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42 Funny One Liner Jokes

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes.

o O o

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

o O o

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

o O o

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

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What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.

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A day without sunshine is like, night.

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Born free, taxed to death.

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For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.

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A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

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What is faster Hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.

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What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

o O o

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
o O o

What’s the difference between a paycheck and a pen*s? You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
o O o

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
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Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
o O o

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
o O o

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
o O o

I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
o O o

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
o O o

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
o O o

Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.
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What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.
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Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
o O o

My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company…
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Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
o O o

Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.
o O o

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
o O o

I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.
o O o

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got.
o O o

I can handle pain until it hurts.
o O o

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
o O o

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
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You cannot taste me, until you undress me. -Banana
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You cannot eat me unless you lick me. -Ice-cream
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You cannot play with me unless you blow me. -Balloon
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You cannot eat me unless you spread me. -Butter
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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
o O o

A day without smiling is a day wasted.
o O o

Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much more for them.
o O o

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

{ 57 comments… add one }
  • siya July 7, 2015, 6:01 am

    Q: what do you call a fly without wings???
    A: walk
    Q:if you could drop a yellow hat in the red sea what does it becomes??
    A: it becomes wet!!!!!!!!!

  • Leah May 4, 2016, 9:06 am

    A seal walks into a club..

  • Ava January 2, 2017, 4:22 pm

    Q: Who was the was the world’s first carpender???
    A: Eve because she made Adams banana stand!!!!!

  • noclue September 14, 2017, 9:28 pm

    How are a condom and your wife alike? They both spend more time in your wallet than on your di##

  • Brandi July 25, 2018, 8:37 am

    Did you hear what happened at the lepper’s League hockey game last week? There was a Faceoff in the corner

  • Hsvrue0dh December 20, 2018, 4:53 am

    lol fUnnY JoKe

  • Dale January 13, 2019, 6:00 pm

    Love your jokes keep it up if people don’t like them tell not to read them thank you

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