Funny Sex Jokes

by Stephen on March 26, 2013 · 70 comments

in Jokes

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel.”

Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, doc?”

The doctor replied, “Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw.’, you hit her with the shovel.”

:D :mrgreen: :D

John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife’s side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.

Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into he room and asked him to take this note to your beautiful mommy. The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to take this to your silly daddy. Her note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to the lady in the kitchen. His note read:

The Tent Pole’s Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You’re Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to take this to the poor dude upstairs. Her note read:

I’m Sure That Your Pole’s
The Best In The Land.
But I’m Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand.

A man calls 911 emergency: Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!

After five minutes, the same man calls back: It is ok, I found another one.

A drunk guy walks into a bar and walks up to a guy and says, “I just had sex with your mom!” The guy walks away angrily.

A few minutes later the drunk guy comes up to the guy again and says, “I just had great sex with your mom!” The guy walks away angrily.

A few minutes later the drunk guy comes up to him again and says, “I just had the best sex ever with your mom!” The guy now says, “Shut up dad! You’re drunk again!”

Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blondes?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod.

Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. “Did you get that for your birthday?” – asked Johnny.

“Nope.” – replied Jimmy. “Well, did you get it for Christmas then?”

Again Jimmy said “Nope.” “You didn’t steal it, did you?” – asked Johnny.

“No,” said Jimmy. “I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom the other night when they were ‘doing the nasty’. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.”

Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy’s new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents’ bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.

Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. “What do you want now?” “I wanna watch,” Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said, “Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet.”

Johnny’s girlfriend was in labor with they first child. She was shouting out, “Get this out of me? Give me the drugs.”

She looked at him and said, “You did this to me you *******!”

He casually replied, “If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your *** but you said, ‘it’ll be too painful!’.”

An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question, “What is sex…?”

He was surprised she’d ask such a question at her age, but thought if she’s old enough to ask, she’s old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldn’t shirk his responsibility.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation.

When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity. His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, “Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs.”

Most Popular Jokes:

{ 70 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Oguwale Tobi March 27, 2013 at 11:39 am

I am good at hearing jokes.

2 Muhammad Sani April 2, 2013 at 4:45 pm

Interesting!

3 Lainy April 5, 2013 at 5:47 pm

Very!!!

4 Carol April 7, 2013 at 12:49 pm

Yes great

5 Randy May Humple April 16, 2013 at 8:20 am

Omg they are so funny hahahahahhahahahhahhahahahaahaha

6 Chew Bee Keng April 22, 2013 at 8:22 am

Haha! Could not stop laughing.^-^

7 Ali May 1, 2013 at 7:07 pm

I do not get it :)

8 Fred May 4, 2013 at 2:38 pm

These were very funny I loved them hahahahahahahahahahah

9 Ssquare May 8, 2013 at 4:58 am

Lovely

10 Kry Speedy May 13, 2013 at 9:31 am

How do you know if a redneck is married?
If there are two spit stans on both sides of a truck.

11 Sbuda S A May 15, 2013 at 6:14 pm

Hi dudes I really like these jokes they making me laugh the whole night…

12 Elizabeth May 18, 2013 at 7:11 am

I loved it! I mean that happened to me once! :)

13 Elizabeth May 18, 2013 at 7:12 am

Wait that wasn’t right, I walked into my friends room one night and caught her having sex! hahahahaha

14 Arvind May 23, 2013 at 7:44 am

One day a vampire goes to a bar and asks for a pint of blood but doesn’t get any and walks out…

A couple of minutes later he returns and asks for a cup of hot water… The bartender, confused, asks him why he needs hot water…?

Vampire: I found a used tampoon and wanted to make tea…

15 Callboy May 23, 2013 at 2:16 pm

Nice

16 Stephen May 23, 2013 at 7:45 pm

A woman was having sex in an apartment 20 floors high with another man. She then heard her husband coming… she told her lover to stay like a robot and not to move.

Husband: What is this?
Wife: This is a robot, I bought to have sex with when you are travelling…

Husband: Okay…Lets have sex now…
Wife: No sweetheart… yesterday I got my period, so I will go and make a cup of coffee for you…

After she left the husband said: Damn I am so horny, I will f*ck this robot…he tried f*cking. The man started talking in a metallic robotic way…

“SYSTEM ERROR…WRONG HOLE… SYSTEM ERROR… WRONG HOLE…”

Husband: Damn robot is not working properly…I am throwing it out of the window…The man realized that he was on the 20th floor and said…

“SOFTWARE UPDATED…PLEASE TRY AGAIN…”

17 Twin#1 June 3, 2013 at 3:35 pm

Lol i really like your jokes Stephen they are ery funny

18 Colly June 5, 2013 at 4:32 pm

Girl: What is the opposite of laughing?
Boy: F-cking.
Girl: What?
Boy: Yes!…..because when you are laughing you say “Ha ha ha ha” and when ur f-cking you say “Ah ah ah ah”.

19 Leah June 9, 2013 at 12:55 am

Holy shit these jokes are so funny.

20 Nkasto June 9, 2013 at 12:25 pm

I like your jokes.

21 Elizabeth June 15, 2013 at 12:56 pm

I love these jokes! When do more get uploaded? :)

22 Mirabel June 21, 2013 at 5:17 pm

I love ur jokes.

