Hilarious Jokes

by Stephen on March 13, 2013 · 29 comments

in Jokes

Kid: “Papa, are you growing taller all the time?”
Father: “No, my child. Why do you ask?”
Kid: “Because the top of your head is poking up through your hair.”

Kid: “Mamma, when the fire goes out where does it go?”
Mom: “My dear son, I don’t know. You might just as well ask me where your father goes when he goes out.”

A high school girl, seated next to a famous astronomer at a dinner party, struck up a conversation with him by asking, “What do you do in life?”
He replied, “I study astronomy.”
“Dear me,” said the girl. “I finished astronomy last year.”

Little Bobbie, while at a neighbor’s, was given a piece of bread and butter, and politely said “Thank you.”

“That’s right, Bobbie,” said the lady. “I like to hear little boys say ‘thank you’.”

“Well,” rejoined Bobbie. “If you want to hear me say it again you might put some jam on it.”

Mother took Willie to his first concert. The conductor was leading the orchestra and directing the soprano soloist as well. Willie was greatly interested.

“Mother, why is that man shaking his stick at the lady?” he asked.

“Hush; he is not shaking his stick at her.”

“Then what is she screaming for?”

“Mother, can I have those apples on the sideboard?”
“Yes, dear!”
“Oh, I am so glad you said yes.”
“Why, are you so hungry?”
“No– but I’ve eaten them already.”

“Papa, what are ancestors?”
“Well, my son, I’m one of yours. Your grandpa is another.”
“Oh! Then why is it people brag about them?”

“What’s the matter with your wife? She looks all broken up.”
“She got a terrible shock.”
“How was it?”
“She was assisting at a rummage sale at the church and she took off her new $2 hat and somebody sold it for 30 cents.”

“How many cigars do you smoke a day?”
“About ten.”
“What do they cost you?”
“Twenty cents a piece.”
“My, that’s two dollars a day. How long have you been smoking?”
“Thirty years.”
“Two dollars a day for thirty years is a lot of money.”
“Yes, it is.”
“Do you see that office building on the corner?”
“Yes.”
“If you had never smoked in your life you might own that fine building.”
“Do you smoke?”
“No, never did.”
“Do you own that building?”
“No.”

A guide, showing an old lady through the Zoo, took her to a cage occupied by a kangaroo.

“Here, madam,” he said, “we have a native of Australia.”

“Good gracious,” she replied, “and to think my sister married one of them.”

“Papa, what is the person called who brings you in contact with the spirit world?”

“A bartender, my boy.”

“When are you going on your vacation?”
“I don’t know. I’ve got to wait until the neighbors get through using my suitcase.”

“Don’t you agree that ‘time’ is the greatest healer?”
“He maybe, but he’s certainly no beauty specialist.”

“I dreamed last night that I had invented a new type of breakfast food and was sampling it when–”
“Yes, yes; go on.”
“I woke up and found a corner of the mattress gone!”

Two kids talking:

“I painted something for last year’s academy.”
“Was it hung?”
“Yes, near the entrance where everybody could see it.”
“Congratulations! What was it?”
“A board saying, ‘Keep To The Left’.”

Friend 1: “Did you know that I had taken up story-writing as a career?”
Friend 2: “No, sold anything yet?”
Friend 1: “Yes, my watch, my saxophone, and my overcoat.”

“What do you find the most difficult thing on the piano?”
“To pay the installments.”

Two girls:

“I’m going to buy a book.”
“A book!”
“Yes, my husband bought me the most adorable reading-lamb yesterday.”

Waiter: “Yes, sir, we are very up to date. Everything here is cooked by electricity.”

Diner: “I wonder if you would mind giving this steak another shock?”

Diner: “Waiter, the portions seem to have got a lot smaller lately.”

Waiter: “Just an optical illusion, sir. Now that the restaurant has been enlarged, they look smaller, that’s all.”

Teacher: “Tell me something about oysters, Johnny.”

Johnny: “They are very lazy. They are always found in beds.”

{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Stephen March 20, 2013 at 8:29 am

A mother invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”

“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.
“Just say what you hear mommy say,” the woman answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”

2 Sophie March 26, 2013 at 9:24 pm

What do you call someone who you like but is too old for you?
Out dated!

3 Stephen April 1, 2013 at 11:53 am

“I told my wife I would shoot any man who had flirted with her at the seaside.”
“What did she say?”
“She told me to bring a machine-gun.”

4 Stephen April 16, 2013 at 12:07 pm

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

“Wow!,” said her father, “That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?”

“Wrong number,” replied the girl.

5 Nancy May 5, 2013 at 4:06 pm

Left me rib cracked. Just a bomb!

6 sally May 19, 2013 at 5:02 am

I think I’m gonna have a heart attack!

7 Kristen May 22, 2013 at 12:14 pm

Y’all have some funny jokes.

