Funny Chuck Norris Jokes

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity…twice.
After a night of partying, Chuck Norris doesn’t throw up, he throws down.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Chuck Norris chases sharks when he smells them bleed.

God can walk on water, Chuck can swim through land.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Under Chuck Norris’ beard, there is no chin. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris grinds coffee with his teeth and boils water with his own rage.
Chuck Norris doesn’t write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

Chuck Norris donates blood to the red cross, just not his own.
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.
When Chuck Norris plays monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
When Chuck Norris does a push up, he doesn’t push himself up, he pushes the world down.
When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.

Chuck Norris once had a boomerang. It was way too scared to come back.
There will never be a zombie apocalypse, because when Chuck Norris bites zombies, they turn back into humans.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life.
Chuck Norris runs until the treadmill gets tired.
Chuck Norris can make a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.

Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn. He dares his grass to grow.
Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
Duct tape fixes everything, but Chuck Norris fixes duct tape
Chuck Norris doesn’t have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, Bang!
With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.