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Funny Dirty Jokes

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled.

At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”
Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”

One night a little girl walks in on her parents having s*x. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.

“What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarrassed to tell her little girl about s*x so she makes up an answer.

“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”

The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”

The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”

The little girl replies, “Because mommy, every time you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”

I had a visitor one night… he explored my body… licked, sucked, swallowed & had his fill… when satisfied he left… I was hurt… Damn mosquito!!!

Teacher and her 3 boy students:

Teacher: “Why did you laugh?”
Boy 1: “I saw a strap of your bra.”

Teacher: “You are punished to stay out of school for one week.”
Boy 2 laughed…

Teacher: “Why did you laugh?”
Boy 2: “I saw your bra straps.”

Teacher: “You are punished to stay out of school for one month.”
Teacher bent down to pickup a chalk. Boy 3 started walking out of the class…

Teacher: “Why are you leaving?”
Boy 3: “I think my school days are over.”

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter. He asks the man, “Where did you get such a big lighter?”

The man replies,”See that man playing piano over there? He’s a genie and he’ll grant you one wish.”

So the guy walks over to the genie and says, “I wish for a million bucks.” All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks.

The man walks over to the guy with the lighter and says, “That genie is a little hard of hearing isn’t he.”

The guy replies, “No kidding! You think I asked for a 14 inch Bic!”

A little boy goes to school but bringing in a cat with him. Teacher asks him “why did you bring your cat to school?”

The little boy replies, “Well, I heard my daddy telling mommy when the kids leave I’m gonna eat that pu**y up.”

Girl: Baby I am wet.
Boy: Want a paper towel?
Girl: No, I want more than that 😉
Boy: Want 2 paper towels?
Girl: No, baby I want sumthing big and round 😉
Boy: Damn you want the whole roll?

Mom: If a boy touches your b**bs, say “Don’t” and if he touches your pu**y say “Stop”.

Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said “Don’t Stop”.

A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. The cashier asks, “Do you want a bag?”

The guy says, “No. She’s not that ugly.”

Boy: Let’s play the firetruck game.
Girl: How do we play?

Boy: I run my fingers up your leg, and you say “Redlight” when you want me to stop.
Girl: Okay 🙂

*Few seconds later*

Girl: Redlight!!!
Boy: Firetrucks don’t stop for redlights 😉

Guy: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.

Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.

Q: Who makes more money… a hooker? or a drug dealer?
A: A hooker, because she can wash her crack and sell it again.

Two men were shipwrecked on an island. They decided to venture inland to see if they could find someone. The men came across a village in the middle of a jungle, immediately they were surrounded by a tribe of islanders.

The chief walks to the men and says, ” What do you choose, Death or Boogaloo?” The first man thinks for a second and replies, “I choose Boogaloo”.

The chief smiles and the tribe begins to chant “boogaloo, boogaloo, boogaloo”. The chief takes the man, bends him over and f**ks him up the ***.

The second man is horrified at what he has just witnessed and then the chief walks up to him and asks, “You must choose, Death or Boogaloo”?

The man thinks he would rather die than have boogaloo, so he replies, “I choose death”.

The tribe roars in ecstasy and the chief yells, “Death by boogaloo!!!”

{ 100 comments… add one }
  • Katherine January 3, 2014, 11:12 pm

    As the woman passed her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, “What in the world are you doing?”
    The daughter replied, “Mom, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.”
    The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, “Dad, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.”
    A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
    The wife asked, “What the hell are you doing?” The husband replied, “I’m watching the ball game with my son-in-law.”

  • Katherine January 3, 2014, 11:17 pm

    1. Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
    2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O’Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
    3. Open a beer and drink it.
    4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
    5. Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
    6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
    7. Place drain pan under engine.
    8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
    9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
    10. Unscrew drain plug.
    11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.
    12. Clean up mess.
    13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
    14. Look for oil filter wrench.
    15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
    16. Beer.
    17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
    18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
    19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step #18.
    20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
    21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
    22. Install new oil filter, making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
    23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
    24. Remember drain plug from step #11.
    25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
    26. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
    27. Drink beer.
    28. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
    29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
    30. Drink beer.
    31. Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
    32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step #31.
    33. Begin cussing fit.
    34. Throw wrench.
    35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992. in the left boob.
    36. Beer.
    37. Clean up hands! and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
    38. Beer.
    39. Beer.
    40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
    41. Beer.
    42. Lower car from jack stands.
    43. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
    44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step #23.
    45. Beer.
    46. Test drive car.
    47. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
    48. Car gets impounded.
    49. Make bail.
    50. Get car from impound yard.
    Money spent: Parts $50.00. DUI 2,500.00. Impound fee 75.00. Bail 1,500.00. Beer 25.00. Total– $4,150.00
    But you know the job was done right!!!

