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42 Funny One Liner Jokes

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes.

o O o

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

o O o

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

o O o

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

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What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.

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A day without sunshine is like, night.

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Born free, taxed to death.

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For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.

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A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

o O o

What is faster Hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.

o O o

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

o O o

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
o O o

What’s the difference between a paycheck and a pen*s? You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
o O o

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
o O o

Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
o O o

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
o O o

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
o O o

I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
o O o

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
o O o

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
o O o

Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.
o O o

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.
o O o

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
o O o

My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company…
o O o

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
o O o

Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.
o O o

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
o O o

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
o O o

I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.
o O o

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got.
o O o

I can handle pain until it hurts.
o O o

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
o O o

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
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You cannot taste me, until you undress me. -Banana
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You cannot eat me unless you lick me. -Ice-cream
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You cannot play with me unless you blow me. -Balloon
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You cannot eat me unless you spread me. -Butter
o O o

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
o O o

A day without smiling is a day wasted.
o O o

Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much more for them.
o O o

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

{ 59 comments… add one }
  • Nia Sharma January 2, 2014, 1:01 pm

    Looveee emmm all

  • Aditi January 5, 2014, 9:15 am

    Q. What is an elephant’s favorite no.?
    A. Ate!
    Q. What does the cobbler say to the cat when the cat enters his shop?
    A. Shoe!

  • Kai A L G K G January 6, 2014, 7:12 pm

    A careers advisor went to a school and asked a student, “What do you want to do when you leave here?”
    The student replied, “A gynecologist or a train driver.” The career advisor was so baffled by this that she said, “Train driver and gynecologist? That’s quite a gap, don’t you think?” By That the student replied, “Well… at the end of the day… I guess I just like tunnels.”

  • Elizabeth Clemens January 16, 2014, 3:45 pm

    A man went to the hospital to see his uncle. He told the nurse that he came to see his uncle that had been ran over by a steam roller. The nurse says, “Oh yeah! He’s in room 21 – 22 and 23.”

  • Srishaila February 3, 2014, 9:07 pm

    Please up more as I liked it.

  • uperman February 27, 2014, 5:07 am

    What is red and bad for your teeth?
    A brick!

  • Tom Clark March 7, 2014, 6:42 pm

    What’s smoreplay?
    It’s what smurfs do before they smuck.
    What did one tampon say to the other tampon?
    Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches!
    The bartender says…”we don’t serve time travelers in here.”
    A time traveler walks into a bar.

  • Herbielittlerod March 13, 2014, 11:41 am

    I saw your gerbil at the bar last night. He told me to tell you he’s tired of putting up with your sh*t.
    What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

  • TimmiMangaro March 15, 2014, 5:40 pm

    My fake plants died cuz I did not pretend to water them..

  • Dragon97 May 14, 2014, 10:34 am

    what do you get when you cross an Elephant and a Rhino?

  • Joey May 19, 2014, 1:16 pm

    A dislexic man walks into a bra

  • Waters June 3, 2014, 5:37 pm

    I bought a new deodorant stick today. The instructions read: REMOVE WRAPPER AND PUSH UP THE BOTTOM PART.” I can hardly walk now, but whenever I fart, the room smells divine.

  • Nemo June 8, 2014, 5:46 pm

    What happened to the funny guy that accidentally took v*agra instead of his daily vitamins? He became a “STAND UP COMEDIAN”

  • Dave June 26, 2014, 1:59 pm

    Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
    He heard the referee was blowing fouls

  • Milad July 23, 2014, 9:34 am

    Good job

  • Joey g August 27, 2014, 1:52 pm

    Women should be obscene and not heard.

  • Ukasha salisu November 23, 2014, 2:02 am

    A farmer in d field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200

  • Shane Cobain November 27, 2014, 9:19 pm

    There are too many pets in the neighbourhood. I’ve ran over five just this week, although one didn’t put up much of a chase.

  • Shane Cobain November 27, 2014, 9:26 pm

    I want to stop smoking, but I should probably take care of the fire first.

  • Deez nutz April 24, 2015, 10:18 am

    What happens in Chicago when you drop an egg?

  • Ryan May 1, 2015, 11:44 am

    What is the best thing about duct tape?
    It turns “No No No!” into “mmm mmm mmm”

  • dat phunyguy May 17, 2015, 7:13 pm

    Two guys were talking. The one guy asked the other; what’s the definition of a will? The other guy said idk what is it? The other guy said ; come on its a dead giveaway.

  • Baby Tee May 22, 2015, 12:28 pm

    These jokes are good, keep it up

  • Vinayak July 4, 2015, 1:58 pm

    Very very entertaining, Thanks

  • Atozzio Nygaxx July 4, 2015, 5:04 pm

    Hahaha I just had a wet dream of twerking hyenas

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