Funny Dirty Jokes

by Stephen on March 21, 2013 · 92 comments

in Jokes

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled.

At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”

Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”

One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.

“What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer.

“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”

The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”

The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”

The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”

I had a visitor one night… he explored my body… licked, sucked, swallowed & had his fill… when satisfied he left… I was hurt… Damn mosquito!!!

Teacher and her 3 boy students:

Teacher: “Why did you laugh?”
Boy 1: “I saw a strap of your bra.”
Teacher: “You are punished to stay out of school for one week.”

Boy 2 laughed…
Teacher: “Why did you laugh?”
Boy 2: “I saw your bra straps.”
Teacher: “You are punished to stay out of school for one month.”

Teacher bent down to pickup a chalk. Boy 3 started walking out of the class…
Teacher: “Why are you leaving?”
Boy 3: “I think my school days are over.”

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter. He asks the man, “Where did you get such a big lighter?”

The man replies,”See that man playing piano over there? He’s a genie and he’ll grant you one wish.”

So the guy walks over to the genie and says, “I wish for a million bucks.” All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks.

The man walks over to the guy with the lighter and says, “That genie is a little hard of hearing isn’t he.”

The guy replies, “No kidding! You think I asked for a 14 inch Bic!”

A little boy goes to school but bringing in a cat with him. Teacher asks him “why did you bring your cat to school?”

The little boy replies, “Well, I heard my daddy telling mommy when the kids leave I’m gonna eat that pu**y up.”

Girl: Baby I am wet.
Boy: Want a paper towel?
Girl: No, I want more than that 😉
Boy: Want 2 paper towels?
Girl: No, baby I want sumthing big and round 😉
Boy: Damn you want the whole roll?

Mom: If a boy touches your b**bs, say “Don’t” and if he touches your pu**y say “Stop”.
Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said “Don’t Stop”.

A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. The cashier asks, “Do you want a bag?”
The guy says, “No. She’s not that ugly.”

Boy: Let’s play the firetruck game.
Girl: How do we play?
Boy: I run my fingers up your leg, and you say “Redlight” when you want me to stop.
Girl: Okay :)
*Few seconds later*
Girl: Redlight!!!
Boy: Firetrucks don’t stop for redlights 😉

Guy: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.
Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.

Q: Who makes more money… a hooker? or a drug dealer?
A: A hooker, because she can wash her crack and sell it again.

Two men were shipwrecked on an island. They decided to venture inland to see if they could find someone. The men came across a village in the middle of a jungle, immediately they were surrounded by a tribe of islanders.

The chief walks to the men and says, ” What do you choose, Death or Boogaloo?” The first man thinks for a second and replies, “I choose Boogaloo”.

The chief smiles and the tribe begins to chant “boogaloo, boogaloo, boogaloo”. The chief takes the man, bends him over and f**ks him up the ***.

The second man is horrified at what he has just witnessed and then the chief walks up to him and asks, “You must choose, Death or Boogaloo”?

The man thinks he would rather die than have boogaloo, so he replies, “I choose death”.

The tribe roars in ecstasy and the chief yells, “Death by boogaloo!!!”

{ 92 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Stephen March 22, 2013 at 7:43 am

Little 6-year old John Smith’s parents felt really horny at 11 AM on Sunday and wanted to make love, but had to get John away for at least one hour. So they told him to go to the balcony and report all activities of their neighbours for the next hour. Being the innocent, dutiful son he was raised to be, he did as he was told.

His parents amused themselves, and then came the formality of the report at 12 PM.

John said “For the past hour, the Wilsons were watching TV, Mr. Cole was playing the piano, the Johnsons were playing carrom together and the Donalds were having sex.”

His parents were shocked! They asked him “How do you know that?” He said “Their son was out on the balcony too.”

2 Stephen March 22, 2013 at 7:47 am

A sexy woman walks up to the counter and motions the bartender over. She starts to run her fingers through his hair and asks to speak to the manager.

The Bartender replies, “Sorry, the manager is out. Can I help you?”

By this time the woman has run her fingers over his face and in his mouth where the horny bartender is gently sucking on them. She says, “You sure he isn’t here?”

The bartender mumbles through her fingers, “Yes, he’s out for another 2 hours. Are you sure there is nothing I can do to help?”

The woman then says, “Oh, I only wanted to tell him there’s no toilet paper or soap in the ladies toilets!”

3 Stephen March 22, 2013 at 7:51 am

A hot looking blonde walks in to a casino and wanders up to one of the craps tables. She looks at the two table handlers and says “I want to bet $25,000 dollars. It’s all the money I have. The only request is that I play topless as I have found that this provides me the most luck at winning.”

The two men agree and watch anxiously as the woman unbuttons her blouse, removes it, and then removes her bra. She puts the money down on the table and rolls the dice. As the dice stop, she starts jumping up and down and screaming, “I WON I WON I WON!” She gathers her winnings puts the chips in her bag, pulls on her shirt and walks out.

