42 Funny One Liner Jokes

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes.

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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

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How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

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As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

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What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.

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A day without sunshine is like, night.

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Born free, taxed to death.

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For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.

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A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

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What is faster Hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.

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What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

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Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
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What’s the difference between a paycheck and a pen*s? You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
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Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
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Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
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Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
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If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
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Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
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Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.
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What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.
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Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
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My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company…
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Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
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Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
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I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.
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IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got.
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I can handle pain until it hurts.
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Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
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A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
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You cannot taste me, until you undress me. -Banana
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You cannot eat me unless you lick me. -Ice-cream
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You cannot play with me unless you blow me. -Balloon
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You cannot eat me unless you spread me. -Butter
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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
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A day without smiling is a day wasted.
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Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much more for them.
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When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.