honey, you use the remote.
    7) You know, I’d like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
    6) Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That’s one movie I gotta see!
    5) While I’m up, can I get you anything?
    4) Sex isn’t that important, sometimes I just want to be held.
    3) Aww, forget Monday night football, let’s watch Melrose Place.
    2) Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
    1) We never talk anymore.
    8 things you’ll never hear a woman say:
    8) What do you mean today’s our anniversary?
    7) Can we not talk to each other tonight? I’d rather just watch TV.
    6) Ohh, this diamond is way too big!
    5) Can our relationship get a little more physical? I’m tired of being ‘just friends’.
    4) Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
    3) Aww, don’t stop for directions, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out how to get there.
    2) I don’t care if it’s on sale, 300 dollars is way to much for a designer dress.
    1) Hey, pull my finger!

  • PJ November 20, 2013, 12:17 pm

    Cool

  • Muhammad sagir November 23, 2013, 12:55 pm

    OMG…. I can’t stop laughing.

  • Renee November 24, 2013, 1:08 pm

    King Solomon was extremely possessive of his wife. So, once before going out of his country on a war, he gave his wife a chastity belt (a belt with metal teeth in front of the vag*na) to secure his beautiful wife from his lusty courtiers.
    Upon his return from the war, he called his courtiers and made them strip. All of them had their pen*ses cut off, except one, Arno. So the emperor declared Arno as a model of virtue and asked him what would he like as a reward… but Arno couldn’t speak!?

  • Solky December 10, 2013, 3:50 pm

    Hahaha wow lol
    Ya these jokes are great. Must made my night and forget all my problems.

  • Silvester muhlhaus December 14, 2013, 1:41 pm

    A man is very proud of the fact that his wife has made him five children so he starts calling her ‘mother of five’. One night when they were at dinner at another couples house he joked her by asking, “Can you please pass me the ketchup mother of five? So she replied, “Yes, here father of three.”

  • Reagan December 19, 2013, 3:43 am

    Love your jokes.

  • Vegrl verm December 21, 2013, 1:21 pm

    Q: Why do women like to have sex with lights off?
    A: Because they can’t stand to see man having a good time.
    Q: What do women and phones have in common?
    Q: Both are charged at night.

  • Samuel December 22, 2013, 9:31 am

    That is sweet.

  • Jeff December 25, 2013, 11:27 am

    Nice ones. All my ribz are already cracked up…

  • Shadea December 26, 2013, 10:21 am

    I love these jokes they are f*cking funny bye guys.

  • Manuel December 27, 2013, 12:20 pm

    This is a very true story, happened to me during my bachelor days…
    I sent a msg to my classmate asking her: Hi If I have to give u a ring when and what tym is better?
    And she sent a msg back saying: I will meet u by 1pm at ice cream palour…
    I went to meet her and spoke to her for an hour and then suddenly and shyly she asked, “Where is my ring?”
    Ohhhh.. I meant a Call… and not a Ring.

  • Sasha January 2, 2014, 4:44 am

    lolest… Steve you such a bad ass… LMFAO

  • Bill419 January 7, 2014, 2:29 pm

    Two old ladies standing at the bus stop smoking a cigarette in the rain. One old lady is really old fashioned. The other old lady takes a condom out of her purse, cuts the tip of it off and slides it over her cigarette.
    Other old lady intrigued, asked what she had. The lady responds, “It’s a rain coat for my cigarette. You can get them at your drug store.” So the old lady did just that. She walked into the drug store and asks clerk to point her in the direction of the condoms. The clerk points her to them. About twenty minutes go by and the old lady is still looking at the condoms so the clerk walks up to lady and says, “Ma’am I see your looking for a condom, umm what size are you looking for?”
    The lady replies, “I need one to fit a camel!!!”
    My grandmother told me that joke!! lol

  • Bad Boy January 10, 2014, 8:19 am

    A: Do you know What is ” % “?
    B: It’s the boobs’ situation when women seat the belt 😉

  • Mark January 17, 2014, 12:08 am

    I have read some good jokes in my life… but hey these are all really good. Very funny!

  • Monty January 17, 2014, 6:21 am

    Hahahahahhaa

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