Describing his teacher to his mother, Jimmy called her “mean but fair.”
“Just what do you mean by that?” – his mother asked.
“She is mean to everybody.” – Jimmy replied.
Pupil (on phone): My son has a bad cold and won’t be able to come to school today.
School Secretary: Who is this?
Pupil: This is my father speaking!
Mother: How do you like your new teacher?
Son: I don’t. She told me to sit up the front for the present and then she didn’t give me one!
Son: I can’t go to school today.
Father: Why not?
Son: I don’t feel well
Father: Where don’t you feel well?
Son: In school!
Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn’t you?
Pupil: Not very much!
“Johnny, where’s your homework?” Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.
“My dog ate it,” was his solemn response.
“Johnny, I’ve been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?”
“It’s true, Miss Martin, I swear it is,” insisted Johnny. “I had to smear it with honey, but I finally got him to eat it.”
What would happen if you took the school bus home?
The police would make you bring it back!
A teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”
Pupil: I don’t think I deserved zero on this test!
Teacher: I agree, but that’s the lowest mark I could give you!
The little boy wasn’t getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised.
He tapped her on the shoulder and said…. “I don’t want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don’t get better grades….. somebody is going to get a spanking…”
Teacher: How can you make so many mistakes in just one day?
Pupil: I get up early!
“An abstract noun,” the teacher said, “is something you can think of, but you can’t touch it. Can you give me an example of one?”
“Sure,” a teenage boy replied. “My father’s new car.”
Teacher: I told you to stand at the end of the line?
Pupil: I tried, but there was someone already there!
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write – and they won’t let me talk!”
Teacher: “Isn’t it remarkable how quickly the kids learn to drive the car?”
Parent: “Yes, especially considering how slowly they catch on to running the lawnmower and vacuum cleaner.”
Teacher: You aren’t paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?
Pupil: No, teacher I’m having trouble listening!
The new family in the neighborhood overslept and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus.
The father, though late for work himself, had to drive her. Since he did not know the way, he said that she would have to direct him to the school.
They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes – but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home.
The father, much annoyed, asked his daughter why she’d led him around in such a circle.
The child explained, “That’s the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It’s the only way I know.”
Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning.
Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!
College student: “Hey, Dad! I’ve got some great news for you!”
Father: “What, son?”
College student: “Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean’s list?”
Father: “I certainly do.”
College student: “Well, you get to keep it.”
Teacher: Why can’t you ever answer any of my questions?
Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn’t be much point in me being here!
Father: How do you like going to school?
Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit too, but I’m not too keen on the time in-between!
Student: Can you hold on to my wallet for me while we take the exam? There may or may not be money in it.
Teacher: I can’t be bought!
Student: Yes, but can you be rented for a little while?
Teacher: Why are you late?
Webster: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Webster: The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”
Teacher: Cindy, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
Cindy: You told me to do it without using tables!
“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up.” said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.”Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” enquired the teacher with a sneer.
“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”
A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.”
The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”The little girl replied, “My homework.”
“Isn’t the principal a dummy!” said a boy to a girl.
“Well, do you know who I am?” asked the girl.
“No.” replied the boy.
“I’m the principal’s daughter.” said the girl.
“And do you know who I am?” asked the boy
“No,” she replied.
“Thank goodness!” said the boy with a sign of relief.
Teacher asked George: how can you prove the earth is round?
George replied: I can’t. Besides, I never said it was.
Q: Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?
A: Because his class was so bright!
Q: Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed?
A: She couldn’t control her pupils!
Q: How is an English teacher like a judge?
A: They both give out sentences.
Q: Teacher: If I had 6 oranges in one hand and 7 apples in the other, what would I have?
A: Student: Big hands!
Q: Teacher: If you got $20 from 5 people, what you get?
A: Student: A new bike.
Q: Teacher: I hope I didn’t see you looking at John’s exam?
A: Student: I hope you didn’t either.
Q: Teacher: What is the shortest month?
A: Student: May, it only has three letters.
Q: Why did the teacher write on the window?
A: Because she wanted the lesson to be very clear!