Funny Short Jokes

by Stephen on February 5, 2013 · 70 comments

in Jokes

Dad: Shame on you, Peter. Why did you hit your little sister?
Peter: Well, Daddy, we were playing Adam and Eve with the apple and all. Well, instead of tempting me with that apple, she ate the thing herself!

“Mary, why did you kick your brother in the stomach?! exclaimed the angry mother.
“It was pure accident, Mama. He turned around.”

“Mama, there’s a man at the door,” said little Johnny.
“He says he’s collecting for senior citizens. Do you think we should hide Grandpa?”

Mrs. Peterson went to the doctor: “I’m terribly worried about my boy. He thinks he’s a chicken.”
The doctor asked, “And how long has this been going on?”
“Almost a year,” Mrs. Peterson replied.
“Well for goodness sakes! Why didn’t you bring him to see me sooner?”
“Because we needed the eggs!”

It was the end of the school year and Joey’s mother asked: “And were the exam questions difficult?”
“They weren’t bad at all,” her son replied. “It was the answers that gave me all the trouble.”

A family took a trip to Disney World. After three exhausting days, they headed home. As they drove away, the son waved and said, “Goodbye, Mickey.”

The daughter waved and said, “Goodbye, Minnie.”

The husband waved, rather weakly, and said, “Goodbye, Money.”

One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.
She says, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.”
He replies “BREASTS.”

A Chinese man rings his boss, “Me no work I sick.”
Boss says, “When I’m sick, I make love with my wife. Try that.”
Two hours later the Chinese man rings back, “Me better, you got nice house.”

The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day.

Wife: “Windows frozen.”
Husband: “Pour some warm water over them.”
Wife: “Computer completely screwed up now.”

A doctor says to his patient, “I have a bad news and a worse news”.
“Oh dear, what’s the bad news?” – asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That’s terrible,” said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

Cousin Elly, who happens to be blonde, is the world’s worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it.

Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.

A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.

“Wonderful!” she replied, “However, there’s one thing I don’t understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?”

Grandma and her little grandson were in the park picking up ripe walnuts on a beautiful fall day. “These are the kind of nuts your Daddy loves best,” she said.

The little boy replied, “Maybe he likes these things best but the nuts I like are doughnuts!”

“Did God make you, Papa?”
“Yep! He certainly did.”
“And did He make me too?”
“Of course, He did.”
“Well, He’s certainly doing better as He goes along, isn’t He?”

Little Emma returned from the birthday party and her mother asked: “Did you say ‘thank you’?”
“Well, no,” replied the little girl. “Y’see, the girl ahead of me thanked her and she said, ‘Don’t mention it!’ so I didn’t.”

Mom was preparing the two children for bed and was telling bedtime stories. She remarked that God made eyes to see, ears to hear, noses to smell and feet to run.
The little girl sat up and said, “But, Momma, I guess God got kinda mixed up with Tom, here, because Tom’s nose runs and his feet smell!”

With a frown wrinkling his forehead, little Johnny was working hard at his father’s desk scratching a pen along a page of his paper. His mother asked, “Are you writing a letter to your little girlfriend, Son?”
“Nope,” he grunted, “It’s a letter to myself.”
“Well,” she smiled, “What are you going to write about?”
“How should I know?” he squeaked, “I haven’t received it yet.”

A man called his friend’s house and a small voice greeted him.
“Is your Daddy there?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“Could I speak with him?”
“He’s busy,” the little voice replied.
“Well, can I speak to your mother?”
“Nope, she is busy, too.”
“Well then, let me talk with your brother.”
“He’s busy, too.”
“For goodness sakes, what are they so busy doing?”
“They are looking for me!”

What can you put in your right hand but not your left?
Your left elbow.

Why do cows wear bells?
Their horns don’t honk.

Most Popular Jokes:

{ 70 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Stephen February 6, 2013 at 9:31 am

Sister: “I’ve made the chicken soup.”
Brother: “Thank heaven for that. I thought we had to eat it!”

2 Stephen February 6, 2013 at 9:35 am

Two boys wanted to ask a favor of their mom.

“You ask her.” – demanded Eric, 10 years old.
“No, you ask her.” – said Peter, age 9. “You’ve known her much longer.”

3 Stephen February 8, 2013 at 10:15 am

Q: What do you call a fish with no eye?
A: Fsh

o O o

Q: What lets you walk through walls?
A: A door

4 Tina March 5, 2013 at 3:06 pm

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up.

5 Sup guy March 14, 2013 at 5:15 pm

I had a dream that I was eating a big marshmellow when I woke up my pillow was gone.

