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Really Funny Jokes

A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s surgery.

“Why is your stomach so big?” – he asks.
“I´m having a baby.” – she replies.

“Is the baby in your stomach?” – he asks, with his big eyes.
“Yes, it is.” – she says.
“Is it a good baby?” – he asks, with a puzzled look.
“Oh, yes. A really good baby.” – the lady replies.
Shocked and surprised, he asks: “Then why did you eat him?”

A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!”
The doctor replied, “Show me.”

So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again.

She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.” He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.

She opened it, slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”

A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

“Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”

“Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: “So, Seamus, how was your day?”

Seamus told him that he took care of three patients.

“The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”

“Bravo, and the second one?” – asks the doctor.

“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.” – says Seamus.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” – asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!”

“Thunderin’ Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do?” – asks the doctor.

“I put drops in her eyes.” !!!!!

Customer: Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter: Funny? But then why aren’t you laughing?

Customer: Waiter, there’s a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter: So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

Customer: Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: That’s all right sir, he won’t drink much.

Customer: Waiter, there’s a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter: Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.

Lady: Is this my train?
Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady: Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.
Station Master: No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy.

{ 286 comments… add one }
  • Mary Jane Pilapil March 22, 2013, 12:39 am

    I like it so much… love these funny jokes…

  • Saravanan March 22, 2013, 6:29 am

    Nice jokes

  • Carolina March 22, 2013, 4:38 pm

    Wow you guys are really good :d

  • Nataua March 24, 2013, 1:36 am

    Hey! Nice jokes. Keep it up guys, good luck.

  • Perry March 24, 2013, 5:43 am

    A little boy asked Santa Clause for Christmas, “Give me a brother.”
    Santa clause answered back, “Give me your mother.”

  • Sheetal March 24, 2013, 12:40 pm

    Some were, some were not.

  • Nazai March 24, 2013, 3:16 pm

    Q: What are the best slippers
    A: Banana peels!

  • Riya March 25, 2013, 9:46 am

    After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she had been stood up. She changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV.
    No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV then her doorbell rang. There stood her date. He took one look at her and gasped, “I’m two hours late… and you’re still not ready!?”
    😀

  • Dann Ratu March 25, 2013, 5:10 pm

    I think these jokes are so funny…when I’m stress I alwayz search for this, just to make me relax…

  • Shanna March 27, 2013, 4:47 pm

    Nice jokes everyone!!!

  • RC March 27, 2013, 5:42 pm

    This is funny:
    One day, Max and Bob were watching a soap opera on television. On the show, there was a girl standing on a bridge. Max turned to Bob and said, “I bet you $5 that she’s going to jump off that bridge.”
    Bob agreed to the bet. The girl in the show jumped off the bridge, and Bob handed Max the $5. Then Max felt guilty and said, “This is a re-run I already saw, I knew she was going to jump.” To which Bob replied, “I saw it before too, but I didn’t think the girl would be stupid enough to do it again!”

  • Wolf Queen of Dark March 28, 2013, 2:16 pm

    Here’s a joke everyone.
    Q. What is the diffrence between a dog and a woman?
    A. If you put a dog and a woman in a car’s trunk for 3 hours and you open the trunk, the dog will still be happy to see you.

  • Elizabeth Ally March 29, 2013, 7:44 am

    These jokes are wonderful, keep it up guys.

  • Elizabeth Ally March 29, 2013, 8:02 am

    Here is a conversation between Blumstead and his boss.
    Boss: Listen carefully, Blumstead….. you need to start doubling down on your efforts in this office.
    Blunstead: Will do, boss.
    Boss: Good! Then why are you still standing here?
    Blumstead: I’m on it boss!
    Blumstead’s friend: What’s up, dag?
    Blumstead: Hang on, I’m about to double down on a pair of eights.

  • Dunculz March 29, 2013, 6:15 pm

    Two little boys stole a big bag of orange from their neighbour & decided to go to a calm place to share the loot equally, one of them suggested the near by cemetery.
    As they were jumping the big gate to enter the cemetery, 2 oranges fell out of the bag behind the gate but they didn’t bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.
    A few minuets later a drunkard on his way from a bar passes near the cemetery gate and heard a voice saying: “One for me, one for u. One for me, one for u.” he immediately sobers up and runs as fast as he can to the church near by for a priest.
    “Father please come with me, come and witness God & Satan sharing corpse at the cemetery.” They both ran back to the cemetery gate and the voice continued: “One for me, one for u, one for me, one for u…”
    Suddenly the voice stopped counting and says: “What about the two at the gate?”
    Omg come see the marathon, the priest almost run pass the gate, shouting we are not dead yet…!

  • Chung Men Xhoe March 30, 2013, 12:23 pm

    One day, a stranger asked a little girl to climb up and down a tree. After the little girl climbed up and down the stranger gave her some candies.
    The girl went home, she told her mother about the stranger. Her mother spoke angrily to her and told her that the stranger just wanted to see her underwear under the dress.
    The second day, it happened the same thing and the stranger gave her 100$.
    Again she told her mother. Her mother yelled loudly at her for again climbing the tree. The little girl said, “Don’t worry, I didn’t wear one under my dress….”
    The mother fainted.

  • Memamo March 31, 2013, 2:36 pm

    What did the old chimney say to the young chimney?
    You are too young to smoke.

  • Lillie April 2, 2013, 5:48 am

    Why did the one handed chicken cross the road? To get to the second hand shop.

  • Abongile April 3, 2013, 4:11 pm

    Just a Tip of all times:
    Guys if you feel that time doesn’t wait for you, don’t worry, just remove the battery from the clock, that helps.
    I hope you’ll do that 😉

  • AnieD April 4, 2013, 12:16 pm

    Two guys sitting at the bar. One guy yells at the other, “I slept with your mom.” People at the bar grow silent. After a while, the guy yells again, “I slept with your mom again.” The other guy responds, “Let’s go home dad, you are drunk.”

  • Danny April 4, 2013, 12:37 pm

    It is nice joke.

  • Hassan April 5, 2013, 5:15 am

    Two couples making a new password on their new computer. The man suggested the password to be “my pen*s”. The wife busted out with tears of laughing because the computer responded, “too short.”

  • Rain Forest April 5, 2013, 6:27 am

    What do you call an alligator that has a fever?
    An ill-igator.

  • Savanah April 5, 2013, 8:22 am

    Haha these were really funny. I almost died laughing. And I am in class which makes it worse.

  • Myron April 5, 2013, 1:48 pm

    Joke: I went to a newly built swimming pool. As I entred the man at the counter said donation please. I gave him a glass of water.

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