42 Funny One Liner Jokes

by Stephen on March 25, 2013 · 44 comments

in Jokes

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes.

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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

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As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

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What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.

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A day without sunshine is like, night.

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Born free, taxed to death.

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For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.

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A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

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What is faster Hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.

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What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

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Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

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What’s the difference between a paycheck and a pen*s? You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

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Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

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Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!

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Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

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I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.

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If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

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Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

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Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.

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What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.

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Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

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My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company…

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Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

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Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.

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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

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Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

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I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.

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IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got.

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I can handle pain until it hurts.

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Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

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A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

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You cannot taste me, until you undress me. -Banana

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You cannot eat me unless you lick me. -Ice-cream

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You cannot play with me unless you blow me. -Balloon

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You cannot eat me unless you spread me. -Butter

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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

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A day without smiling is a day wasted.

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Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much more for them.

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When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

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{ 44 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Stephen March 26, 2013 at 4:40 pm

Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let’s start from your bank account.

2 Jerry April 7, 2013 at 12:57 pm

Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill any time.

3 Willow Kirk May 23, 2013 at 1:34 pm

The world wide web needs internet, not Stephen Hawking.

4 Stardust June 1, 2013 at 12:05 am

You park on a driveway and drive on a parkway.

5 Dixie normous June 2, 2013 at 9:28 pm

Holy s***

6 Zia June 8, 2013 at 2:45 pm

Good jokes and statements.

7 Deano July 25, 2013 at 8:53 am

Did you hear about the two peanuts walking in the alley late last night?
One was a salted.

8 Arfa Shahrukh July 26, 2013 at 5:27 am

These are funny but should be a little more elderly :)

9 TK July 28, 2013 at 1:57 am

Me love.

10 Muffiedoodle July 29, 2013 at 11:06 pm

Why did the spider cross the road?
To get to his website!

11 Givemore Mafunda August 8, 2013 at 3:38 am

I am now feeling good!!!

12 JohnnyRed August 8, 2013 at 8:49 pm

What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.

What did the psychiatrist say to the naked man?
Well, I can clearly see your nuts.

13 Abbas August 21, 2013 at 2:12 pm

These jokes are nice.

14 Philip August 23, 2013 at 11:06 pm

“De Beers” and “the beers” are both very costly, and both can sometimes get similar results from your girlfriend.

15 Mike August 31, 2013 at 2:27 pm

Did you know there are two kinds of nails?
One kind you hammer & the other you trim. Just be careful which one you hammer next time.

16 Harsh September 9, 2013 at 10:16 am

Good jokes I am feeling better.

17 Anjan October 14, 2013 at 8:22 am

Good one mate, keep it coming.

18 Bink October 18, 2013 at 10:00 pm

What happens when you mix human DNA with goat DNA?
Kicked out of the petting zoo.

19 Teekay November 15, 2013 at 11:56 am

Hilarious

20 Jojo November 15, 2013 at 1:37 pm

Bink… your joke is the funniest one here. Keep it up.

21 Patrvic November 24, 2013 at 1:37 pm

What is the final title of Microsoft Windows 8?
Microsoft Curtains!

22 Tom November 24, 2013 at 6:26 pm

What has two legs and bleeds a lot?!
Half a cat.

23 Brian December 5, 2013 at 11:14 pm

A skeleton clanks into a bar… he says to tge barman, “Barman, get me a beer and a mop.”

24 Dman December 8, 2013 at 5:27 pm

What you get when you cross a donkey with an onion.
A piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye.

25 Gary December 12, 2013 at 4:11 pm

What’s the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with the light on!

26 Nia Sharma January 2, 2014 at 1:01 pm

Looveee emmm all

27 Aditi January 5, 2014 at 9:15 am

Q. What is an elephant’s favorite no.?
A. Ate!

Q. What does the cobbler say to the cat when the cat enters his shop?
A. Shoe!

28 Kai A L G K G January 6, 2014 at 7:12 pm

A careers advisor went to a school and asked a student, “What do you want to do when you leave here?”

The student replied, “A gynecologist or a train driver.” The career advisor was so baffled by this that she said, “Train driver and gynecologist? That’s quite a gap, don’t you think?” By That the student replied, “Well… at the end of the day… I guess I just like tunnels.”

29 Elizabeth Clemens January 16, 2014 at 3:45 pm

A man went to the hospital to see his uncle. He told the nurse that he came to see his uncle that had been ran over by a steam roller. The nurse says, “Oh yeah! He’s in room 21 – 22 and 23.”

30 Srishaila February 3, 2014 at 9:07 pm

Please up more as I liked it.

31 uperman February 27, 2014 at 5:07 am

What is red and bad for your teeth?
A brick!

32 Tom Clark March 7, 2014 at 6:42 pm

What’s smoreplay?
It’s what smurfs do before they smuck.

What did one tampon say to the other tampon?
Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches!

The bartender says…”we don’t serve time travelers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.

33 Herbielittlerod March 13, 2014 at 11:41 am

I saw your gerbil at the bar last night. He told me to tell you he’s tired of putting up with your sh*t.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

34 TimmiMangaro March 15, 2014 at 5:40 pm

My fake plants died cuz I did not pretend to water them..

35 Dragon97 May 14, 2014 at 10:34 am

what do you get when you cross an Elephant and a Rhino?
Elephino!!

36 Joey May 19, 2014 at 1:16 pm

A dislexic man walks into a bra

37 Waters June 3, 2014 at 5:37 pm

I bought a new deodorant stick today. The instructions read: REMOVE WRAPPER AND PUSH UP THE BOTTOM PART.” I can hardly walk now, but whenever I fart, the room smells divine.

38 Nemo June 8, 2014 at 5:46 pm

What happened to the funny guy that accidentally took v*agra instead of his daily vitamins? He became a “STAND UP COMEDIAN”

39 Dave June 26, 2014 at 1:59 pm

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee was blowing fouls

40 Milad July 23, 2014 at 9:34 am

Good job

41 Joey g August 27, 2014 at 1:52 pm

Women should be obscene and not heard.

42 Ukasha salisu November 23, 2014 at 2:02 am

A farmer in d field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200

43 Shane Cobain November 27, 2014 at 9:19 pm

There are too many pets in the neighbourhood. I’ve ran over five just this week, although one didn’t put up much of a chase.

44 Shane Cobain November 27, 2014 at 9:26 pm

I want to stop smoking, but I should probably take care of the fire first.

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