“Students nowadays are so clueless”, the math professor complains to a colleague.

“Yesterday, a student came to my office hours and wanted to know if General Calculus was a Roman war hero…”

A mathematician organizes a raffle in which the prize is an infinite amount of money paid over an infinite amount of time.

Of course, with the promise of such a prize, his tickets sell like hot cake.

When the winning ticket is drawn, and the jubilant winner comes to claim his prize, the mathematician explains the mode of payment: “1 dollar now, 1/2 dollar next week, 1/3 dollar the week after that…”

A math student and a computer science student are jogging together in a park when they hear a voice: “Please, help me!”

They stop and look. The voice belongs to a frog sitting in the grass.

“Please, help me!” the frog repeats. “I’m not really a frog: I’m an enchanted, beautiful princess. Kiss me, and the spell will be broken – and I will be yours forever…”

The CS student picks up the frog and examines it carefully from all sides – making not even an attempt to kiss it.

“You don’t have to marry me”, the frog continues frantically, “if you’re afraid of the commitment. I’ll do whatever you wish me to do if you just kiss me…”

The frog’s voice is silenced, when the CS student puts the animal into the right pocket of his pants.

“But why don’t you kiss her?!” the math student asks.

“You know”, the CS student replies, “I simply don’t have time for a girlfriend – but a frog that talks makes a really cool pet…”

A visitor at the Royal Tyrell Museum asks a museum employee: “Can you tell me how old the skeleton of that T-Rex is?”

“It is precisely 60 million and three years, two months, and eighteen days old.”

“How can you know that with such precision?!”

“Well, when I started working here, one of the scientists told me that the skeleton was 60 million years old – and that was precisely three years, two months, and eighteen days ago…”

“Divide fourteen sugar cubes into three cups of coffee so that each cup has an odd number of sugar cubes in it.”

“That’s easy: one, one, and twelve.”

“But twelve isn’t odd!”

“It’s an odd number of cubes to put in a cup of coffee…”

A mathematician gives a talk intended for a general audience. The talk is announced in the local newspaper, but he expects few people to show up because nobody who is not a mathematician will be able to make any sense of the title: Convex sets and inequalities.

To his surprise, the auditorium is crammed when his talk begins. After he has finished, someone in the audience raises his hand.

“But you said nothing about the actual topic of your talk!”

“What topic to you mean?”

“Well, the one that was announced in the paper: Convicts, sex, and inequality.”

At the end of his course on mathematical methods in optimization, the professor sternly looks at his students and says: “There is one final piece of advice I’m going to give you now: Whatever you have learned in my course – never ever try to apply it to your personal lives!”

“Why?” the students ask.

“Well, some years ago, I observed my wife preparing breakfast, and I noticed that she wasted a lot of time walking back and forth in the kitchen. So, I went to work, optimized the whole procedure, and told my wife about it.”

“And what happened?!”

“Before I applied my expert knowledge, my wife needed about half an hour to prepare breakfast for the two of us. And now, it takes me less than fifteen minutes…”

Q: What is the most erotic number?

A: 2110593!

Q: Why?

A: When 2 are 1 and don’t pay at10tion, they’ll know within 5 weeks whether or not, after 9 months, they’ll be 3…

Two math students, a boy and his girlfriend, are going to a fair. They are in line to ride the ferris wheel when it shuts down.

The boy says: “It’s a sin for those people to keep us waiting like this!”

The girl replies: “No – it’s a cosin, silly!!!”

Q: What do you get if you add two apples and three apples?

A: A high school math problem!

Q: What is the difference between a mathematician and a philosopher?

A: The mathematician only needs paper, pencil, and a trash bin for his work – the philosopher can do without the trash bin…

A newlywed husband is discouraged by his wife’s obsession with mathematics. Afraid of being second fiddle to her profession, he finally confronts her: “Do you love math more than me?”

“Of course not, dear – I love you much more!”

Happy, although sceptical, he challenges her: “Well, then prove it!”

Pondering a bit, she responds: “Ok… Let epsilon be greater than zero…”

It is only two weeks into the term that, in a calculus class, a student raises his hand and asks: “Will we ever need this stuff in real life?”

The professor gently smiles and says: “Of course not – if your real life will consist of flipping hamburgers at MacDonald’s!”

A math professor, a native Texan, was asked by one of his students: “What is mathematics good for?”

He replied: “This question makes me sick! If you show someone the Grand Canyon for the first time, and he asks you `What’s it good for?’ What would you do? Well, you kick that guy off the cliff!”

A graduate student of mathematics who used to come to the university on foot every day arrives one day on a fancy new bicycle.

“Where did you get the bike from?” his friends want to know.

“It’s a `thank you’ present”, he explains, “from that freshman girl I’ve been tutoring. But the story is kind of weird…”

“Tell us!”

“Well”, he starts, “yesterday she called me on the phone and told me that she had passed her math final and that she wanted to drop by to thank me in person. As usual, she arrived at my place riding her bicycle. But when I had let her in, she suddenly took all her clothes off, lay down on my bed, smiled at me, and said: `You can get from me whatever you desire!'”

