A few months before his sixtieth birthday, George began planning his party. He called up his 30-year-old daughter for some help.
“Why don’t you invite all your old high school buddies?” she asked. “That could be a lot of fun.”
“I’d like to bring all my high school buddies to the party,” said George, “but I don’t want to get arrested.”
His daughter laughed. “Why would you get arrested for bringing your high school buddies to your birthday party?”
“Don’t you know?” asked George. “Grave robbing is a crime.”
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ she said . ‘Just give me something with diamonds.’
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
A man asked his wife, “What would you most like for your birthday?”
She said, “I’d love to be ten again.”
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park – the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear.
She had a go on every ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.
Then they were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?” One eye opened and she groaned, “Actually, honey, I meant dress size!”
Johnny was racing around the garden on his new bicycle and called out to his mother to watch his tricks.
“Look, Mum! No hands! Look, Mum! No feet! Waaah! Look, Mum! No teeth!”
A lady was throwing a party for her granddaughter and had gone all out….. a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.
The guests arrived and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn’t shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic and would probably not make the party at all.
The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.
She spoke to the other bum and said, “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!”
The other bum says, “Well, I dunno. Let me ask him.” “HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?”
“Look at ME!!” boasted the fit old man, pounding a very flat and firm stomach, having just finished 100 situps before a group of young people.
“Fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t stay up late, and I don’t chase after loose women!!”
He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes aglitter, “And tomorrow — tomorrow, I’m going to celebrate my -90th- birthday!!”
“Oh, really?” drawled one of the young onlookers, “How?”
For his birthday I gave my son an iPhone.
My daughter received an iPod for her’s, and for my birthday I was pleased to receive an iPad.
Thinking along the same lines, I got my wife an iRon, and that’s when the fight started…
The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.
“Excuse me for disturbing you, ma’am,” he said politely, “but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I’ve noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread.”
“Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake.”
“Well, today is his birthday.”
A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, “I’ll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.” Well, you can imagine her disappointment.
The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn’t get her anything.
She says, “Why didn’t you get me a birthday present!?” He replies, “You didn’t use what I got you last year!”
Joe was sitting at a bar. He was totally depressed. The bartender, serving him a drink, asked what was wrong.
“I’ll never understand women.” – said Joe.
“The other night on my birthday, my wife said as my gift, I could do with her what I wanted.”
“Wow! That’s quite some gift.” – said the bartender.
“So why are you so dejected?”
“Well I thought about it for a while” said Joe, “and decided to send her home to her mother, and now she won’t even speak to me!”
It was Grandpa Jones’ 100th birthday and he was still in perfect health. At his birthday party he was asked how he managed to live so long and stay so fit.
He explained, “I put my long life down to spending so much time out of doors. I’ve been in the open air, day after day, rain or shine, for the last 75th years.”
“How do you manage to keep up such a rigorous fitness regime?” we asked.
“It’s simple” he said. “When I married my wife 75 years ago, we both made solemn pledge on our wedding night. We agreed that whenever we ever had a fight, whoever was proved wrong would go outside and take long walk.”
Sam’s girlfriend’s birthday was the same day as his father’s.
He bought his girlfriend a bottle of perfume and his father a pistol.
He wrapped the perfume and wrote a note to his girlfriend, saying, ‘Use this all over yourself and think of me.’
Unfortunately he put the note on his father’s present.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new car for weeks.
He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday. Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, “A bottle of wine?”
His employees replied, “No.”
Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. “A bottle of scotch?”
“His employees replied again, “No.”
Finally the boss asked, “I give up. What is it?”
His workers responded, “A puppy.”
Johnny had long heard the stories of an amazing 21st Birthday family tradition.
His father, grandfather, and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Johnny‘s 21st birthday came around, he and his friend Jill took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Johnny stepped out of the boat, and nearly drowned!
Jill just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Johnny went to see his grandmother. “Grandma,” he said, ‘it’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?”
Granny looked deeply into Johnny‘s troubled eyes and answered, “Because your father, your grandfather, and your great-grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July.
Little Johnny: Mom, do you know what I’m going to give you for your birthday?
Mom: No, dear, what?
Little Johnny: A nice teapot.
Mom: But I’ve got a nice teapot.
Little Johnny: No you haven’t. I’ve just dropped it.
Rich was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, “I don’t have a clue what to get my wife for her birthday – she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.”
His buddy said, “I have an idea – why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it – she’ll probably be thrilled.”
So the that’s what Rich did.
The next day at the bar his buddy said, “Well? Did you take my suggestion?”
“Yes, I did,” said Joe.
“Did she like it?” His buddy asked.
“Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling “I’ll be back in an hour!”
A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings.
They dialed the number and then sang “Happy Birthday” to him. But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.
“Don’t let it bother you,” said the stranger on the phone, “you folks need all the practice you can get.”
The young parents were concerned because their son, Jimmy, had begun using unkind words that he learned in school.
One day, the mother overheard Jimmy calling his sister a “stupid head.”
“Jimmy,” she said. “Your birthday is next week. Your father and I bought five presents for you. From now on, every time you use a bad word I’m going to take one of the presents away.”
“That’s stupid,” said Jimmy.
“O.K., young man,” said the mother, “you just lost one of your presents. Now you only have four. What do you have to say for yourself?”
“If I tell you the sentence I’m thinking of right now,” said Jimmy, “I’ll lose the other four.”