6 Orlando Corradi March 18, 2013 at 3:04 pm

Q: Who made the journey far?
A: Jennifer (journey-far)

7 Orlando Corradi March 18, 2013 at 3:10 pm

Q: Which monkey is always exploding?
A: Baboon (ba-boom)

8 Stephen March 20, 2013 at 7:54 am

Q: Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road…?
A: Because it got stuck in a crack.

9 Saravanan March 22, 2013 at 6:33 am

Nice

10 Princesser March 24, 2013 at 11:49 am

Wow ! I agree with Saravanan, these are NICE !

11 Gladys April 1, 2013 at 7:59 am

Q: When do you stop at Green and go at Red?
A: When you are eating a watermelon.

12 Saugat April 2, 2013 at 12:41 am

It is nice.

13 Muleta Mutakatala April 2, 2013 at 9:11 am

Nice

14 Lucky ngobeni April 2, 2013 at 11:31 am

Guyz you rock the world!

15 Kelly Ann April 4, 2013 at 2:54 am

There are four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn’t do it. It endedup that Everybody blamed Somebody for what Anybody could have done.

16 Kelly Ann April 4, 2013 at 3:09 am

Q: What walks throught the forest with sixteen legs?
A: Snow white and the seven dwarves.

_________

Q: What goes up when you count down?
A: A rocket.

_________

Q: Why do bees buzz?
A: Because they can’t whistle.

_________

Q: What goes zzub zzub zzub?
A: A bee flying backwards.

17 Reggie Jackson April 4, 2013 at 7:51 am

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your airfreshener?

18 Lainy April 5, 2013 at 5:19 pm

LOL LOL LOL

19 Humphrey April 8, 2013 at 2:40 pm

Awesome.

20 Ben Lennox April 11, 2013 at 10:57 am

I got new cheekbones yesterday I even got a new butt, my old one had a crack in it.

21 Sunny April 15, 2013 at 12:56 pm

This is very interesting.

22 Eden April 23, 2013 at 2:28 am

Nice!

23 Hashini April 24, 2013 at 11:16 am

Q: What goes oom oom?
A: A cow walking backwards.

Q: How do werewolfs get clean?
A: They groooooom themselves.

24 Priyanka Narang April 27, 2013 at 10:44 am

Awesome guys.

25 Jenny April 28, 2013 at 11:18 am

Awesome jokes guys.

26 Kolbitr May 2, 2013 at 5:17 am

Just the thing :)

27 Ann May 7, 2013 at 1:04 pm

Hahahaha!!!!!! Very funny I enjoy it…….

28 Lucas May 9, 2013 at 2:01 pm

Lol

29 Aubrey May 14, 2013 at 2:45 am

You guys are funny.

30 niko May 22, 2013 at 2:46 pm

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL or lots of love!

31 shaytina May 22, 2013 at 9:18 pm

lol alot of people a really funny !!!

32 Ron May 28, 2013 at 6:22 am

Very funny guys. Keep it up!

33 Mbura June 2, 2013 at 7:56 am

lolz guyz kip’em jokes cumin luv u ol

34 Baracka June 9, 2013 at 9:35 am

The jokes are amazing, you have no idea.

35 Blair June 16, 2013 at 11:07 am

The jokes here are epic.

36 Cage June 18, 2013 at 1:45 am

There are three houses red, blue, and white. White is situated right to red and black to left. Now the question is where is the white house?

A. White house is in AMERICA.

37 Warmpatat June 18, 2013 at 5:26 am

Q: When are you allowed to hit a dwarf?
A: When he dances with your wife and tells you her hair smells nice. :)

38 Ashley C. June 22, 2013 at 4:23 pm

What does the ambulance say to my motorcycle?
So little but big farts!

What does the motorcycle say to the ambulance?
So big and such a crybaby!

39 Sharehan June 25, 2013 at 4:23 am

lol soooo funny

40 Grozen June 26, 2013 at 7:56 pm

Why are these jokes so funny guyz? :D

41 Ruby June 29, 2013 at 2:53 pm

What is something that allows you to see the other side?
A window…

42 Comfort Obodai July 1, 2013 at 3:32 pm

This is awsomely funny, hahahaha

43 Lindo July 2, 2013 at 5:08 am

Awesome jokes people.

44 Aryan July 2, 2013 at 3:40 pm

So funny guys

45 Joesann July 3, 2013 at 9:01 pm

Lmfao

46 Warmpatat July 5, 2013 at 8:48 am

Dad: Son, which county is next to USA?
Son: USB!?

47 Kori July 11, 2013 at 11:25 am

Q: What do you call cheese that’s not yours?
A: Nacho cheese!

o O o

Q: What do elves learn in school?
A:The elf-abet.

o O o

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Lettuce
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it’s freezing out here.

o O o

A prisoner, after many years, is finally released.
He runs around yelling, “I’m free! I’m free!”
A little kid walks up to him and says, “So what, I’m 4.”

o O o

Which flower talks the most?
Tulips, of course, ’cause they have two lips!

o O o

A man arrived on Friday in a small town. He stayed for two days and left on Friday. How is this possible?
His horse’s name is Friday!