8 Charlie Whitchurch June 12, 2013 at 3:52 pm

Don’t follow my footsteps… I run into walls.

9 Elise June 22, 2013 at 7:55 am

A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

10 Elizabeth July 8, 2013 at 10:55 pm

Why did the turtle cross the street?
To get to the SHELL station.

11 Joleen July 16, 2013 at 1:01 am

The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.

12 Mckenna July 19, 2013 at 4:13 pm

Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get his wife shelly.

13 Shania August 3, 2013 at 3:10 pm

These jokes are so funny.

14 Shreekant Joshee August 6, 2013 at 9:57 am

Give a sentence which gives the husband happiness and sorrow simultaneously?
While making love you are the best than any of your friends.

15 Stephanie Sophia August 10, 2013 at 8:05 am

A plane full of crazy people is in the air. One guy goes in to the cockpit and asks the pilot to teach him how to fly. The pilot says if you can get everyone back there quite I will teach you. A few minutes later the guy comes back and said they are quite now. The pilot asked how did you get them quite, the guy says, I just told them all to go play outside.

16 Jotham Nyoni August 21, 2013 at 9:56 am

These are really good jokes.

17 Leonie Cent September 10, 2013 at 9:45 am

Two athletes arrived at their sleeping quarters, before competing in the Olympic Games. As they exchanged greetings with each other etc, one of the athletes asked the other, “So … are you a pole vaulter?” to which came the reply, “No! I am a German … and how do you know my name is Valter?” (spelled Walter, but pronounced Valter, in this instance).

==

NB: This attempt at jocularity is in no way designed as an attempt to draw inappropriate attention to, or ridicule the manner in which certain elements of language are delivered, by those good people whose native language is not English, but a language originating from one of the European countries such as Deutschland or the Netherlands etc. It should be also noted that despite the unfathomable complexity of the English language, many people from countries such as Deutschland, still manage to master English and speak the language fluently. We can all laugh a little at each other’s quirks of language, provided it is done in the spirit of love and joy.

18 Brian October 10, 2013 at 2:36 pm

Superb

19 Dipu December 12, 2013 at 3:45 am

What is the longest rope ever?
Europe.

20 Micheal mich January 7, 2014 at 4:55 pm

Interesting jokes

21 Jotham Nyoni January 8, 2014 at 6:22 am

These jokes brighten my day

22 Aprillewis January 20, 2014 at 2:48 pm

Hilaaaaaaaarious

23 Dina February 2, 2014 at 5:44 pm

I was sitting listening to my wife singing to my baby over the baby monitor it was just me, her and the baby in the house.

Then a car pulls in the drive way. It was my wife. Scary.

24 Pappy February 12, 2014 at 8:10 am

9ice

25 Sassssy February 18, 2014 at 6:42 pm

Not funny

26 Agatha May 28, 2014 at 11:01 pm

A man and his wife were playing golf. The man tees off and his
ball veers way off to the right, breaking the window of a house.
The wife says you must go and apologize and pay for the window.

Both the man and his wife walk up to the house, ring the door but
no one answers. He opens the door and inside, next to the window
he sees a broken vase with his golf ball laying on the floor.

Suddenly a man comes out of a nearby room, the golfer starts to
apologize for breaking his window and the vase.

The man inside the house says, “No, don’t apologize, I am a genie
and have been stuck in that vase for 10,000 years, you have
rescued me and I owe you deeply. For helping me I will grant three
wishes. I will give you one, your lovely wife one and I would
like to keep one for myself.”

He asks the man what he wishes for. The man thought awhile and
said, “I wish for a million dollars.”

The genie waves his hand and said, “A million dollars, it’s yours,
it has been deposited into your bank account.”

He asks the wife what is her wish. She says, “I wish for a
condominium in Hawaii.”

The genie waves his hand and says, “A condominium in Hawaii, it’s
yours.” The genie continues, “Now it is my turn.” He thinks for
awhile and says, “You know its been 10,000 years since I have had
a woman, could I make love to your wife?”

The man thinks for a while and says, “Honey, he gave us a million
dollars and a condominium in Hawaii, the least you could do is
make love to him.”

She agrees and they both go to the back bedroom.

After making passionate love, the woman says, “I can’t believe
that my husband let you do this to me.”

The genie says, “And I can’t believe that your husband still
believes in genies.”

27 vannez June 25, 2014 at 1:56 pm

Some r interesting, some r boring….i didn’t even laugh once

28 Neo December 11, 2014 at 6:49 am

A father and his son went in to a museum. Then his son saw a skull and asked.

Son: Dad whose skull is this?

Father: That’s Gandhiji’s Skull.

And as they went along they saw another skull which is smaller than the first one and his son asked again.

Son: Dad whose skull is this one?

Father: This is also the skull of Gandhi while he was young.

29 Sylvia December 26, 2015 at 11:39 am

Extremely hilarious and funny

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