One of his friends remarks: “You made a really smart choice when you took the bicycle.”

“Yeah”, another friend adds, “just imagine how silly you would have looked in a girl’s clothes – and they wouldn’t have fit you anyway!”

The mother of already three is pregnant with her fourth child.

One evening, the eldest daughter says to her dad: “Do you know, daddy, what I’ve found out?”

“No.”

“The new baby will be Chinese!”

“What?!”

“Yes. I’ve read in the paper that statistics shows that every fourth child born nowadays is Chinese…”

“What happened to your girlfriend, that really cute math student?”

“She no longer is my girlfriend. I caught her cheating on me.”

“I don’t believe that she cheated on you!”

“Well, a couple of nights ago I called her on the phone, and she told me that she was in bed wrestling with three unknowns…”

Some engineers are trying to measure the height of a flag pole. They only have a measuring tape and are quite frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole: It falls down all the time.

A mathematician comes along and asks what they are doing. They explain it to him.

“Well, that’s easy…”

He pulls the pole out of the ground, lays it down, and measures it easily.

After he has left, one of the engineers says: “That’s so typical of these mathematicians! What we need is the height – and he gives us the length!”

Two men are having a good time in a bar. Outside, there’s a terrible thunderstorm. Finally, one of the men thinks that it’s time to leave. Since he has drunk a lot, he decides to walk home.

“But aren’t you afraid of being struck by lightning?” his friend asks.

“Not at all. Statistics shows that, in this part of the country, one person per year gets struck by lightning – and that one person died in the hospital three weeks ago.”

{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }

Nice…

Not bad!

[Geometry]

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?

A: Pumpkin Pi!

[Calculus]

An infinite crowd of mathematicians enters a bar. The first one orders a pint, the second one a half pint, the third one a quarter pint…

“I understand”, says the bartender – and pours two pints.

[Vectors]

What do you get if you cross a mosquito and a mountain climber?

Nothing – you can’t cross a vector and a scaler.

Q: What does the zero say to the the eight?

A: Nice belt!

Q: Why do you rarely find mathematicians spending time at the beach?

A: Because they have SINE and COSINE to get a TAN and don’t need the sun!

An engineer, a physics professor and a mathematician travel by train. The engineer says, after seen a black sheep:

– Sheep are black in Scotland.

The physics professor says:

– You can only state that some sheep are balck in Scotland.

And the mathematician says:

– You can only state that there is at least a sheep that has at least one black side.

A mathematician wanted to know how many pencils there were in a drawer in his office. So, he asked his secretary,

“Mrs Mary, please, set up a bijection between the set of pencils in that drawer and an initial segment of the positive integers”.

And Mrs. Mary replied:

“Not sure I can do this, sir. First, you have to prove the set of pencils is finite.”

A mathematician told his kids the story of Snow White and the 7 dwarfs. He started like this:

“Let SW be a girl called Snow White and let d_i, i ∈ {1,2,3….7}, be each of the seven dwarfs.”

Q: Why is an algebra book always unhappy?

A: Because it always has lots of problems.

***********************

Q: What does the little mermaid wear?

A: An algae-bra.

***********************

Q: How do you know that your dentist studied algebra?

A: She said all that candy gave me exponential decay.

Q: Why did the imaginary number turn red?

A: It ran out of i-drops.

**************

Q: Why does nobody talk to circles?

A: Because there is no point!

Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?

Student: One dollar.

Teacher: You don’t know your arithmetic.

Student: You don’t know my father!

Cool

Teacher: Let X equal the unknown quantity. Now, if X + 10 = 20, and X – 5 = 5, what is X?

Student: As far as I’m concerned, it’s still the unknown quantity.

These jokes are hilarious, I really enjoyed.

Father: If I had five coconuts and I gave you three, how many would I have left?

Child: I don’t know.

Father: Why not?

Child: In our school we do all our arithmetic in apples and oranges.

Funny. Thank you.

These jokes make my day. Thank you so much for bringing a smile to my lips and laughter in my life.

Q: What did the 0 say to the 8?

A: Nice belt 🙂

These jokes are nice. What makes it funnier and better is when we maths people understand it while the others don’t.

Love it!

Nice.

Fan-tas-tic…

It’s realy nice.

All the functions were in the bar chatting and drinking happily. Suddenly ‘sin’ comes running and announces that ‘differential’ is coming to the bar.

Immediately all run away and hide except one function. Differential finally arrives and is surprised to find this function sitting coolly and asks, “Ain’t you afraid of me?”

Replies the function, “I am ‘e^x’ and you can’t do a thing to me”.

Then tells the differential function, “But who said I’ll differentiate along ‘x’… I differentiate along ‘y’. Hahaha”

Teacher: If I have 6 bottles in this hand an 5 bottles in this hand, what do I have?

Student: A drinking problem

Hope u like it

Math ppl

Get this?

Octopus=

ππππππππ