The two men at the table look at each other, one asks the other, “So what did she roll?” The other man says, “I thought you where watching?”

4 Stephen March 24, 2013 at 8:54 pm

Q: Why do witches not wear undies?
A: So they get a better grip on the broom.

5 Stephen March 24, 2013 at 8:55 pm

Q: What do you do if your pajamas burst into flames?
A: Slow down.

6 Dann Ratu March 25, 2013 at 5:24 pm

Eww…to much…..but abit funny…..

7 Maud April 2, 2013 at 4:37 pm

The difference between shit and oh shit:

A boy mistakenly sends a love letter to the brother’s girlfriend.
Shit!
Girlfriend’s brother happens to be lesbian.
OH SHIT!!

8 Sshafy2013 April 8, 2013 at 2:54 am

Funny

9 Humphrey wato April 25, 2013 at 11:05 am

One day, Little Johnny overheard his parents fighting. Later, he asked what “bitch” and “bastard” mean. They explained that they mean “lady” and “gentleman.”

The next day, he overheard his parents having sex. He later asked what “pen*s” and “vag*na” mean. His parents explained that they refer to “hats” and “coats.”

At supper the next day, Little Johnny’s mom cut her finger in the kitchen and yelled,”Oh f**k!” Little Johnny asked what that meant, and she said it means “cut.”

A week later, guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. Little Johnny welcomes them at the door, saying, “Hello bitches and bastards! Hurry up with your pen*ses and vag*nas — we can’t wait to f**k the turkey!”

10 Dave April 28, 2013 at 5:19 pm

What happens when a dwarf runs between a girls legs?
He gets a clit around the head and a flap on the face.

11 Aymen045 April 29, 2013 at 10:34 am

Once upon a time there was a mute, he could communicate only with sign language, he searched for a cure to his condition his whole life, until one day he met a guy and was told that he was a mute like him and got cured.

The mute asked him with passion: “What did you do?”
The ex-mute replied: “I went to an African tribe and they cured me.”

The mute: “Please show me where they live.” The ex-mute showed him the location of the tribe and the path to it.

The mute started his journey with all the hope in the world days and days passed until he found the tribe. It was a tribe of Africans and everything was huge about them (if you know what I mean).

He sign told them the issue and they agreed to help. They tethered him with a robe, striped him off his clothes and one men entered his ****.

The mute yelled with all his voice, “AAAAAAAAAA”. The african replied: “Tomorrow will teach you the letter B.”

12 Emmaplies May 1, 2013 at 9:11 am

One day a boy asked his father, “Dad, what is between moms legs?” The father reply, “The door to heaven!”

“Then what is between yours?” – the boy asked. The father said, “The key to the door!” Then the boy said, “I think you should change the lock because our neighbor has the spare key.”

13 Kennedy May 11, 2013 at 7:46 am

A man and his friend went to a bar and started talking. The man says to his friend “I think my wife is cheating on me.”

The friend says, “How do you know?”
The man replies, “She didn’t come home last night and she said she was with her sister Shirley.”
The friend said, “and…..”
The man says, “She is lying because I was with her sister last night.”

LOL!!!!!

14 Austin May 14, 2013 at 8:41 am

Want to hear a word that’s dirty and clean at the same time?
Juice Box

15 Saito May 20, 2013 at 10:03 pm

It’s funny enough to cure stress.

16 Grahm Crackers May 30, 2013 at 8:47 pm

What’s good on pizza but nasty on p*ssy?
Crust.

17 Grahm Crackers May 30, 2013 at 8:51 pm

What did one saggy boob say to the other?
We need to get fixed before people start thinking we are balls.

18 S**** May 31, 2013 at 10:17 pm

Really laughing sexy

19 Amanya Joab June 2, 2013 at 11:03 am

You a really funny, you have really made my evening.

20 Twin#1 June 3, 2013 at 3:53 pm

I really like humphrey wato’s stuff its very funny.

21 Stephen June 7, 2013 at 1:13 pm

Teacher: “Johnny, write a sentence ending with the word hand.”
Johnny: “My penis in your hand.”
Teacher: “What?”
Johnny: “Sorry ma’am, I forgot to put a space between pen is.”

22 HornyBitch June 16, 2013 at 10:02 am

LOL!!!!!!! I get orgasms when I read this for some reasons!!!

23 Ric2 June 16, 2013 at 8:32 pm

Craftfully written.

24 Jyotsna July 14, 2013 at 5:57 am

hahahahahahahahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahha

25 Mrs.horan July 21, 2013 at 12:05 pm

I was horny so I hunt a sheet naked.

26 George July 29, 2013 at 4:44 am

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 a minute.

27 Rhodes July 29, 2013 at 2:11 pm

I laughed my heart out.

28 Renzach August 11, 2013 at 1:33 pm

lol…it’s too funny…and horny!

29 Derp August 25, 2013 at 10:21 am

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.

