Funny Jokes About Women – for men!

by Stephen on April 3, 2013 · 19 comments

in Jokes

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.

“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again.

“Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?”

She thinks about it for a while and says, “Hmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let’s go to that dark alley over there.”

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, “Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?”

“Nah”, he replies. “Costs too much…”

:mrgreen: :D :mrgreen:

Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, “Jeez, I’d really like to dance with that girl.”

The other man replies, “Well go ahead and ask her, don’t be a chicken.”

So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, “Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?”

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, “I’m sorry. Right now I’m concentrating on matrimony and I’d rather sit than dance.”

So the man humbly returns to his friend.

“So what did she say?” asks the friend.

The drunk responded, “She said she’s constipated on macaroni and would rather $hit in her pants.”

:mrgreen: :D :mrgreen:

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating straight away.

“Jonny, wait until we’ve said our prayer,” his mother reminded him.

“I don’t have to.” – the little boy replied.

“Of course you do.” – his mother insisted. “We say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house,” Johnny explained, “but this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”

:mrgreen: :D :mrgreen:

My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

:mrgreen: :D :mrgreen:

An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.

“Do you think she’d marry me if I tell her I’m 45?” – he asked a friend.

“Your chances are better,” said the friend, “if you tell her you’re 90.”

:mrgreen: :D :mrgreen:

A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

:mrgreen: :D :mrgreen:

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{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }

1. Lauren — April 4, 2013 at 1:50 pm

Your jokes are soo funny they made me wee my pants.

2. Roy Cool — April 6, 2013 at 7:17 am

Nice Jokes. Here is some more from me: A father is asking a man who wants to marry his daughter about his income.

Girl’s Father: So, how much is your monthly income to live by with my daughter?
Son: It’s 600$ Sir!
Girl’s Father: Well, if it is not enough, let it be. So, when we add yours and the monthly 600$ I give her, then totally you will have…
Son: I already added that sir!

3. Roy Cool — April 6, 2013 at 7:22 am

Father: Why did your teacher sent you off the school yesterday?
Son: Because I couldn’t know where Jupiter is.
Father: In future, don’t forget where you put your stuffs okay.

4. Geoff — April 16, 2013 at 6:20 pm

Very funny

5. Don Charley — May 11, 2013 at 9:44 am

Oh myyyy God

6. Kelly — May 24, 2013 at 1:14 pm

lol my head is laughin; off!

7. Ronsnell — June 2, 2013 at 12:00 am

A man who was 76 bought a new car and took it for a spin. At first he went 50… then 89… then 120… A cop pulled him over and said I have lunch break in an hour give me one good reason and I’ll leave… Well, my wife ran off with a cop and I thought you were gonna give her back so I took off. The cop left and didn’t say a word.

8. Emmanellanketsia — June 23, 2013 at 12:03 pm

A man went to a shop one day not knowing his flap was open. A woman saw him and said sir your shop is open and the man closed it

He went away for about 10 minutes then came back and asked, “Did you see the shop keeper?”

9. Meethi — July 21, 2013 at 6:06 am

Love these.

10. Abdulevuti — August 9, 2013 at 8:57 am

Nice one

11. Friend guys — September 18, 2013 at 7:59 am

Anna: ipod
Sheen: iphone
Menish: ipad
Dad: ipaid

12. Stephen — September 26, 2013 at 1:14 pm

A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. As the food was served, the husband said, “The food looks delicious, let’s eat”.

Wife: “Honey…..you say prayer before eating at home.”

Husband: “That’s at home sweetheart……here the chef knows how to cook!!”

========

Slogan on a Man’s T-Shirt: “Please Do Not Disturb me, I am Married and already very Disturbed.”

13. Meera Kumari — October 11, 2013 at 12:19 am

Yo, that was too good.

14. Kenji otaku — November 1, 2013 at 4:18 am

A plane was about to crash……..Suddenly a beautiful female passenger stood up took out all her clothing and said “Is there anyone in here who could make me feel like a woman?”…… Then a male passenger stood up, took out his shirt and said “Here iron this.” :-*

15. Anonymous — November 20, 2013 at 9:29 pm

These are the best jokes ever!!!

16. Abebaw — December 16, 2013 at 9:42 am

Very funny

17. Paraathurnax — January 1, 2014 at 6:12 pm

Thank you all

18. SharpCircles — March 7, 2014 at 8:40 pm

A young man introduces his fiancee to his parents. While they were having dinner the girl gently farts. Annoyed by the funny smell the father in law yells:

-Rocky!!

The girl is relieved that the future in-law blamed the dog from under her chair but after a few minutes she lets one more rip. The boy’s father is getting nervous:

-Rocky!! be careful now!!

Worried no more the girl fires another one. Feeling exasperated, the boy’s father yells:

-Rocky! Get out of there fast! She’s gonna sh*t on you!

19. Mm — May 30, 2014 at 6:11 am

Just read the jokes about men and jokes about women, got to say, your playing fast and lose with the word “funny” :-/

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