Funny Chuck Norris Jokes

by Stephen on May 9, 2013 · 34 comments

in Celebrity Jokes

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity…twice.

After a night of partying, Chuck Norris doesn’t throw up, he throws down.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris chases sharks when he smells them bleed.

God can walk on water, Chuck can swim through land.

Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Under Chuck Norris’ beard, there is no chin. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris grinds coffee with his teeth and boils water with his own rage.

Chuck Norris doesn’t write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

Chuck Norris donates blood to the red cross, just not his own.

Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.

When Chuck Norris plays monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.

When Chuck Norris does a push up, he doesn’t push himself up, he pushes the world down.

When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.

Chuck Norris once had a boomerang. It was way too scared to come back.

There will never be a zombie apocalypse, because when Chuck Norris bites zombies, they turn back into humans.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life.

Chuck Norris runs until the treadmill gets tired.

Chuck Norris can make a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.

Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn. He dares his grass to grow.

Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Duct tape fixes everything, but Chuck Norris fixes duct tape

Chuck Norris doesn’t have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, Bang!

With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

{ 34 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Rip May 15, 2013 at 3:40 pm

Chuck Norris had a grenade he threw it, it killed 73 peopple and then exploded.

2 Kristen May 22, 2013 at 12:16 pm

These are so stupid they’re funny!!!

3 Randal May 28, 2013 at 3:58 pm

hahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Chuck Norris has balls of steel.

4 Stephen June 1, 2013 at 10:19 am

Chuck Norris doesn’t celebrate the 4th of July. The 4th of July celebrates Chuck Norris.

5 Killer joker June 2, 2013 at 2:07 am

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Guns don’t kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris’ victims before they died? His shoe.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? All of it.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther’s womb.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.

If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

“Brokeback Mountain” is not just a movie. It’s also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don’t ask him for his three-hole-punch.

If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he’ll beat it into you.

6 Stormette June 4, 2013 at 9:35 pm

Chuck Norris’s balls is each bigger than the other.

7 NOWAYBRAAAA June 7, 2013 at 12:33 am

Chuck norris’s smile once brought a puppy back to life.
Chuck norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills….he blinked.

8 Elise June 17, 2013 at 12:03 pm

Nice jokes

9 Bryan June 24, 2013 at 3:07 am

God once told the host of heaven to bow to man that man was Chuck Norris.

10 Simbadex July 10, 2013 at 4:29 am

Top chuck norris jokes lol.

11 Dean WUZZUP August 26, 2013 at 7:00 pm

Once chuck norris round-house kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.

12 Lololo September 24, 2013 at 10:57 pm

Chuck Norris made Hello Kitty say goodbye.

Chuck Norris made a Happy Meal cry.

13 Declan October 19, 2013 at 2:30 pm

These are sooooooo funny people should just keep making more and sorry for my bad England get it and these jokes are the best I want morrrrrrrrereeeeeeeeeeee

14 Yallbedigginit October 22, 2013 at 12:53 pm

Chuck Norris found the end of the circle.

Chuck Norris once urinated in a transport truck gas tank as a joke… that truck is now known as Optimus prime.

15 THAToGUYo October 29, 2013 at 2:08 pm

Chuck Norris once sold his soul to the devil for his awesome strength and fantastic karate skills. He then round house kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil admitted, he should have seen that coming. Now on the third Wednesday of every month they come together and play poker.

16 Josh October 30, 2013 at 12:46 pm

Chuck Norris can milk a wasp.

17 Josh October 30, 2013 at 3:38 pm

The alphabet of Chuck Norris: D.E.A.T.H

18 Riley November 17, 2013 at 11:32 pm

Chuck norris once popped a wheelie on a unicycle.

19 Silvester Muhlhaus December 14, 2013 at 2:46 pm

Chuck Norris dose not pay tax, tax pays Chuck Norris.

20 Ramon Perez December 30, 2013 at 7:28 pm

Chuck Norris doesn’t swim, water just wants to be around him.

21 Corey February 7, 2014 at 8:13 pm

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed fifty people…. then it exploded.

22 Jackie March 31, 2014 at 10:22 pm

Chuck norris once ate 2000 pounds of cake his weight increased by 3 ounces

23 Bill May 15, 2014 at 8:33 am

A volcano didn’t make the big bang Chuck Norris did.

24 Correcting you May 26, 2014 at 2:47 pm

^^ a volcano didn’t make the big bang anyway….

25 nah May 28, 2014 at 12:01 pm

Chuck Norris doesn’t run with the bulls at Pamplona, the bulls run from Chuck.

26 Brandon June 13, 2014 at 1:16 pm

I want more chuck norris jokes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

27 Adam October 28, 2014 at 9:53 pm

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris build the hospital he was born in.
Chuck Norris once threw a single grenade… It killed 34 people
then it exploded…
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Don’t ask Chuck Norris a joke… You won’t survive the punch line.
Chuck Norris and a squirrel with a top hat walked into a bar… The bar
exploded. No, structure can withhold that much pure awesomeness.

28 Anon November 23, 2014 at 1:56 am

Bryan.. U are outta point….it aint funny

29 Ruvik March 28, 2015 at 11:47 am

My car went to the hospital because Chuck Norris crashed into it while walking drunk.

30 Jesse March 4, 2016 at 5:49 pm

Chuck Norris once went to the Virgin Islands…. they are now known as… the Islands.

31 Kenny June 21, 2016 at 11:57 am

Chuck Norris will only go to the emergency room if his erection does not last for 4 hours.

32 Vampire February 12, 2017 at 11:13 am

Chuck Norris once visit hell, d hell now become moscow

33 Father Guido Sarducci March 2, 2017 at 4:12 pm

When Chuck Norris snaps his fingers…
the sound breaks the sound barrier.

One time Chuck Norris bobbed for apples,
no apples were ever found again..

Chuck Norris doesn’t use a treadmill, the earth revolves beneath his feet.

Chuck Norris played football catch with his son, the football has yet to be found…

34 Father Guido Sarducci March 2, 2017 at 4:30 pm

The drought in CA is over because Chuck Norris says so.

Chuck Norris can dunk without the ball.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can hit you wherever you are… did you feel that?

Chuck Norris can hit a hole in one, from a plane…

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