“I’ve pulled you over for speeding, Ma’am. Could I see your drivers license?” “What’s a license?” replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump. “It’s usually in your wallet,” replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.

“Now may I see your registration?” asked the cop. “Registration….. what’s that….?” asked the blonde. “It’s usually in your glove compartment,” said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. “I’ll be back in a minute.” said the cop and walked back to his car.

The officer called in to the dispatch to run a check on the woman’s license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, “Ummm… is this woman driving a red sports car?” “Yes.” replied the officer “Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?” asked the dispatcher. “Uh… yes.” replied the cop. “Here’s what you do,” said the dispatcher. “Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants.” “What? I can’t do that. It’s… inappropriate.” exclaimed the cop.

“Trust me. Just do it.” said the dispatcher. So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs… “Ohh no… not another breathalyzer…”

30 Weirdo September 3, 2013 at 8:46 pm

A man named Bob hired a teenage boy named Bo to mow his lawn. One day, Bo had to pee so he went inside Bob’s house. Bob walked in on Bo and noticed how big Bo’s p*n*s was. Bob asked how Bo got his p*n*s that big. Bo said “Every night I’m about to sleep with a woman, I whack my d*ck on the bedpost 3 times.” That night Bob decided to try this on his wife that night. Bob hit his d*ck on the bed post 3 times and his wife said “Bo, is that you?”

31 Funny_Chick September 11, 2013 at 10:35 am

What do vegetables watch?
Corn!!

(Get it? C=P)

32 Stephen October 2, 2013 at 10:06 am

Police officer George and woman Police officer Mary and their police dog had been assigned to walk a beat. They had been out only a short time then Mary said, “Damn, I was running late this morning I forgot to put on my panties! It is so uncomfortable. We have to go back to the station to get them.”

“We don’t have to go back,” George replied. “Just give the dog one sniff between your legs, and he’ll go fetch them for you.”

Mary lifted her skirt for the dog. After ten seconds of sniffing, the dog took off toward the station house.

Twenty minutes later they heard sirens. Suddenly the dog rounded the corner with a dozen police cars in pursuit – and the superintendent’s balls in his mouth!

33 Jack October 7, 2013 at 10:29 am

Very funny

34 Pallab October 13, 2013 at 9:51 pm

Awesome+horny jokes. Hats off…!!!

35 Charles Moyo October 18, 2013 at 9:16 am

I like these jokes.

36 Akinyemi Akinboye October 20, 2013 at 3:18 pm

Nice

37 Cawesome October 23, 2013 at 4:43 pm

Soooo funny and some of the other sites I’ve seen have almost the same questions but still funny.

38 Jacob October 25, 2013 at 6:13 am

Nice Jokes.

39 Stranger October 25, 2013 at 12:00 pm

One day a girl was with her mom in the park and saw two teens having s*x on the bench. The little girl asked her mom, “Mommy, what are they doing?”
The mom was blushing and replied, “Oh their making cakes.”
The next day the girl and the mom went to the zoo and saw two monkey having s*x. The little girl asked again, “Mommy, what are they doing?”
Again the mother replied, “Oh their making cakes.”
The next day, the little girl confronted her mom, “Mommy, I know you and daddy we’re making cakes last night.”
The mom was frightened and asked, “How did you know?”
The little girl replied, “I licked the icing off the couch! It was good too!”

40 Alice November 1, 2013 at 3:54 am

One day a girl was staying at her boyfriends parents house. The boyfriend and her had to share the top bunk in his little brothers room. Her boyfriend was really horny so he whispered “Say Marco to go faster and Polo to stop.”

So the boy began to thrust in and out of her. “Marco!” The girl hissed. A dew seconds later she cried “Marco!” After a few minutes of thrusting the girl screamed “MARCO!”

“Can you two stop playing games and go to sleep?” His boyfriends little brother snapped.

41 Brad Wegert November 5, 2013 at 4:08 pm

Yo moma is so fat that she is the reason that Titanic sank.

42 Bree November 19, 2013 at 11:03 am

Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke some weed. Jack got high and pulled down his flied and Jill got wet and pulled up her dress and then they had some fun. But stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son!

43 Eaven November 21, 2013 at 5:58 am

I so funny and horny. I love it, You made my evening so entertained. Thanks.

44 Thabo November 23, 2013 at 11:05 am

Wow

45 Mickella marie November 27, 2013 at 9:34 am

What the f*ck. Some funny sh*t man. Respect.

46 Yolo December 2, 2013 at 6:32 pm

Well they are funny but dirty at the same time :)

47 Yellow December 6, 2013 at 8:24 pm

Funny… thumbs up!

48 Leonard December 10, 2013 at 8:40 am

Funny

49 Sweet venom December 26, 2013 at 9:56 am

Funny you f*ck…. good job guys.

50 Randy December 29, 2013 at 8:48 am

A boy was selected for a wisper ad, he said why should GIRLS HAVE ALL THE FUN…

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