23 Stauffer Randy June 28, 2013 at 12:03 am

Nice ones like sex itself!

24 Rakesh June 30, 2013 at 8:33 am

I like it and I shared with my friends …… we had fun hahahahahahahhahahahhahahaha

25 Sarah July 7, 2013 at 3:55 am

I was telling my friends this and they started cracking up at some of them.

26 Kidavidzone July 8, 2013 at 8:57 am

Wow, that was so loud I hope she didn’t wake the kids.. ..

27 Dave July 8, 2013 at 12:00 pm

Men I love these f**king jokes. You all are f**king good.

28 Adam July 9, 2013 at 8:40 am

Hilarious.

29 Forget July 9, 2013 at 9:38 am

Wow that’s funny.

30 Jayantakumar Imphal July 19, 2013 at 1:56 am

Rib-tickling. It made me tension free.

31 Khuraton Imphal July 19, 2013 at 6:05 am

A couple was having sex besides their three years old sleeping son. After a while they climaxed with huge orgasms. They were moaning and gasping. Suddenly the son, who was sitting and looking at them anxiously by then, asked, father mother are you exhausted?

32 Himalaya Singh Ranawat July 24, 2013 at 10:25 pm

So funny jokes.

33 Ally.k July 29, 2013 at 3:50 pm

These are so funny!!!

34 Manjunatha August 21, 2013 at 10:51 am

Really funny, hilarious, anyone can certainly enjoys.

35 Dibbi Muzamba August 30, 2013 at 8:39 am

Keep me busy at the same time laughing :)

36 Mon September 9, 2013 at 12:06 pm

Funny jokes!!! I’d be more happy if there was so more jokes!

37 Bob September 10, 2013 at 12:03 am

Very funny

38 Dalton October 10, 2013 at 2:52 pm

My favorite joke was the first one I would love it if that happened to me.

39 Aryan October 11, 2013 at 11:25 pm

It is… tooooo funny.

40 Surprice October 16, 2013 at 9:26 am

Hahaha man that’s awesome.

41 Letshego October 29, 2013 at 1:24 am

I’m new in this section, these are great jokes though.

42 Bishal November 7, 2013 at 3:00 am

Very, very funny jokes.

43 Lollipopj November 14, 2013 at 3:07 am

I wish to read interesting jokes.

44 Xam November 24, 2013 at 2:51 am

Really interesting please add more.

45 Eltonn November 24, 2013 at 2:12 pm

Great jokes really.

46 Naim shah November 29, 2013 at 6:22 am

Great jokes really

47 Toyosi November 29, 2013 at 5:39 pm

Woow, very funny jokes.

48 Luthando December 10, 2013 at 1:43 am

Love your jokes lol

49 Adukule Deogracious December 12, 2013 at 3:09 pm

Sweet jokes… they make my face bright always, live to love yo thing guys!

50 Sara December 16, 2013 at 10:14 am

That was so funny never I ever read something that’s as funny.

51 Kamran February 7, 2014 at 11:58 am

It’s very good.

52 Mishann February 10, 2014 at 3:49 am

Hahaha mah ribs r almst breakn xo funny

53 Callum March 11, 2014 at 3:45 pm

Lol I love those funny jokes.

54 Callum March 11, 2014 at 3:48 pm

I think I am going to pass out in a min !!!!! My ribs are killin me.

55 Peyton March 12, 2014 at 3:48 pm

I love to have sex with my wife and onetime I stucked my pen*s up her butt. Now I am a lesbian.

56 Sufiyan March 29, 2014 at 8:48 am

Hahahaha really funny

57 Yasmin April 20, 2014 at 4:26 am

After reading some of them now I feel horny and I wanna have s*x.

58 Surendra April 20, 2014 at 11:42 pm

Girl: Baby I am wet.
Boy: Want a paper towel?
Girl: No, I want more than that ;)
Boy: Want 2 paper towels?
Girl: No, baby I want sumthing big and round ;)
Boy: Damn you want the whole roll?

59 Ardeshir May 26, 2014 at 7:43 am

Very funny, you making us laughing in IRAN

60 Lolla July 7, 2014 at 4:38 pm

Ŀ♡Ŀ that was a GOOD one !

61 this guy August 3, 2014 at 1:00 am

Lets go then yasmin ;)

62 Jojo August 5, 2014 at 8:51 pm

Fuckin awesome

63 Pweedy Sasha August 20, 2014 at 1:45 am

Hilllllllllllllarious!!! Keep ‘em commin;-)

64 Nepu September 14, 2014 at 1:45 am

Hahahaha…………………………….

65 Carry September 28, 2014 at 4:46 pm

Am really love ‘em all your jokes.. !
Update more.. :)

66 Sarolina berdos November 1, 2014 at 4:02 pm

Really love to read stephens jokes soooo funny

67 Jadwick nelper November 13, 2014 at 8:59 pm

These jokes are so funny

68 Anuraj November 13, 2014 at 11:56 pm

I am interested funny jokes . enjoyeeeeee

69 EMILY November 16, 2014 at 12:34 pm

Theses jokes are funny and make me want it

70 Adeola aileru November 28, 2014 at 11:08 am

It very funny ooooooooo, lolz :D

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