A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s surgery.
“Why is your stomach so big?” – he asks.
“I´m having a baby.” – she replies.
“Is the baby in your stomach?” – he asks, with his big eyes.
“Yes, it is.” – she says.
“Is it a good baby?” – he asks, with a puzzled look.
“Oh, yes. A really good baby.” – the lady replies.
Shocked and surprised, he asks: “Then why did you eat him?”
A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!”
The doctor replied, “Show me.”
So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again.
She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.” He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.
She opened it, slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”
A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.
“Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”
“Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: “So, Seamus, how was your day?”
Seamus told him that he took care of three patients.
“The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”
“Bravo, and the second one?” – asks the doctor.
“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.” – says Seamus.
“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” – asks the doctor.
“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!”
“Thunderin’ Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do?” – asks the doctor.
“I put drops in her eyes.” !!!!!
Customer: Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter: Funny? But then why aren’t you laughing?
Customer: Waiter, there’s a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter: So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
Customer: Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: That’s all right sir, he won’t drink much.
Customer: Waiter, there’s a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter: Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.
Lady: Is this my train?
Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady: Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.
Station Master: No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy.
Teacher: What is the difference between lightning and electricity?
Alexander: I know – you do not have to pay for lightning.
A mother takes her three son’s to enroll in school. The teacher asks.
Teacher: What are your son’s names?
Lady: This boy’s name is Leroy, this other boy’s name is Leroy, and Leroy here is my third son’s name.
Teacher: Isn’t it confusing having all three boy’s named the same?
Lady: Oh no, you see when it’s time for lunch I just holler out the door, Leroy! it’s time for lunch, and they all come a runnin. When it’s time for dinner I just holler out the door, Leroy! it’s time for dinner and they all come a runnin.
Teacher: Ok, so what do you do when you want a specific boy?
Lady: Oh, well then I just holler out their last name.
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what’s your problem?”
Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!”
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: “What is 3×3?”
Principal: “What is 6×6?”
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”
Ms Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: “Pockets.”
Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Ms. Brooks: “What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?”
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”
The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”
Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”
Harry: “Shake hands.”
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?”
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong…”
this is a long joke but its not bad
Jerry: “I’ve eaten beef all my life and now I’m as strong as a bull.”
Paul: “That is queer. I’ve eaten fish all my life and yet I can’t swim a stroke.”
A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide right away. The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, “I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license. They’ll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well, now. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
Really amazing jokes.
I got a joke:
A boy got a miss call. He went to school and asked his teacher: “Miss why did you send me a call?”
Teacher: “I didn’t.”
Boy: “Well my phone says I got a miss call.”
A Chinese man rings his boss, “Me no work I sick.”
Boss says, “When I’m sick, I make love with my wife. Try that.”
Two hours later the Chinese man rings back, “Me better, you got nice house.”
It’s too funny stories..
The class teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an E.
One boy says: “Elephant.”
Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a T.
The same boys says: “Two elephants.”
The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behaviuor. After that she asks for an animal beginning with M.
The boy shouts from the other side of the door: “Maybe an elephant!”
Submitted by Nmg over at funny stories.
Two kids talking:
Polly: “Does your grandmother read the Bible?”
Elaine: “Sure does. Day and night.”
Polly: “But why does she read it so much?”
Elaine: “I guess she’s cramming for her finals.”
I feel great while reading……… no tension, no pain 🙂
Love it. Liked and shared!
Very funny!!! Nice jokes 🙂
Hahaha! Great jokes
I am freaked out lol
Read this, it’s funny.
A teacher asked a student, “Do you know the alphabet?”
The kid said no so the teacher said, “Well, tomorrow you gonna have to say the alphabet to me.”
The kid went home and asked his mom, “Mom, what’s the 1st letter of the alphabet?” His mom responded, “Sshhh I’m on the phone.”
The kid asked his dad, “Dad, what is the 2nd letter of the alphabet?” His dad said, “Yes!”
He then asked his sister, “What’s the 3rd letter of the alphabet?” She said, “Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson.”
He then asked his little brother, “Bro, what’s the 4th letter of the alphabet?” The little brother said, “Driving in my bruum bruum car. Driving in my broom broom car.”
The next day, the kid met the teacher, she asked, “What’s the 1st letter of the alphabet?”
The kid answered, “Sshhh, I’m on the phone.”
The teacher got angry and said, “Do you want to go to the principal office?
The kid responded, “Yes!”
The teacher said, “Who do you think you are?”
The kid said, “Michael Jackson.”
The teacher said, “How do you think you are going to get away with this…”
The kid said, “Driving in my bruum bruum car driving in my broom broom car.”
Hope u enjoy ……. 🙂
Great !!! lol
Read these wonderful jokes people. I have been loving for the last two days. These are hilarious.
It was really amazing friends. I enjoyed a lot, thank you very much.
Teacher: “Johnny, why are you late?”
Johnny: “Sir, because of a sign.”
Teacher: “What sign?”
Johnny: “A sign that said ‘Go Slowly, School Ahead’.”
Haha I’m enjoying it….
Wow amazing jokes love them soooo much !!! Put more on people please ! I have no jokes at alll how boring I am.
Read this, it is a really good joke:
So there are three boys called: Shut Up, Manners, and Poo. Poo goes to the well to collect some water but he felt in the well.
Manners goes to the well to try to help Poo out, while Shut Up goes to the police station to get help.
Police: “What is your name?”
Shut Up: “Shut up.”
Police: “Where is your manner?”
Shut Up: “Down the well picking up Poo.”