Funny Sex Jokes

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel.”
Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, doc?”

The doctor replied, “Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw.’, you hit her with the shovel.”

😀 😀

John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife’s side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.

Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into he room and asked him to take this note to your beautiful mommy. The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to take this to your silly daddy. Her note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to the lady in the kitchen. His note read:

The Tent Pole’s Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You’re Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to take this to the poor dude upstairs. Her note read:

I’m Sure That Your Pole’s
The Best In The Land.
But I’m Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand.

A man calls 911 emergency: Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!

After five minutes, the same man calls back: It is ok, I found another one.

A drunk guy walks into a bar and walks up to a guy and says, “I just had sex with your mom!” The guy walks away angrily.

A few minutes later the drunk guy comes up to the guy again and says, “I just had great sex with your mom!” The guy walks away angrily.

A few minutes later the drunk guy comes up to him again and says, “I just had the best sex ever with your mom!” The guy now says, “Shut up dad! You’re drunk again!”

Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blondes?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod.

Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. “Did you get that for your birthday?” – asked Johnny.

“Nope.” – replied Jimmy. “Well, did you get it for Christmas then?”
Again Jimmy said “Nope.” “You didn’t steal it, did you?” – asked Johnny.

“No,” said Jimmy. “I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom the other night when they were ‘doing the nasty’. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.”

Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy’s new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents’ bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.

Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. “What do you want now?” “I wanna watch,” Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said, “Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet.”

Johnny’s girlfriend was in labor with they first child. She was shouting out, “Get this out of me? Give me the drugs.”

She looked at him and said, “You did this to me you *******!”

He casually replied, “If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your *** but you said, ‘it’ll be too painful!’.”

An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question, “What is sex…?”

He was surprised she’d ask such a question at her age, but thought if she’s old enough to ask, she’s old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldn’t shirk his responsibility.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation.

When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity. His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, “Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs.”