  • Vamsi January 8, 2014, 4:59 am

    Hi all.. Very funnny

  • Anonymous January 8, 2014, 11:05 am

    There was a robbery at a bank and there was a pregnant lady who got shot in the stomach 3 times.
    After the robbery she went to the doctor and asked Doctor will my triplets be okay?! The doctor says yes but in 15 years the bullets will come out.
    FIFTEEN YEARS LATER
    A 15 year old runs up to his mum and says, ”Mum I was pooping and a bullet clinked the side of the toilet.” The mother is confused at first then remembers and tells him the story.
    Later that day another child goes up to mum and says, ”Mum! I was peeing and a bullet came out!” So the mother tells the story.
    The 3rd child comes up very slowly with his head bent down and the mum says, ”Lemme guess you were pooping and a bullet came out?”
    He replies, ”No I was masterbaiting and I shot the dog…”

  • Nicky masiya January 21, 2014, 12:29 am

    Very funny

  • Teba Wim January 24, 2014, 1:33 pm

    Ya this is really funny you made my evening.

  • Matata January 29, 2014, 10:32 pm

    I laughed so hard I crapped myself!

  • J.F. Amin February 20, 2014, 11:14 pm

    So funny it cures stress, you made my day!

  • Yusri February 23, 2014, 5:49 pm

    Funnniest

  • SexyHaremJutsu February 26, 2014, 8:35 pm

    A little girl saw her parent having S*X she asked what are you doing Mother: We’re making your baby brother. Little girl: Why isn’t that the pigeons duty?

  • Anon March 3, 2014, 4:22 am

    Lol!!!

  • Anon March 3, 2014, 7:15 pm

    Sh*t. I loved the jokes, and now I am damn horny. Need my girlfriend.

  • Hotbabe March 21, 2014, 11:21 pm

    I love these jokes! I so want sex right now! I want to feel the heat after reading all these!!!

  • Breanna Gray March 27, 2014, 11:20 am

    These jokes are sooooo fucking funny but I soo love them!!!!!!

  • Looqman Khan Afridi March 28, 2014, 12:39 am

    Unbelievable jokes. I am Pathan by caste.Here people tell very cheeky jokes. But these ones are fantabulous. Now I shall make my friends burst into laughter especially Fazal Said and Zahidullh. What shall I do for your site, I can only only say “A billion thanks” and ” A billion best wishes”

    • Stephen March 29, 2014, 9:22 am

      Hi Looqman! Wow, thank you for your warm comment and for your wishes! Best wishes to you too. Take care!

  • Tom March 31, 2014, 8:09 am

    These jokes make me want to strangle myself while i wank

  • Sexystonerbitch420 April 10, 2014, 8:51 am

    There was a cucumber, a pickle and a pen*s, they’re all talking about how bad there lives are, so the cucumber says, “My life’s so bad people cut me up and stick me in salads.”
    Then the pickle goes, “Are you kidding me my life’s so worse people stick me in vinegar and lock me up.”
    So the pen*s goes, “You guys have it easy. People put a bag over my head, stick me in this tiny cave and bangs my head against the wall until I throw up.”

  • Jhon April 10, 2014, 2:08 pm

    So two jews walk into a bar… They say ”OW!!!” lol

  • Renee April 19, 2014, 1:39 am

    Some of these are sooooo funny but the one where the little girl licks the icing off of the couch is just nasty lmao

  • Syril April 22, 2014, 8:23 am

    Lmao, rofl btw
    Guy to girl: If your right leg is Christmas and left leg is Thanksgiving I would like to visit U in between the holidays.
    😉

  • Agatha May 28, 2014, 10:53 pm

    These are so funny. Check mines
    Two little boys stole a big bag of orange from their neighbour & decided to go to a calm place to share the loot equally, one of them suggested the near by cemetery.
    As they were jumping the big gate to enter the cemetery, 2 oranges fell out of the bag behind the gate but they didn’t bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.
    A few minuets later a drunkard on his way from a bar passes near the cemetery gate and heard a voice saying: “One for me, one for u. One for me, one for u.” he immediately sobers up and runs as fast as he can to the church near by for a priest.
    “Father please come with me, come and witness God & Satan sharing corpse at the cemetery.” They both ran back to the cemetery gate and the voice continued: “One for me, one for u, one for me, one for u…”
    Suddenly the voice stopped counting and says: “What about the two at the gate?”
    Omg come see the marathon, the priest almost run pass the gate, shouting we are not dead yet…!

  • Soundharya June 6, 2014, 7:44 am

    These jokes are awesome. I love them.

  • Gis Matrix July 15, 2014, 1:23 am

    Really Freshening up

  • Joel August 2, 2014, 7:40 pm

    Yow all these jokes are funny

  • Abby Lucie August 10, 2014, 9:04 am

    These jokes are really funny…please post more of these,they really help to relieve stress!! 🙂

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