48 Chelsey July 14, 2013 at 1:19 am

What kind of cheese do you play basketball with?
Swish Cheese.

49 Alax Boxer July 16, 2013 at 8:36 pm

A boy named Jonny is at school when his teacher walks over and tells his to learn the first 5 letters of the alphabet.

He goes home and asks his mom (who is on the phone), mom, what is the first letter of the alphabet? She said, Shh I’m talking.

So he goes to his sister and asks what is the second letter of the alphabet? She is talking on the phone to her boyfriend, she said, take me there baby.

Then he goes to his brother (who is watching Spider Man) and asks what is the third letter? He says, Spider Man Spider Man!!

So he goes to his dad and asks what is the fourth letter? (He is watching football) and he says, 49 hit him hard hit him hard!!

So he goes to his grandma and asks the Grandma what is the 5th letter of the alphabet? (She is baking buns) She says, My buns are burning my buns are burning!!

So the next day he goes back to school and is talking to a friend and the teacher asks, Tommy what is the first letter of the alphabet? He says, Shh I’m talking. The teacher (named Annie) says do you want to go to the principle’s desk? He says, Take me there baby! Annie says, who do you think you are? Spider man Spider man, he says! So she take hime to the principle’s desk and the principle says, do you want a spanning? Jonny says, 49 hit him hard hit him hard! The principle says, How do you feel about that now? Jonny replies, My buns are burning my buns are burning!!

Hahaahahahahhhahaha, THAT JOKE IS SO FUNNY!!! :)

50 Tayyibah July 19, 2013 at 12:44 pm

These jokes are really funny. Ha Ha Ha.

51 AC MILAN July 26, 2013 at 11:16 am

Thanks for everybody! Very funny jokes :-D:-D:-D

52 Kibirige Afrika July 28, 2013 at 2:32 am

All jokes are funny but some are very much more funny than others.

53 Cordova31 August 17, 2013 at 7:25 pm

Q. Why does short people laughed so hard when they run around in a grassy area?

A. Because the grass tickles their balls.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Daisy.
Daisy who?
Daisy (They see) me rolling, they hating…!!!

I have more, but I don’t want pose them all!!!

54 Mikel September 16, 2013 at 2:17 am

Wow. These are cool. I love you guys.

55 Le October 8, 2013 at 4:48 pm

Q. How do you blind an Asian??
A. Put floss over their eyes!

56 Has November 2, 2013 at 8:35 pm

What do you call a cow with no legs?
GROUND BEEF!!!

Lol so funny hope you liked please comment.

57 Derpicus November 9, 2013 at 11:07 am

Q: What does a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A: They can both smell it but they cant eat it!!!

58 Ishika November 14, 2013 at 5:47 am

Yo bro soo good!!!

59 Aziz November 21, 2013 at 4:20 pm

That is so funny.

60 Anie Sugirtha Lawrence November 27, 2013 at 3:12 am

QUESTION;
You are trapped in a mansion with a psyco and there is a blackout. There are three rooms in the mansion; two blue ones and a golden one. After checking all the rooms, you find the psyco. The psyco says you can get out by swimming through a pool of crocodiles, or fight a grizzly bear, or you may sit on an electric chair for 10 seconds while it’s on.

What would you choose?!

ANSWER;
I would choose the electric chair… BECAUSE THERE IS NO POWER!!

61 Jerome January 14, 2014 at 1:40 pm

Wow these jokes are so funny. Keep it up guys.

62 Saviour esara February 7, 2014 at 1:22 am

Wow I <3. that.

63 Hi February 21, 2014 at 9:59 pm

Confusing 15

64 Shannon June 4, 2014 at 2:05 pm

Im getting married to wifi, dont ask me why, we have this strong connection

65 sonny June 13, 2014 at 7:32 am

These r really, kinda awesome,,,
Love y’all……:-)

66 Sasha July 8, 2014 at 2:05 pm

LOL! Hillarious.

67 Anymous July 18, 2014 at 8:26 am

Q: What walks through the forest with sixteen legs?
A: Snow white and the seven dwarves.

_________

Q: What goes up when you count down?
A: A rocket.

_________

Q: Why do bees buzz?
A: Because they can’t whistle.

68 Kasey October 2, 2014 at 8:09 am

Q: What am I if you see me far away am a police offcer and close am a arm soldier

A: Mountain

69 Tharmishang October 13, 2014 at 2:26 pm

Nice ….guys…

70 cj October 27, 2014 at 5:47 am

When Batman sees catwoman, the dark knight rises.

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