Christmas Jokes

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Avery.
Avery who?
Avery Merry Christmas to you!

Why do bells ring at Christmas?
Because someone pulls the rope.

How do you know Santa has to be a man?
No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year.

Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses to the beach?
He didn’t want to be recognized.

What do you get when Santa Claus goes down a chimney and the fire is lit?
Crisp Kringle.

Who is never hungry at Christmas?
The turkey – he’s always stuffed!

What do you give a mummy for Christmas?
Gift wrap.

Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
Because he wanted to sleep like a log.

What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas three?
A pine-apple.

What happened to the monster who ate the Christmas three?
He had to have a tinsel-ectomy.

Peter: Why do you never hear anything about the tenth reindeer, Olive?
Jo: Olive?
Peter: You know, “Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.”

What do you have in December that you don’t have in any other month?
The letter D.

Where does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?
In the dictionary.

Teacher: What does the Christmas tree stand for?
Student: It would take too much room lying down.

Darren remembers accompanying his father out shopping in the toy department of Hamleys one Christmas Eve.

Dad said, “What a marvelous train set. I’ll buy it.”

The girl behind the counter looked pleased and murmured, “Great, I’m sure your son will really love it.”

Dad replied with a glint in his eye, “Maybe you’re right. In that case I’ll take two.”

And last, a dirty Christmas joke 😀
Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe.

She says, “Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you’d like to come into my bedroom.”

Santa responds, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know.”

The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says, “I’ve got something special for you Santa. Can’t you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgettable.”

Santa responds, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know.”

Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says, “Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift.”

Santa responds “Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can’t get up the chimney with my c*ck this way!!!”