A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”
“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.
“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again.
“Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?”
She thinks about it for a while and says, “Hmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let’s go to that dark alley over there.”
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, “Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?”
“Nah”, he replies. “Costs too much…”
Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, “Jeez, I’d really like to dance with that girl.”
The other man replies, “Well go ahead and ask her, don’t be a chicken.”
So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, “Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?”
Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, “I’m sorry. Right now I’m concentrating on matrimony and I’d rather sit than dance.”
So the man humbly returns to his friend.
“So what did she say?” asks the friend.
The drunk responded, “She said she’s constipated on macaroni and would rather $hit in her pants.”
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating straight away.
“Jonny, wait until we’ve said our prayer,” his mother reminded him.
“I don’t have to.” – the little boy replied.
“Of course you do.” – his mother insisted. “We say a prayer before eating at our house.”
“That’s at our house,” Johnny explained, “but this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”
My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.
“Do you think she’d marry me if I tell her I’m 45?” – he asked a friend.
“Your chances are better,” said the friend, “if you tell her you’re 90.”
A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”