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Funny Blonde Jokes

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all die. In order to get into heaven though, they must go up 100 steps, each containing a joke. The trick is that they must not laugh.

The brunette goes first and laughs at the first step and is sent to hell. The redhead goes next and makes it to the seventh step before she laughs.

Finally, it’s the blondes turn. She gets all the way to the 99th step before she laughs. God asks her, “You were so close, why did you laugh?” and she responds, “I just got the first joke!”

A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked.

“How much for these shoes?” – she asked the store manager.
“$200” – he replied.

“That’s too expensive! Can’t you bring the price down?” – the blonde.

The store manager said he couldn’t, and got irritated when the blonde persisted.

Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, “There’s a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don’t you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?!” – he yelled.

“Fine. I will.” – the blonde replied.

After an hour, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her.

When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones.
Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed “Oh my gosh! This one doesn’t have any shoes either!”

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER!”

“NO!” the blonde yelled back, “IT’S A SCARF!”

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed?
A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.

A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o’clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn’t jump, and the redhead replied, “I’ll take that bet!”

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, “I can’t take this, you’re my friend.” The blonde said, “No. A bet’s a bet.”

So the redhead said, “Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o’clock news, so I can’t take your money.”

The blonde replied, “Well, so did I, but I never thought he’d jump again!”

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.”

“We don’t have any,” replied the first blonde.

“Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses,” said the Game Warden.

“But officer,” replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.”

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. “Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden. “Take all the debris you want.” And with that, he left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. “What a dumb Fish Cop,” the second blonde said to the other two. “Doesn’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?”

A blond was going to get her hair layered at the salon with headphones on. The lady at the salon said to take the headphones off.

The blond said ” No way, I would die if I did”.

The lady said “Whatever” and did her work.

Then the lady took the headphones off thinking it wouldn’t matter if she did. The blond dropped dead. The salon lady heard the headphones saying “breath in, now breath out” repeatedly.

One day a blonde felt like being a rebel, so she decided that she would drink and drive.

She found a cop car in the parking lot of a donut shop, so she started to drive around, circling the cop car.

After about 10 minutes of driving round and round she got fed up, so she parked the car, got out and walked over to the cop car, looked at the cop and said, “Aren’t you going to arrest me?”

The cop asked, “why?”

She replied, “Cause I was drinking and driving!”

The cop looked at her in bewilderment and answered, “We can’t arrest you if you’re driving while drinking… water!”

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What’s up?” he says. “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

“You rotten bastard”, says the husband, “my wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!!!”

{ 90 comments… add one }
  • Destiny February 22, 2015, 2:06 pm

    Haha these are really funny…

  • Kielea March 11, 2015, 7:17 pm

    I don’t really like how everyone is making fun of blondes like there are other colors out there! I’m a blonde but we’re not this stupid everyone thinks so though. If u think making fun of blondes is cool maybe I should make fun of u because ur tall or short! It’s hair people I’m a really smart BLONDE!

  • Ninja March 25, 2015, 3:16 am

    Y did u come on the site then

  • Maya March 27, 2015, 6:02 pm

    @Kielea Oh. My. GOSH! Are u kidding? It’s a joke. That is why ITS CALLED A JOKE. Chill. I’m a Mexican and do u know how many people tell jokes about Mexicans? A lot. And guess what. I don’t care. I think jokes about Mexicans are funny. And just because I’m Mexican doesn’t automatically mean I speak Spanish or am in love with beans (hahaha that is one of the most hilarious stereotypes). Maybe, you should use your smart brain if u insist your not stupid like the stereotype wich I believe that nobody actually thinks blondes are. Hey! Maybe their jealous of u. U never know. They probably have nothing better to do then pretend their better than everyone. I’ve always been jealous of blondes. U are beautiful and smart. You just have to ignore the fact that others may make fun of u. Just ignore them. Believe in yourself.

  • Kavya April 10, 2015, 6:16 pm

    Kielea, don’t worry about these jokes and just laugh at them. Blondes are smart. My best friend is a blonde and she is smarter than me. I am a brunette and i wish i was a blonde because u r so beautiful and smart. Just chill, bud. Life’s too short so keep smiling.

  • Gareth Lee April 17, 2015, 7:58 am

    Blondie’s ain’t stupid @ kielea.
    All des are said for d fun of it.

  • Gayle April 20, 2015, 1:19 pm

    I don’t mean to be rude Kielea but CONGRADULATIONS on getting four comments in your honor because you have a problem with some jokes about your hair color. Just because they are blonde jokes doesn’t mean they’re about you. Again. They’re JOKES! Just chill ya armadilla. Okay? Why would you even be in a “BLONDE JOKES” site if you hate them so much? You like attention. That’s all!

  • Phoenyx April 24, 2015, 1:15 pm

    Wo these are just jokes. We say these things sometimes because we are jealous.:D
    Anyways i was born blonde and a lot of my friends and teachers are blonde. just laugh!!

  • Kendall May 7, 2015, 11:31 am

    Y’all are hilarious. More please

  • Juicy j May 7, 2015, 1:09 pm

    So funny =)

  • Greyson A June 3, 2015, 9:26 am

    Why couldn’t a blonde add 10 and 9 on a calculator
    – because she couldn’t find the 10 button

  • Kate July 1, 2018, 8:47 pm

    Why did the blonde pee in the grocery store?
    Because the sign said, “wet floor”

  • Love November 14, 2018, 2:33 pm

    A blonde leaves a store with a creamy dab on her lip.When the seller said to her’come again’she said nah its tothpaste

  • YaBoi January 7, 2019, 10:19 am

    I like chicken! (::)

  • Monster Mia December 29, 2020, 10:27 am

    One time 19 blondes were on a rope tied to a helicopter. There was also one red head. When they all realized that the rope was about to break, they knew they had to push someone off. When they all were discussing who should get off, the red head said a fantastic speech, and ended with the words, I’ll get off. Then all the blondes clapped their hands, problem solved.

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