Funny Jokes About Men – for women!

Men are like…..Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Of course women don’t work as hard as men…
They get it right the first time.

What do you call a man that lost all of his intelligence?
A widow.

How can you tell if a man is lying?
You can see his lips moving.

Why do men need sports action replays 30 seconds after the event?
Because they’ve forgotten what happened.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Why did God create man first?
Because he needed a rough working model before creating the perfect specimen of the species.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They’re married.

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

What’s the smartest thing a man can say?
“My wife says….”

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

Men are like…..Vacations.
They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like…..Cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like…..Snowstorms.
You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long he will last.

Men are like…..Lawn Mowers.
If you’re not pushing one around, then you’re riding it.

Why did god invent men?
Because vibrators can’t mow the lawn.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One … men will screw anything.

What’s a man’s idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

An english professor wrote up on the board “woman without her man is nothing” and told his students to punctuate it.
The males in the class wrote “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”
The Females wrote “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”

“Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with.”

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”
The third fellow says, “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”
The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” they asked. “She said, ‘get out from under the bed and fight like a man’.”

A man rubbed a lamp and a genie came out. The man asked to be stronger than any other man. He was given the strength to crush bolders.
He asked for the worlds fastest sports car and a ferrari appeared in front of him. He then asked to be smarter than any other every man on the earth. He was turned into a woman.

Why Men Are Like Computers:
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They’ll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody’s home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.